writing again
I've been thinking lately about how I've been interacting with the world, and realized that I haven't been writing. At all. No letters, no journal entries, no long emails, since about mid-February. It's funny that this is one of the more important years of my life, and yet I've (almost intentionally) left no record. I think of the time I worked at Specialty's as my vacation from myself, which it was - I have extremely few memories from that 5 months, simply because nothing notable happened - but though I've come back to myself and my values, I never really came back to being a person in conversation with the world, and I think I should. I want to, rather. So I'm devoting the day to writing, starting here.
Since someone asked, and I never said, my numerous jobs are these: I am a nanny for a family with 4 school-aged children, helping them get ready for school in the morning, taking them there, and then cleaning up their whirlwind. I teach an after-school class in HTML for middle schoolers two days a week, and work with other middle schoolers on the other three days, tutoring them in math and reading, and teaching them basic computer skills - Microsoft Office, typing, internet navigating and the like. I am a sub at an independent elementary school that starts in preschool and runs through grade 5, but I have a very funky schedule, so I don't work there much. However, this summer I will work there full time with a class of 15 pre-K students (pre-K being the year just before kindergarten; preschool starts at 2 1/2 or 3). I make just enough money to pay my rent and buy food and gas and sometimes save a little bit. I wish I worked more, but the summer is not too far off - I'll survive :-)
Working with kids makes me think a lot. I think about gender a lot, but not in the same way that I used to - my feminist brain has always assumed that it's harder to grow up as a girl, but boys have it rough for different reasons, and I'm learning to realize that and teach accordingly. My #2 middle school group is all boys who are on a basketball team together, and they have extraordinarily fragile egos - for all their tough talking, you would think they don't care about school, but they cry when they can't do their homework. It's also the boy preschoolers who are the ones who wail and wail when their best friend doesn't want to play with them.
I've also been thinking about learning styles (of course), and about what makes a good teacher. I see a lot of good teachers and bad teachers in action, but I'm only just beginning to see why I think they are "good" or "bad." And I'm still totally unsure where I fit in on that scale. My one-time therapist told me that working with kids would cure my perfectionism, but I find myself worrying even more about making a mistake with them, because it actually matters to me, and might really matter to them. What if my style of teaching makes them think they will never be able to program a computer? Or, what if it makes them think they're good at it when they're not? I've had a whole series of nightmares about being a bad teacher - where the principal comes into my classroom and tells me to leave, or an older teacher just says "It's okay, I'll take it from here." Yet, to put that in perspective, I don't feel nearly as panicky as I did when I was supposedly running a restaurant kitchen.
My schedule is very wonky, usually leaving me with 10am -3pm totally free, leaving me to think about how I'm spending my life. Or, usually, how I'm failing at spending my life well, but not doing anything about it. But having this much time by myself sometimes does give me the impetus to improve myself in some way - I've decided to brush up on calculus, I do lots of crossword puzzles, which in theory makes me smarter (maybe), I practice my handstands and my fiddling. I desperately want to improve myself, but I've only been thinking about it in a self-centered way - how can I improve at doing a thing?
Living with a partner has also really changed the way I think and interact with the world. It's been really wonderful, to have a person to come home to and bounce ideas off of, someone who will listen to me when I talk crazy at the end of the day (which I know makes me luckier than I have any right to be). Our lives mesh well together, and it makes me incredibly happy to share my living space and all the mundane pieces of my life with someone I love. But it does make me take fewer social chances - it's easier to justify not going out on a limb and asking someone to hang out when I know there's someone great to hang out with at home.
All in all, I think I am just dissatisfied enough - which sounds like a very negative way to put it, though I think it is actually a pretty positive thing. I am absolutely content with my life, but still want more out of it, enough to start to change things, and now hopefully reflect on how I'm doing that. I have to say, as a closing piece, that I am really, truly sorry if my wrapped-up-in-self-ness made me a less than present friend to any of you. It was really important to me to sit inside my head for a long time and take stock, but I'm now remembering that it is equally if not more important to spend time outside my head, writing letters, calling people, taking social chances. I'm going to try to do this more.
Since someone asked, and I never said, my numerous jobs are these: I am a nanny for a family with 4 school-aged children, helping them get ready for school in the morning, taking them there, and then cleaning up their whirlwind. I teach an after-school class in HTML for middle schoolers two days a week, and work with other middle schoolers on the other three days, tutoring them in math and reading, and teaching them basic computer skills - Microsoft Office, typing, internet navigating and the like. I am a sub at an independent elementary school that starts in preschool and runs through grade 5, but I have a very funky schedule, so I don't work there much. However, this summer I will work there full time with a class of 15 pre-K students (pre-K being the year just before kindergarten; preschool starts at 2 1/2 or 3). I make just enough money to pay my rent and buy food and gas and sometimes save a little bit. I wish I worked more, but the summer is not too far off - I'll survive :-)
Working with kids makes me think a lot. I think about gender a lot, but not in the same way that I used to - my feminist brain has always assumed that it's harder to grow up as a girl, but boys have it rough for different reasons, and I'm learning to realize that and teach accordingly. My #2 middle school group is all boys who are on a basketball team together, and they have extraordinarily fragile egos - for all their tough talking, you would think they don't care about school, but they cry when they can't do their homework. It's also the boy preschoolers who are the ones who wail and wail when their best friend doesn't want to play with them.
I've also been thinking about learning styles (of course), and about what makes a good teacher. I see a lot of good teachers and bad teachers in action, but I'm only just beginning to see why I think they are "good" or "bad." And I'm still totally unsure where I fit in on that scale. My one-time therapist told me that working with kids would cure my perfectionism, but I find myself worrying even more about making a mistake with them, because it actually matters to me, and might really matter to them. What if my style of teaching makes them think they will never be able to program a computer? Or, what if it makes them think they're good at it when they're not? I've had a whole series of nightmares about being a bad teacher - where the principal comes into my classroom and tells me to leave, or an older teacher just says "It's okay, I'll take it from here." Yet, to put that in perspective, I don't feel nearly as panicky as I did when I was supposedly running a restaurant kitchen.
My schedule is very wonky, usually leaving me with 10am -3pm totally free, leaving me to think about how I'm spending my life. Or, usually, how I'm failing at spending my life well, but not doing anything about it. But having this much time by myself sometimes does give me the impetus to improve myself in some way - I've decided to brush up on calculus, I do lots of crossword puzzles, which in theory makes me smarter (maybe), I practice my handstands and my fiddling. I desperately want to improve myself, but I've only been thinking about it in a self-centered way - how can I improve at doing a thing?
Living with a partner has also really changed the way I think and interact with the world. It's been really wonderful, to have a person to come home to and bounce ideas off of, someone who will listen to me when I talk crazy at the end of the day (which I know makes me luckier than I have any right to be). Our lives mesh well together, and it makes me incredibly happy to share my living space and all the mundane pieces of my life with someone I love. But it does make me take fewer social chances - it's easier to justify not going out on a limb and asking someone to hang out when I know there's someone great to hang out with at home.
All in all, I think I am just dissatisfied enough - which sounds like a very negative way to put it, though I think it is actually a pretty positive thing. I am absolutely content with my life, but still want more out of it, enough to start to change things, and now hopefully reflect on how I'm doing that. I have to say, as a closing piece, that I am really, truly sorry if my wrapped-up-in-self-ness made me a less than present friend to any of you. It was really important to me to sit inside my head for a long time and take stock, but I'm now remembering that it is equally if not more important to spend time outside my head, writing letters, calling people, taking social chances. I'm going to try to do this more.