(no subject)

May 04, 2008 18:54

today i am sad. i am sad because i do not know if stirling likes me and i don't know how to go about finding out. i am sad because i think i have changed since the last time i really liked him, since last time he was here. i was thinking about how i have changed as i was driving in the car on the way home from work today, and i noticed my face was drawn into this intense frown of concentration. i realized that in january my resting facial expression was open, unstressed, if a little sad and unenergetic. i had a sense of being malleable- if someone liked me somehow i would be able to subtly reciprocate. i feel like, then, i spoke the dancing amorphous language of human emotion better. i feel more like a p.e. teacher now. today, at work, i was able to get 8 teenagers to do something they didn't want to do, particularly. i got them to listen to eachother's beethoven quartets and comment on them. i had a lot of positive, if slightly intimidating energy that would not be argued with. as i was doing my laps this morning, i felt mean. i felt like i had a shard of obsidian in my heart- just a darkness. i feel like i should be wearing too-tight denim shorts, be five-foot eleven with dirty blond hair and a gross tan and be someone's p.e./shotput/band teacher. i felt more soft before i really started working out. yes, so i partially blame it on all the working out. but, objectively, i know this has made me more beautiful, but it has also made me more of something else that i have not quite got my head around yet. so, i blame the exercise, but i also blame driving. it forced me to take responsibility, to be stressed, to be an adult. driving is a masculine occupation- in some ways i see why women are forced to have drivers in saudi arabia. there is a wonderful freedom about it, but after a while, it gets tiring and dries you out. i feel like less of a woman. if, indeed i do run into stirling, by some coincidence, i don't feel like i'll be like the way i wanted to be. oh yes, that is the last point. when stirling was in the neighborhood last time, and i had just got back from colburn, and kind of realized i liked him, i had this sense that i wanted to live better BECAUSE of him. like, i wanted to be a purer, kinder, more graceful and radiant person because he was in the world. but i feel like somehow i did not live up to that. i partially blame it on when dad freaked out at me/i went to sb (not being in sb, buff. the way that i got there, the annoyance it cause, etc.)/i got my license. all those things are linked for me.
in addition, all these boys are coming home from colleges and they are all going to be hanging out together and i wont be included and its not fair and i want to be and i just think that if i were just a little more, something, i could be. i kind of plan on it, and i am just having a bad day today, so it seems especially impossible, but-oohhhhh!
maggie said that she would talk to anthony about having a 'get-together' with stirling and lots of other peeps because they were friends in high school, but i just realized, even if that did happen, i wouldn't know what to DO! i feel if i were another kind of girl- the kind that just sidled up to guys (to use a buffism) and insinuated themselves onto guys- i would know what to do to make them like me or hang out with me a second time after one night.
but, i'm not.
so, i am just very sad.
buff, by the way, maggie read the poems and started crying. she couldn't talk to me any longer about what i should do after she read them because she had to control her emotions. not just because she was crying, but because she had to bottle up a raging crush on him that sprouted after she read them. so, yeah. wierdness. i did not cry when i read them. i think i'm most freaked out because i'm scared i might not even like him that much anymore. but i want to!! i don't want him to go to the great christy's-old-crushes graveyard in the sky. it is much too densely populated!! why can't i keep crushes??!!
so, i am sad and my face is plastered in a frown and i am full of sadness beans.
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