an entry that will probably be extremely long~ probably.
being this close to finishing my college, i'm starting to look at what i'm supposed to do afterwards. it isn't that far. four, five, six months from now, i'm done. but then what? from the vibes i feel at home, i'm supposed to work immediately after college. i'm supposed to help with the finances. what if i don't want to? and what if i don't want to stay there? i don't want to spend my life working. i don't want to spend my life doing things i won't be happy with. i'm sick of it. i don't want to sacrifice myself anymore for anyone, but myself.
i look at the choices that the people closest to me have made; it seems that no one chose a simple life. is that still even applicable? i can't very well blame technology. no, it isn't that. it seems like the more people had, they'd still want more. never contented because after experiencing what life is like when you have more than enough, they couldn't see themselves with living with just enough. i contain more or less, the same dna as my family, so why i can't i understand their logic? i'm not attacking them, i just wonder about it over and over again.
having this chance to think is a blessing and a curse. i can't stop the flow of my thoughts and i know afterwards that i'll be staring at an unknown, unseen ceiling in my room again. but when i do think of these things, i am given a chance to reexamine the life i have and plan accordingly. it's a little for my future and a little for my happiness. i want to survive the next day. eight thousand plus days alive. when have i started to think that i may not have another day?
i'm inclined to believe that when someone has moments like this when left alone for a great period of time, (but it happens too, when i'm surrounded by people), something is greatly wrong with that person's support system. but i don't blame anyone. i tend to be more elusive when this happens. really elusive. yet strangely enough, there are some people who count on me to be there for them. i wish the sentiment could be reciprocated. i'm working on my social skills, slowly. considering that i was active on my guild in the online game i play (mind you, in an international server), isn't that a sign of progress? but maybe i do regress, often taking one step forward and three steps back.
i look at the choices that the people closest to me have made; it seems that no one chose a simple life. is that still even applicable? i can't very well blame technology. no, it isn't that. it seems like the more people had, they'd still want more. never contented because after experiencing what life is like when you have more than enough, they couldn't see themselves with living with just enough. i contain more or less, the same dna as my family, so why i can't i understand their logic? i'm not attacking them, i just wonder about it over and over again.
having this chance to think is a blessing and a curse. i can't stop the flow of my thoughts and i know afterwards that i'll be staring at an unknown, unseen ceiling in my room again. but when i do think of these things, i am given a chance to reexamine the life i have and plan accordingly. it's a little for my future and a little for my happiness. i want to survive the next day. eight thousand plus days alive. when have i started to think that i may not have another day?
i'm inclined to believe that when someone has moments like this when left alone for a great period of time, (but it happens too, when i'm surrounded by people), something is greatly wrong with that person's support system. but i don't blame anyone. i tend to be more elusive when this happens. really elusive. yet strangely enough, there are some people who count on me to be there for them. i wish the sentiment could be reciprocated. i'm working on my social skills, slowly. considering that i was active on my guild in the online game i play (mind you, in an international server), isn't that a sign of progress? but maybe i do regress, often taking one step forward and three steps back.