simplex, written 062409
as long as i have thoughts stuck in my mind that refuse to be set aside, i either get tired easily and want to sleep or i cannot study or do anything that needs my concentration well. it isn't at all strange. currently, i am plagued with those thoughts i would normally not entertain but luck is not on my side right now. but no one can see that. or maybe just you, whom i have told of the happenings around me, which is to say, i live in current awkwardness i could not explain.
the logic is surprisingly there. opting not to for various valid reasons. operative word: valid. it isn't something to shoot for. i have never been the type of person to be part of a growing trend around me. then again, if this should be attributed to psychological reasons, i fear i have no hope escaping it. for if i do and let that science dictate my life, i think i will spiral once again to an empty shell of nothingness in pursuit of nothing, wanting nothing, and becoming nothing in the process. yes, the worst scenario is on my mind as i type this. i find it comforting to think that way than expect something that's better and be jilted in the end. the after-effects are easier to take this way.
let me admit my contradiction now than have you point it out later. if you haven't guessed it yet, a case such as this usually involves logic being thrown out the window. it should not take me this long to try and explain a topic most people find so easy to discuss. then again, we have our own peculiarities, therefore, i should be entitled to mine.
i wonder how people who know what this feeling is deal with the situation and handle it with finesse and great stride. or shut themselves down and restart their lives completely with or without the anomaly component. anomaly is not the right word, i think it sounds too harsh. but then again, i call anything that breaks the routine of life an anomaly. whether it be a wanted or unwanted one, it still creates a form of distraction we either entertain or ignore. it does not mean that its existence to you has not made an impact, small or otherwise. the meeting was done. the damage was present. deciding on how to cover-up the damage is entirely up to you.
the problem with this is, you are not even sure on how to address the situation. on whatever angle i look at it, i lose. using the auto-ignore system on a non-threatening entity would always bring miscommunication. if i don't ignore, it brings forth misconception from those who enjoy evaluating variables for whatever reason they have that in some strange way, have nothing to do with them.
why can't i just terminate it? it is not that simple. the connection has proven itself useful and entertaining~ the output has been beneficial on all parties~ it isn't worth disconnecting. but i want nothing in return other than a stable signal.
or maybe i am the one randomly speculating on the issue.. one thing that concerns me is, i have yet to be wrong on cases like this. i pray you prove me wrong.
how have things been? well, i constantly feel that there is this weird interference that blocks the signal and i cannot receive the transmission properly. deciphering the transmission on certain intervals have been very hard. but what i can say is this; my connection, the outgoing transmission is quite clear. it is the incoming signal that is hard to decipher.
it can be a pain sometimes but not knowing is comforting. ah well. until that day comes..
and why just now? i seem to have placed this note on the wrong folder so it took a WHILE to find it. stoopid wrong folder..
O~
the logic is surprisingly there. opting not to for various valid reasons. operative word: valid. it isn't something to shoot for. i have never been the type of person to be part of a growing trend around me. then again, if this should be attributed to psychological reasons, i fear i have no hope escaping it. for if i do and let that science dictate my life, i think i will spiral once again to an empty shell of nothingness in pursuit of nothing, wanting nothing, and becoming nothing in the process. yes, the worst scenario is on my mind as i type this. i find it comforting to think that way than expect something that's better and be jilted in the end. the after-effects are easier to take this way.
let me admit my contradiction now than have you point it out later. if you haven't guessed it yet, a case such as this usually involves logic being thrown out the window. it should not take me this long to try and explain a topic most people find so easy to discuss. then again, we have our own peculiarities, therefore, i should be entitled to mine.
i wonder how people who know what this feeling is deal with the situation and handle it with finesse and great stride. or shut themselves down and restart their lives completely with or without the anomaly component. anomaly is not the right word, i think it sounds too harsh. but then again, i call anything that breaks the routine of life an anomaly. whether it be a wanted or unwanted one, it still creates a form of distraction we either entertain or ignore. it does not mean that its existence to you has not made an impact, small or otherwise. the meeting was done. the damage was present. deciding on how to cover-up the damage is entirely up to you.
the problem with this is, you are not even sure on how to address the situation. on whatever angle i look at it, i lose. using the auto-ignore system on a non-threatening entity would always bring miscommunication. if i don't ignore, it brings forth misconception from those who enjoy evaluating variables for whatever reason they have that in some strange way, have nothing to do with them.
why can't i just terminate it? it is not that simple. the connection has proven itself useful and entertaining~ the output has been beneficial on all parties~ it isn't worth disconnecting. but i want nothing in return other than a stable signal.
or maybe i am the one randomly speculating on the issue.. one thing that concerns me is, i have yet to be wrong on cases like this. i pray you prove me wrong.
how have things been? well, i constantly feel that there is this weird interference that blocks the signal and i cannot receive the transmission properly. deciphering the transmission on certain intervals have been very hard. but what i can say is this; my connection, the outgoing transmission is quite clear. it is the incoming signal that is hard to decipher.
it can be a pain sometimes but not knowing is comforting. ah well. until that day comes..
and why just now? i seem to have placed this note on the wrong folder so it took a WHILE to find it. stoopid wrong folder..
O~