but I'm still here...
We never did master how to live our lives together. These past few years were more than likely, the best we ever did. Sadly for you, some of your most trying times. I guess I can include myself into that as well. One thing is a fact... we never mastered how to live without one another.
It isn't that I want you here; it's learning how to live with this. I've found kicking drugs & immoral behavior just a blip on the radar compared to this, which will continue to save my spiritual & emotional life. If I ever again find myself lost, our shared roots will never let me stray far from who I am. I can appreciate that the loss of you will always save me.
Dreams of you are so frequent. Last night between the chaos, which is ultimately me just yearning to feel control over this situation, I watched as Jenn painted your nails. I was focused on your hands & everything was just as it was when she was actually painting your nails. I got everything I needed before you passed... when you were unable to speak, you gave me your energy. You heard me, you felt me. Your last physical motion when it didn't seem possible was reaching for me. I was given what I had previously grieved for but selfishlessly, it just isn't enough. I'll always want to talk to you, I'll always want to laugh with you, I'll always want to hug you. I guess that's just the effect mothers have on their children.
