(no subject)
Well, it's been a long time since I have been moved to write anything here.
Fuck, I don't even know why I want to do it now. Blogs are a waste of time which suck you into a mindless addiction to narcissistic ranting and selfish complaints. This is most likely the last time I'll ever post here.
But what the hell, it's a lovely day outside and I'm very bored. Bored, but in good spirits I suppose. There's absolutly zero sunshine outside, and a bitter cold chill. I love damp rainy days. I'll have plently to look foward to in January.
Offical date of departure: January 5th.
I was indeed, accepted to McIntosh College in Dover, New Hampshire. I will live in a one room dorm (renovated Howard-Johnson Hotel) with three other complete strangers. Bunkbeds. It'll be just like the Great Depression! Despite this horrid arrangement of housing, I will enjoy the fresh start I'm getting. As cliche' as it sounds, I feel like I've been burned here one too many times. Not many people will miss me once I'm gone, and the ones who will, shall surely get over it in a short ammount of time. Please don't reply to that comment--it will only rise contempt. When I arrive in NH, no one will know anything about me. I can be as distant as I want, and no one will think anything of it. They'll just think it's how I've always been.
I'll be getting a Mamiya 645 AF (medium format monster-of-a-camera). Not exactly free, it was a monsterous portion of my tuition, but I don't think I would have gotten in otherwise. $3000. As much as that figure hurts to look at, I'm still happy I'll be getting such a nice camera. It will, atleast, be much more responsive than the one I have now. I also get an unreal discount while I'm a student at the school. I get 50% off any camera equipment I order out of their catalogs (which is pretty extensive). Money money money money money....
Pictures to add some interest to an otherwise pitiable post.
It was fun taking some pictures with Matt, Mandy, and Billy.
I should hang out with Matt more before I move.
All good things must come to an end.
Anyway...My friends aren't quite the same anymore. I've been exceedingly lonely lately. Moody. It got really bad after I had a few words with Leigh. For those who don't know: Leigh's boyfriend is very controlling, and he hates me. Therefore, Leigh is not allowed to be around me without starting a fight with her boyfriend, who calls every ten minutes to check up on her. The situation plays itself out exactly the same each time: I get an hour with her, her boyfriend calls, they have an argument, and she leaves with hardly so much as a goodbye. I am Jack's inflamed sense of rejection. Once I told her about the situation it puts me in, she said I should be understanding because she loves him. So I let him have her. It's doubtfull I'll talk to or see her again as long as they're together.
She was the last person I could confide in. She probably didn't know it either. Oh well. She won't read this here anyway. Atleast, not untill I'm gone.
Oh sure, there are other people who would listen to me complain, but no one convienient. Sara lives in Mobile now, and her mother won't let me within 500 feet of her. She says that our age difference makes it unappropriate for us to be friends. (BULLSHIT!!!! BULLSHIT!!!! BULLSHIT!!!!). Her mom loved Seth, and he's my age. They even dated no less. She never had a problem with age then. Therefore, she obviously has no problem lying to her daugher and myself about why she hates me so much when I don't deserve it. Whatever. I'm still going to spend time with Sara whether she likes it or not. Another month and a half, and she'll never have to see or hear from me again. So fuck her.
I do have things to look foward to, though. Like Tahnee. I'll be close enough to visit her from Dover. I won't have a car once I'm up there, which is fine; I can just as easily hop on a train for about $20 and go visit. Public transportation all the way. Buses, Subways, Trains, and Taxi Cabs. Eh, it could be worse. Everything in Dover is reachable on foot or by bus (despite the six to seven inches of snow I will either learn to cope with, or perish in). If bitter cold is the worst of my concerns there, I'd say that's pretty damn good.
I met Tahnee in person when I visited the college several weeks ago. Tahn and Meridith drove almost two hours to come see me. I felt very special. I think I stayed up untill about midnight before they finally left. It may have been a little akward, since I was physically drained by the time I got to see them, that I didn't act like my usual self. The overall mood was festive anyway, and there was happiness worth remembering. Thai soup and chorine scented rooms. Meredith fell asleep in the car, and then we had wild sex with her. Strange things.
Hopefully I won't prove too strange to her, and we'll have more time together. I only get anxious and impatient when I think about her though. My potential for happiness is across the country, and I'm stuck here. Every day is spent watching NYPD Blue, The District, JAG, Law and Order, (insert generic movie), Law and Order: SVU, and Law and Order: CI. In that order. (fuck CSI).
Things will inevitably improve. Inevitably. Maybe when they do, I'll start posting again. Vanity will surely take hold of me again, and I'll believe that someone actually reads all this. Oh, Casey does, I'm sure; but she usually knows all this stuff long before it ever makes it to my journal. She's one of the few really good things I still have. I'll always have her, but convienience is an issue there too. She's all the way in Atlanta, and having a relationship with a telephone isn't always what I need. Once all this college stuff is done and finished, I will spend the rest of my life with her wherever she goes. We're never living this far apart again. Which may be another issue entirely, because I'm afraid I won't want to leave New Hampshire once I get up there, and she has a powerful love for the south (as do I). Maybe she'll live with me there. If not, I'll move back with her. It'll work out somehow.
I do love her, afterall.
Well...I'm going to El' Paso. It'd be a shame to let a day like this pass by without enjoying it a little.
This entry is probably just the beginning of my goodbyes to everyone.
I won't take the time to do something as childish as naming names, but I will miss people here. Despite how often I may or may not see some people, it will be sad to leave them. But in the big picture: it's good that I leave quickly while I have little to hold me to this place.
I have places to visit and people to see.
Fuck, I don't even know why I want to do it now. Blogs are a waste of time which suck you into a mindless addiction to narcissistic ranting and selfish complaints. This is most likely the last time I'll ever post here.
But what the hell, it's a lovely day outside and I'm very bored. Bored, but in good spirits I suppose. There's absolutly zero sunshine outside, and a bitter cold chill. I love damp rainy days. I'll have plently to look foward to in January.
Offical date of departure: January 5th.
I was indeed, accepted to McIntosh College in Dover, New Hampshire. I will live in a one room dorm (renovated Howard-Johnson Hotel) with three other complete strangers. Bunkbeds. It'll be just like the Great Depression! Despite this horrid arrangement of housing, I will enjoy the fresh start I'm getting. As cliche' as it sounds, I feel like I've been burned here one too many times. Not many people will miss me once I'm gone, and the ones who will, shall surely get over it in a short ammount of time. Please don't reply to that comment--it will only rise contempt. When I arrive in NH, no one will know anything about me. I can be as distant as I want, and no one will think anything of it. They'll just think it's how I've always been.
I'll be getting a Mamiya 645 AF (medium format monster-of-a-camera). Not exactly free, it was a monsterous portion of my tuition, but I don't think I would have gotten in otherwise. $3000. As much as that figure hurts to look at, I'm still happy I'll be getting such a nice camera. It will, atleast, be much more responsive than the one I have now. I also get an unreal discount while I'm a student at the school. I get 50% off any camera equipment I order out of their catalogs (which is pretty extensive). Money money money money money....
Pictures to add some interest to an otherwise pitiable post.
It was fun taking some pictures with Matt, Mandy, and Billy.
I should hang out with Matt more before I move.
All good things must come to an end.
Anyway...My friends aren't quite the same anymore. I've been exceedingly lonely lately. Moody. It got really bad after I had a few words with Leigh. For those who don't know: Leigh's boyfriend is very controlling, and he hates me. Therefore, Leigh is not allowed to be around me without starting a fight with her boyfriend, who calls every ten minutes to check up on her. The situation plays itself out exactly the same each time: I get an hour with her, her boyfriend calls, they have an argument, and she leaves with hardly so much as a goodbye. I am Jack's inflamed sense of rejection. Once I told her about the situation it puts me in, she said I should be understanding because she loves him. So I let him have her. It's doubtfull I'll talk to or see her again as long as they're together.
She was the last person I could confide in. She probably didn't know it either. Oh well. She won't read this here anyway. Atleast, not untill I'm gone.
Oh sure, there are other people who would listen to me complain, but no one convienient. Sara lives in Mobile now, and her mother won't let me within 500 feet of her. She says that our age difference makes it unappropriate for us to be friends. (BULLSHIT!!!! BULLSHIT!!!! BULLSHIT!!!!). Her mom loved Seth, and he's my age. They even dated no less. She never had a problem with age then. Therefore, she obviously has no problem lying to her daugher and myself about why she hates me so much when I don't deserve it. Whatever. I'm still going to spend time with Sara whether she likes it or not. Another month and a half, and she'll never have to see or hear from me again. So fuck her.
I do have things to look foward to, though. Like Tahnee. I'll be close enough to visit her from Dover. I won't have a car once I'm up there, which is fine; I can just as easily hop on a train for about $20 and go visit. Public transportation all the way. Buses, Subways, Trains, and Taxi Cabs. Eh, it could be worse. Everything in Dover is reachable on foot or by bus (despite the six to seven inches of snow I will either learn to cope with, or perish in). If bitter cold is the worst of my concerns there, I'd say that's pretty damn good.
I met Tahnee in person when I visited the college several weeks ago. Tahn and Meridith drove almost two hours to come see me. I felt very special. I think I stayed up untill about midnight before they finally left. It may have been a little akward, since I was physically drained by the time I got to see them, that I didn't act like my usual self. The overall mood was festive anyway, and there was happiness worth remembering. Thai soup and chorine scented rooms. Meredith fell asleep in the car, and then we had wild sex with her. Strange things.
Hopefully I won't prove too strange to her, and we'll have more time together. I only get anxious and impatient when I think about her though. My potential for happiness is across the country, and I'm stuck here. Every day is spent watching NYPD Blue, The District, JAG, Law and Order, (insert generic movie), Law and Order: SVU, and Law and Order: CI. In that order. (fuck CSI).
Things will inevitably improve. Inevitably. Maybe when they do, I'll start posting again. Vanity will surely take hold of me again, and I'll believe that someone actually reads all this. Oh, Casey does, I'm sure; but she usually knows all this stuff long before it ever makes it to my journal. She's one of the few really good things I still have. I'll always have her, but convienience is an issue there too. She's all the way in Atlanta, and having a relationship with a telephone isn't always what I need. Once all this college stuff is done and finished, I will spend the rest of my life with her wherever she goes. We're never living this far apart again. Which may be another issue entirely, because I'm afraid I won't want to leave New Hampshire once I get up there, and she has a powerful love for the south (as do I). Maybe she'll live with me there. If not, I'll move back with her. It'll work out somehow.
I do love her, afterall.
Well...I'm going to El' Paso. It'd be a shame to let a day like this pass by without enjoying it a little.
This entry is probably just the beginning of my goodbyes to everyone.
I won't take the time to do something as childish as naming names, but I will miss people here. Despite how often I may or may not see some people, it will be sad to leave them. But in the big picture: it's good that I leave quickly while I have little to hold me to this place.
I have places to visit and people to see.