Existential Crisis? Part One
I feel like a mad man, and I probably am. Each day blends with the one before it, and I dread each one to come. I need to figure out what I am going to do with myself, and who I am in the first place. I think that uncertainty lies at the heart of my problems as of late, and was doubly amplified by my experiences at grad-school.
I should probably start with grad-school. I don't know why I went, and I don't know what I plan on achieving by going, or to be more precise I didn't know what i was planning. When I decided to go to Binghamton I wasn't ready for that level of academia; my Latin was/is awful, I was/am frighteningly unfamiliar with the theories of history, any of the names in my field, or even where the lines between them are drawn. Rather than doing some learning on my own, and finding a program that fit me, I threw myself headfirst into the unknown. I literally had thought to myself: "what the hell other options do I have, I don't wanna work a white collar job, so academia it is!" I was wrong, I find myself in a program that doesn't fit me, one I wasn't ready for. Besides all that I didn't do all so hot while I was up there, not in a academic or even a psychological sense. In regards to the latter, I felt like i was being ripped apart up there. All the assignments, the reading, the writing, the teaching, and the rather cramped schedule, all brought me to the edge, but it is perhaps the expectations for my progress, and the knowledge I should have already possessed which tried me the most. My grades were less then stellar, and I have two incompletes for the last semester. My anxiety is so bad I an hardly bring myself to work on them,much less do anything else.
Anyone I talk to tries to encourage me, which is the single last thing I want. I want to relearn ow to be a person, not to be told about all the effort I will have wasted if I drop out. It makes me fucking nuts to hear about it. I broke my cell phone in half last week at it's god-damned mention. Make no mistake I love to learn, and enjoyed learning what I did while I was up there, but I'm not sure it's the right fit for me. I need to regroup, and I have been trying since I got back. I need some sort of schedule, but circumstances alwas screw it up for me.
fuck it, I'll write more later.
I should probably start with grad-school. I don't know why I went, and I don't know what I plan on achieving by going, or to be more precise I didn't know what i was planning. When I decided to go to Binghamton I wasn't ready for that level of academia; my Latin was/is awful, I was/am frighteningly unfamiliar with the theories of history, any of the names in my field, or even where the lines between them are drawn. Rather than doing some learning on my own, and finding a program that fit me, I threw myself headfirst into the unknown. I literally had thought to myself: "what the hell other options do I have, I don't wanna work a white collar job, so academia it is!" I was wrong, I find myself in a program that doesn't fit me, one I wasn't ready for. Besides all that I didn't do all so hot while I was up there, not in a academic or even a psychological sense. In regards to the latter, I felt like i was being ripped apart up there. All the assignments, the reading, the writing, the teaching, and the rather cramped schedule, all brought me to the edge, but it is perhaps the expectations for my progress, and the knowledge I should have already possessed which tried me the most. My grades were less then stellar, and I have two incompletes for the last semester. My anxiety is so bad I an hardly bring myself to work on them,much less do anything else.
Anyone I talk to tries to encourage me, which is the single last thing I want. I want to relearn ow to be a person, not to be told about all the effort I will have wasted if I drop out. It makes me fucking nuts to hear about it. I broke my cell phone in half last week at it's god-damned mention. Make no mistake I love to learn, and enjoyed learning what I did while I was up there, but I'm not sure it's the right fit for me. I need to regroup, and I have been trying since I got back. I need some sort of schedule, but circumstances alwas screw it up for me.
fuck it, I'll write more later.