(no subject)
It's the little things that get to me.
Like when I find out some information because she told someone else.
Like the times the conversation trickles off when I enter the room. I've never been a conversation killer in my life.
Like the times I'm excluded from the conversation - or only included as asides.
Or when someone else leaves the room, she has to leave too. She can't just be alone in a room with me.
It gets to me when we sit in silence for periods of time. Yet she can talk freely to other people only minutes later.
It hurts that she always feels exasperated by answering my questions.
I hate that all my questions feel forced.
Or when I say something, and she reacts as if I've said something dumb, or unrelated. Or worse, annoying and out-smarting.
I go nuts knowing they giggle, talk, and gossip. And I get a quiet "hello."
I hate the fact that I dread walking in every day, every night.
It depresses me that I am so obsessed over knowing where she is. I find ways to keep others away from her, so I don't feel left out.
I hate feeling left out.
I wish she would treat me the same way she treats her.
I wish I had stayed here this summer. Or that the two of them weren't both here.
I hate losing my best friends.
I wish I knew what to say to her anymore.
I wish she could make jokes with me and goof off with me without being drunk.
I wish I could believe that she was still closer to me than her.
I hate that I am obsessed over this. I hate that it is affecting my life, and my relationship with others.
It gets to me when she treats the two boyfriends in the house differently.
Or when they promise to not make decisions etc without me, yet I still find myself out of the loop.
It upsets me that she has the control - runs everything her way.
It hurts that no matter what, I'm always the bad guy.
But what hurts me the most is that it will never change. She'll never read this; never know how I feel. Even if she did, I'd still end up the bad guy. She'll never know how hurt I am. How abandoned I feel. She'll never admit that things are different between us. She'll never realize how she treats me; how inferior I feel around her. How paranoid I am everytime they talk or do something without me. How I avoid doing everything so I can be around them and not be left out.
She'll never know just how badly it hurts.
Like when I find out some information because she told someone else.
Like the times the conversation trickles off when I enter the room. I've never been a conversation killer in my life.
Like the times I'm excluded from the conversation - or only included as asides.
Or when someone else leaves the room, she has to leave too. She can't just be alone in a room with me.
It gets to me when we sit in silence for periods of time. Yet she can talk freely to other people only minutes later.
It hurts that she always feels exasperated by answering my questions.
I hate that all my questions feel forced.
Or when I say something, and she reacts as if I've said something dumb, or unrelated. Or worse, annoying and out-smarting.
I go nuts knowing they giggle, talk, and gossip. And I get a quiet "hello."
I hate the fact that I dread walking in every day, every night.
It depresses me that I am so obsessed over knowing where she is. I find ways to keep others away from her, so I don't feel left out.
I hate feeling left out.
I wish she would treat me the same way she treats her.
I wish I had stayed here this summer. Or that the two of them weren't both here.
I hate losing my best friends.
I wish I knew what to say to her anymore.
I wish she could make jokes with me and goof off with me without being drunk.
I wish I could believe that she was still closer to me than her.
I hate that I am obsessed over this. I hate that it is affecting my life, and my relationship with others.
It gets to me when she treats the two boyfriends in the house differently.
Or when they promise to not make decisions etc without me, yet I still find myself out of the loop.
It upsets me that she has the control - runs everything her way.
It hurts that no matter what, I'm always the bad guy.
But what hurts me the most is that it will never change. She'll never read this; never know how I feel. Even if she did, I'd still end up the bad guy. She'll never know how hurt I am. How abandoned I feel. She'll never admit that things are different between us. She'll never realize how she treats me; how inferior I feel around her. How paranoid I am everytime they talk or do something without me. How I avoid doing everything so I can be around them and not be left out.
She'll never know just how badly it hurts.