(no subject)
im exhausted. over the edge. im the most tired i have ever been in my life. i sleep only about 5 and a half hours and i have 18-19 hour days. they're so demanding physically and mentally especially. but because everyday i wake up more exhausted than the day b4 i have no energy to do anything or focus in class even. all i think about is bed. and larry. and home. and bed.
i fall asleep in class and my commander tells me to stand up. but then i just fall asleep standing up. so my commander just gets pissed. its so hard to stay awake. i mean like everyone falls asleep in the commanders faces.
last week tho, we did something pretty interesting. we had a day where we did a bunch of activities in full out gas masks and suits. in the end, we were going to go into a room full of tear gas MINUS the masks. i had to take off my glasses/contacts for this one. i walked into the room, the mask tight on my face because i was afraid of the gas. one of my commanders told me to run around in circles, do push ups and sit ups, so i can see that i could function normally with the gas mask. then he's like "ok, now ur going to take off the mask and draw a picture of me." i'm like OOOOkay. i kneel down, and take off the mask. right away my eyes start to burn and water. i couldnt see the paper on the ground, cuz u kno, im blind enough to begin with. anyways, slowly it was getting harder to breathe.i then completely forgot about the drawing. i tried to cough, but even that was hard. my throat started to burn as well. finally he told me to get out of the room. it was such a relieve to get fresh air! i ran against the wind so that the gas would clear out of my eyes. i spit alot cuz the saliva built up in my mouth and tasted like tear gas. not that i kno how tear gas tastes like hehe.
well, afterwards when i was sitting waiting for the rest of the girls, i started thinking about the Holocaust. i kno that the gas the nazis used was much much stronger than tear gas, but i sort of understand how it must of felt to be gassed. horrible way to die.
ookay maybe on to something more happy... umm.. theres nothing realy happy going on with me here to tell u the truth...
everything right now revolves around and is limited by time. 15 min to eat. 7 min to dress up. 2 min to wash hands before meals. 2.5 min to walk from dining room to bedrooms. 10 min to tidy the room. 15 min to clean our guns. there is not one thing i do that is not timed. army makes you feel so isolated and disconnected from everything in the world (way more so than the kibbutz i used to complain about). these past 3 weeks, i was so concentrated on doing everything right and on time that i completely forgot there was a sky even! i swear! one day at night i was out walking from the washroom to the rooms, i looked up and saw the full moon and a hundred stars glowing in the black sky. it felt like i havent seen them in years.
the past few days have been the worst. probably worsened because of PMS. anyways i dont really talk much when im in the army. like remember i was always the "quiet one" back home. well now its like twice as bad, if u can believe. i barely talk. im just feeling depressed. army doesnt make you happy. you only feel happy after you finish. i think im going to be finished pretty soon.
larry helps alot tho. but he's also feeling pretty down. he sleeps less than i do even. 3 or 4 hours only. but we talk everyday and it really cheers us up. we're seeing each other this weekend, which i can't wait for! it recharges us for awhile.. for me it's about a week, before i start needing him again. hehe.
but ya this entry is way too depressing for me. so im just gonna go eat chocolate and watch tv, and paaaaass out for at least 10 hours (cuz i got a day off and right now im at grannys!)
thanks girls for ur support
xoxo
i fall asleep in class and my commander tells me to stand up. but then i just fall asleep standing up. so my commander just gets pissed. its so hard to stay awake. i mean like everyone falls asleep in the commanders faces.
last week tho, we did something pretty interesting. we had a day where we did a bunch of activities in full out gas masks and suits. in the end, we were going to go into a room full of tear gas MINUS the masks. i had to take off my glasses/contacts for this one. i walked into the room, the mask tight on my face because i was afraid of the gas. one of my commanders told me to run around in circles, do push ups and sit ups, so i can see that i could function normally with the gas mask. then he's like "ok, now ur going to take off the mask and draw a picture of me." i'm like OOOOkay. i kneel down, and take off the mask. right away my eyes start to burn and water. i couldnt see the paper on the ground, cuz u kno, im blind enough to begin with. anyways, slowly it was getting harder to breathe.i then completely forgot about the drawing. i tried to cough, but even that was hard. my throat started to burn as well. finally he told me to get out of the room. it was such a relieve to get fresh air! i ran against the wind so that the gas would clear out of my eyes. i spit alot cuz the saliva built up in my mouth and tasted like tear gas. not that i kno how tear gas tastes like hehe.
well, afterwards when i was sitting waiting for the rest of the girls, i started thinking about the Holocaust. i kno that the gas the nazis used was much much stronger than tear gas, but i sort of understand how it must of felt to be gassed. horrible way to die.
ookay maybe on to something more happy... umm.. theres nothing realy happy going on with me here to tell u the truth...
everything right now revolves around and is limited by time. 15 min to eat. 7 min to dress up. 2 min to wash hands before meals. 2.5 min to walk from dining room to bedrooms. 10 min to tidy the room. 15 min to clean our guns. there is not one thing i do that is not timed. army makes you feel so isolated and disconnected from everything in the world (way more so than the kibbutz i used to complain about). these past 3 weeks, i was so concentrated on doing everything right and on time that i completely forgot there was a sky even! i swear! one day at night i was out walking from the washroom to the rooms, i looked up and saw the full moon and a hundred stars glowing in the black sky. it felt like i havent seen them in years.
the past few days have been the worst. probably worsened because of PMS. anyways i dont really talk much when im in the army. like remember i was always the "quiet one" back home. well now its like twice as bad, if u can believe. i barely talk. im just feeling depressed. army doesnt make you happy. you only feel happy after you finish. i think im going to be finished pretty soon.
larry helps alot tho. but he's also feeling pretty down. he sleeps less than i do even. 3 or 4 hours only. but we talk everyday and it really cheers us up. we're seeing each other this weekend, which i can't wait for! it recharges us for awhile.. for me it's about a week, before i start needing him again. hehe.
but ya this entry is way too depressing for me. so im just gonna go eat chocolate and watch tv, and paaaaass out for at least 10 hours (cuz i got a day off and right now im at grannys!)
thanks girls for ur support
xoxo