(no subject)

[flygrl06]

Well I dont kno what set me off but i just finished crying my eyes out.....me and andrew were on the phone being mean to eachother as usual and he proceded to tell me that we had to do a run through rehearsal for songs in senior lab.....and it just really hit me hard that i reeeeeeeeaaallllyyy dont wanna sing tomorrow...i dont wanna sing at all...i dont wanna sing this year...i dont wanna sing in college...i dont wanna sing in life....i guess i started crying cause i just felt like when andrew asked me what was wrong i couldnt tell him casue i knew that he wouldnt understand...that no one would ever understand me...at least no one from my school....i just feel really stupid for being at pva...i feel like ive wasted 4 years of my life...like i couldve been preparing at another high school and taking classes that might have helped me in the career that i do wanna do in college...but instead im singing meanlingless songs and getting reprimanded from mrs. bonner about not being enthusisatic...im tired of feeling like im less of a person or a singer because im not in a the two highest ensembles...im tired of a certain persons remarks about me and them actin like they are above me...i just cant wait to go to a normal atmosphere where i can be a normal person...im just sad that wat i used to love to do has become a chore and i seriously think that i loathe singing...i just feel stupid stupid ...i feel stupid for sitting here crying about this...none of this that is happening doesnt even matter..now im rambling..and still no one understands me...i hate this...if i could go bak and rewind the hands of time i would go to pearland instead of pva, im tired of feeling like im not successful, i kno that i am successful i just dont feel like it cause im not successful in what im at the school for... which is singing, and thats because their is no drive or passion behind it...because the drive is somewhere else...and im frustrated becasue i cant use it anywhere or let anybody see what im really good at because we have no oppoturnites at our school to do anything outside or art areas...im tired of being that kid that has nothing to show for herself but a repitoir of songs that are going to be trashed the moment i graduate, im tired of being the kid that stands on the sidelines and watches everyone succeed

why why why...why was i soooo stupid, why didnt i decide to leave this school a long time ago?...i just cant take this...nothing in my life seems to be going well right now...and now people are really going to turn their noses up at me cause i feel like this, and agree that i shouldnt have wasted my time dooing something that i didnt enjoy, and that sucks that i cant find not a single person that can understand where im "really" coming from...im just...im just...tired