(no subject)
Ok seriously. Ahh..the journal to vent. Life is great.
Im so freaking confused right now. Me and Darryl NEED to be over. But for some depressing reason, I just can't let go. I'm not gonna go into what exactly is going on between us, but seriously. Number one. I am done being hurt. I seriouly am starting to believe that he enjoys hurting me. Like, seeing my cry is his idea of a grand old time. If not, why would he do it. I feel like I'm stuck in this FUCKING game he plays about how much can he do to me before I actually leave him. And I hate it, beacsue do I ever leave? No. He HURT me, in more ways than one, becasue of his problem. Seriously, who the fuck physically HURTS someone in order to do that??
He's fucking up my life. Im about thisclose to being royally FUCKED in school, and although it's not becasue of him, it's beacsue I let him effect me. I'm like a freakin zombie at my internship. WHY WHY WHY do I keep going back? I'm TWO MONTHS from graduation. I'm about to start my life. I don't need him holding me back. Yet for some reason, I can't let go.
I think it's becasue even though I am 110% certain that he DOESNT love me, even if he says he does, I love him. More than anything. So I care. And I feel a responsibility to help him. Even though part of my brain is saying FUCK THAT you need to help yourself. It's like I can tell him I never want to talk to him again and he'll call me two days later and then it starts all over again. It's like love hate love hate love hate between the two of us. And I NEED to let go. But I feel like I can't
SIX YEARS. SIX FREAKING YEARS I've spent on him. And he just keeps hurting me. He's fucking up my life. I'm better than that. I'm a better person than him, I'm smarter than him, I will go a MILLION times farther in life than he EVER will. So why do I keep him? I make excuses, like I just want someone to go out with and mees around with. I want someone to move out of my house with. Then I think that it's still ok. But it's not. Its been a YEAR i've been dealing with his BULLSHIT, and it's getting worse every day. It's time to let him go.
But it's so freaking hard. I seriously thought we were going to get married. But I feel like he will NEVER get his shit together. And that hurts me more than anything he has EVER done to me. I feel like I need to be there for him, but then he's NEVER EVER EVER there for me. NEVER. He seriously is like a fucking 10 year old. He doesnt realize that his actions affect other people. He doesnt realize that HE is responsible for what he does. It's my fault. Or he had a "bad day". Or he "can't help it". FUCK THAT YES YOU CAN. Seriously, grow the fuck up you are almost TWENTY THREE YEARS OLD.
It's like I hate him. I hate him with everything in my body. I hate how he is. I hate how he treats me. The thing is i KNOW I shouldn't be with him. I KNOW I deserve better. MAybe I'm scared to be single. I've been with someone since i was FIFTEEN. I don't even know how to be single. I don't even know who I am anymore. FUCK FUCK FUCK. I hate everything. But the thing is, I haven't cried tonight. Not even once. But the second he calls me, I know I'll be bawling and expecting him to make it all go away. I hate that. I hate myself for that. I don't know what to do. I'm lost right now.
Im going to bed. I have a presentation for work tomorrow and I can NOT Fuck it up. MAybe....I don't know fuck it.
Im so freaking confused right now. Me and Darryl NEED to be over. But for some depressing reason, I just can't let go. I'm not gonna go into what exactly is going on between us, but seriously. Number one. I am done being hurt. I seriouly am starting to believe that he enjoys hurting me. Like, seeing my cry is his idea of a grand old time. If not, why would he do it. I feel like I'm stuck in this FUCKING game he plays about how much can he do to me before I actually leave him. And I hate it, beacsue do I ever leave? No. He HURT me, in more ways than one, becasue of his problem. Seriously, who the fuck physically HURTS someone in order to do that??
He's fucking up my life. Im about thisclose to being royally FUCKED in school, and although it's not becasue of him, it's beacsue I let him effect me. I'm like a freakin zombie at my internship. WHY WHY WHY do I keep going back? I'm TWO MONTHS from graduation. I'm about to start my life. I don't need him holding me back. Yet for some reason, I can't let go.
I think it's becasue even though I am 110% certain that he DOESNT love me, even if he says he does, I love him. More than anything. So I care. And I feel a responsibility to help him. Even though part of my brain is saying FUCK THAT you need to help yourself. It's like I can tell him I never want to talk to him again and he'll call me two days later and then it starts all over again. It's like love hate love hate love hate between the two of us. And I NEED to let go. But I feel like I can't
SIX YEARS. SIX FREAKING YEARS I've spent on him. And he just keeps hurting me. He's fucking up my life. I'm better than that. I'm a better person than him, I'm smarter than him, I will go a MILLION times farther in life than he EVER will. So why do I keep him? I make excuses, like I just want someone to go out with and mees around with. I want someone to move out of my house with. Then I think that it's still ok. But it's not. Its been a YEAR i've been dealing with his BULLSHIT, and it's getting worse every day. It's time to let him go.
But it's so freaking hard. I seriously thought we were going to get married. But I feel like he will NEVER get his shit together. And that hurts me more than anything he has EVER done to me. I feel like I need to be there for him, but then he's NEVER EVER EVER there for me. NEVER. He seriously is like a fucking 10 year old. He doesnt realize that his actions affect other people. He doesnt realize that HE is responsible for what he does. It's my fault. Or he had a "bad day". Or he "can't help it". FUCK THAT YES YOU CAN. Seriously, grow the fuck up you are almost TWENTY THREE YEARS OLD.
It's like I hate him. I hate him with everything in my body. I hate how he is. I hate how he treats me. The thing is i KNOW I shouldn't be with him. I KNOW I deserve better. MAybe I'm scared to be single. I've been with someone since i was FIFTEEN. I don't even know how to be single. I don't even know who I am anymore. FUCK FUCK FUCK. I hate everything. But the thing is, I haven't cried tonight. Not even once. But the second he calls me, I know I'll be bawling and expecting him to make it all go away. I hate that. I hate myself for that. I don't know what to do. I'm lost right now.
Im going to bed. I have a presentation for work tomorrow and I can NOT Fuck it up. MAybe....I don't know fuck it.