2010- I've missed you and I'm here.. at least at the moment
I have been gone for what seems like ages. Well, I suppose, in reality, it has been quite some time. I have missed journaling here but have continued to make excuses because I didn't want to just drop in, drop two lines and vanish again. It's hard to predict or depend on myself these days. I'm kinda stuck and random. It just depends on the day. So finally, I became resolute to just come and see if I even remembered my password. Fortunately, last time I was here, I had changed it and I recalled that. I changed it from the old one because I had it for so darn long and it was kinda hard to remember and exceptionally long. I always had some minor fear that I would forget it. And then what! Would all of my memories/entries vanish because I could no longer connect to them??
My desire is to return to posting about my boring, stressful life. I suppose I just need a place to vent where someone Might read it and share the common misery among humanity. Somehow connecting to mostly strangers in the virtual world is somehow comforting? Maybe it's just being noticed by someone you wouldn't connect with if it wasn't for this virtual world. It's kinda fascinating and safe because you don't have to worry about stuff you say coming back at you in the work place or daily life. At least one can hope!
My life has been pretty much the same. Nothing overly exciting. My poetry has been enhanced I believe through sharing with others via my facebook account. I find writing poetry about the dark issues that face me relieve my soul... a sort of catharsis if you will... relieves the pressure. But I came to a realization that bothered and even worried me for awhile. That people view me as cynical, negative or pessimistic because of the darkness of my poetry and entries. I guess, if you don't REALLY know me, it can seem like that.
I finally made some amends with the fact that people make judgments based on little real facts and I can't worry myself over misconceptions and put energy into negative comments from people that don't really know the real me. On the other hand, I hate to portray myself as some negative eeyore type. I am a very enthusiastic and surprisingly happy person. Even with my depression, anxiety, chronic pain issues, etc.... I cope pretty well thanks to my faith. Still, I tend to cope through light sarcasm, humor and also vent my frustrations through reactionary status updates and poems from the soul. I guess those things often put people off more then I ever knew.
I'm currently unemployed but not on disability either. I keep getting denied because "i'm disabled but not disabled enough for my age and degree in san diego, California."
Just to add more burn to the rub. I have been trying/fighting so hard to get Medi-cal (aka Medicaid) for the last few years as I was no longer insured after graduation this plunging me into quality of life issues, increased health issues and precarious resources. I have programs to help pay for my medical needs but they are efficient and as a result, my health has really gone down hill. I'm taking 13 medications right now!!!!!!! I have been on less them half of that for years when I was insured. So this really shows the effect of health disparities on individual lives. It's no wonder that ethnic minorities, in particular because of being overall in lower poverty levels have bad health issues and lack of preventative care. The system has a ton of cracks for you to fall into and people step over the cracks not realizing there are people down there who need help getting out. The media will let you believe, those of us in the cracks deserved to be there and need to find our own way out not realizing that mostly anyone can get swallowed up especially when you become chronically ill and unable to work. Unless you have money, you get caught easily into a system of paperwork.
So with my Medi-cal case.... they have had me and my part time assistant fill out mounds of paperwork. They have requested all of my medical records and sent me to a few of their doctors. I have had a legal representative to assist me with my case and I found out she has moved to another county. Then when I went to catch up with my ongoing drawn out Medi-cal case... I called the state.. and apparently my case has mysteriously 'vanished from the system.' There is no record of it so my last 3 years is apparently worth Naught right now. Im told I need to start back over. I feel crushed under the weight of this news and a bit loss. After some crying, prayer from our God Jehovah, and singing some kingdom songs, I cheered up for a bit and came to the realization that this is yet another part of Satan's master plan to keep us distracted from service to the True God. So I know I just need to really continue asking for holy spirit, continue to put my service to Jehovah first and then work slowly as able on my case... contacting potential sources of help and moving ahead.
I cannot be swamped down and discouraged by such blatant bureaucracy and just lose my sanity and spiritual health in it. It could absorb all of my time and cause lots of pain. It does cause pain and it can take time but I can control how much time and how much energy and pain I give to it. The results will be what the results will be.
Well, I always have lots more to say but currently, Im out of energy to continue typing more so I will say bye for now. Im going to try hard to return here with more writing.
I feel happy about coming back.
My desire is to return to posting about my boring, stressful life. I suppose I just need a place to vent where someone Might read it and share the common misery among humanity. Somehow connecting to mostly strangers in the virtual world is somehow comforting? Maybe it's just being noticed by someone you wouldn't connect with if it wasn't for this virtual world. It's kinda fascinating and safe because you don't have to worry about stuff you say coming back at you in the work place or daily life. At least one can hope!
My life has been pretty much the same. Nothing overly exciting. My poetry has been enhanced I believe through sharing with others via my facebook account. I find writing poetry about the dark issues that face me relieve my soul... a sort of catharsis if you will... relieves the pressure. But I came to a realization that bothered and even worried me for awhile. That people view me as cynical, negative or pessimistic because of the darkness of my poetry and entries. I guess, if you don't REALLY know me, it can seem like that.
I finally made some amends with the fact that people make judgments based on little real facts and I can't worry myself over misconceptions and put energy into negative comments from people that don't really know the real me. On the other hand, I hate to portray myself as some negative eeyore type. I am a very enthusiastic and surprisingly happy person. Even with my depression, anxiety, chronic pain issues, etc.... I cope pretty well thanks to my faith. Still, I tend to cope through light sarcasm, humor and also vent my frustrations through reactionary status updates and poems from the soul. I guess those things often put people off more then I ever knew.
I'm currently unemployed but not on disability either. I keep getting denied because "i'm disabled but not disabled enough for my age and degree in san diego, California."
Just to add more burn to the rub. I have been trying/fighting so hard to get Medi-cal (aka Medicaid) for the last few years as I was no longer insured after graduation this plunging me into quality of life issues, increased health issues and precarious resources. I have programs to help pay for my medical needs but they are efficient and as a result, my health has really gone down hill. I'm taking 13 medications right now!!!!!!! I have been on less them half of that for years when I was insured. So this really shows the effect of health disparities on individual lives. It's no wonder that ethnic minorities, in particular because of being overall in lower poverty levels have bad health issues and lack of preventative care. The system has a ton of cracks for you to fall into and people step over the cracks not realizing there are people down there who need help getting out. The media will let you believe, those of us in the cracks deserved to be there and need to find our own way out not realizing that mostly anyone can get swallowed up especially when you become chronically ill and unable to work. Unless you have money, you get caught easily into a system of paperwork.
So with my Medi-cal case.... they have had me and my part time assistant fill out mounds of paperwork. They have requested all of my medical records and sent me to a few of their doctors. I have had a legal representative to assist me with my case and I found out she has moved to another county. Then when I went to catch up with my ongoing drawn out Medi-cal case... I called the state.. and apparently my case has mysteriously 'vanished from the system.' There is no record of it so my last 3 years is apparently worth Naught right now. Im told I need to start back over. I feel crushed under the weight of this news and a bit loss. After some crying, prayer from our God Jehovah, and singing some kingdom songs, I cheered up for a bit and came to the realization that this is yet another part of Satan's master plan to keep us distracted from service to the True God. So I know I just need to really continue asking for holy spirit, continue to put my service to Jehovah first and then work slowly as able on my case... contacting potential sources of help and moving ahead.
I cannot be swamped down and discouraged by such blatant bureaucracy and just lose my sanity and spiritual health in it. It could absorb all of my time and cause lots of pain. It does cause pain and it can take time but I can control how much time and how much energy and pain I give to it. The results will be what the results will be.
Well, I always have lots more to say but currently, Im out of energy to continue typing more so I will say bye for now. Im going to try hard to return here with more writing.
I feel happy about coming back.