(no subject)
i might have reached my all time lows. im so fucking miserable. i cant even find all the words to explain how much i miss phil. like seriously, i dont know what the fuck to do. its so hard without him. and i know everyone is gunna read this and sum of u will be like "di ur better off without him." its pathedic how much i pushed him away when i was in love with him and now that im not, i want him here. this isnt a confession that i would ever want to get back with him, cuz its not wut i want. i jus want the old phil back, the kind that would call me everyday to see how im doin, the kind that would be so embarresed to smile around me cuz i made fun of his yellow teeth, the kid who shaved his arms, shared laughs and tears, called me a bitch about 1000 times, wore shirts he could fit in when he was 6. i could go on. im fucking pathedic. why do i spend my time thinking about if he misses me or not? whether or not he thinks of me at like 10:00 or when he sees me in pictures. i wonder if he kept up the pictures of me in his basement. i hate the fact that i dont hate him. theres nothing i can regret doing, cuz it wouldnt be worth eating myself up about it. i wish things were different, yes...but i dont wish i could go back and change things. when he told me last week that these couple of months that he hasnt talked to me has been sum of his happiest. everything just hurts so badly. maybe this is why i didnt want a boyfriend my senior year. if we broke up during this year, i'd be a mess. college, a heart broken, graduation, and work...wut a great mix. look wut being punished does to you. it makes u really think about how fucked up ur life is.
i decided last night that im really gunna open up to my therapist. im not jus gunna tell her wuts goin on in my life right then. i have decided to share some of my inner most thoughts with her. so far it has been a show for me...jus proving to her that i can be normal in my not-so-normal life. im gunna let a lot of things out, which is gunna leed to more counciling. GREAT. i should start righting things down on sum paper.
u know, maybe like a year ago...when a lot of shit was goin on with rita and everything and after she died. i would always think if i killed myself, who would come to my funeral. i think that would be the most fullfilling thing in the whole process. of course, ending this shit of a life God has created for me, but wondering what kind of fake people would all of a sudden act like they care to see me stone cold in an open coffin. meliss has thought about it too, i remember. i dont think about killing myself a lot. i dont have the strength to anyway. yeah...all my friends, like meliss or jess r prolly gunna have sumthin to say about this. like im full of shit or sumthin or im makin shit worse than it is. idk...maybe they wont. when i got into my car accident, i thought i was going to die. i cant even explain how it felt.
im having a shitty day.
can u tell?
i need a black.
im trying to think of where i can smoke it.
drugs are bad.
blacks are not.
ill prolly update again tonight. who am i kidding.
i decided last night that im really gunna open up to my therapist. im not jus gunna tell her wuts goin on in my life right then. i have decided to share some of my inner most thoughts with her. so far it has been a show for me...jus proving to her that i can be normal in my not-so-normal life. im gunna let a lot of things out, which is gunna leed to more counciling. GREAT. i should start righting things down on sum paper.
u know, maybe like a year ago...when a lot of shit was goin on with rita and everything and after she died. i would always think if i killed myself, who would come to my funeral. i think that would be the most fullfilling thing in the whole process. of course, ending this shit of a life God has created for me, but wondering what kind of fake people would all of a sudden act like they care to see me stone cold in an open coffin. meliss has thought about it too, i remember. i dont think about killing myself a lot. i dont have the strength to anyway. yeah...all my friends, like meliss or jess r prolly gunna have sumthin to say about this. like im full of shit or sumthin or im makin shit worse than it is. idk...maybe they wont. when i got into my car accident, i thought i was going to die. i cant even explain how it felt.
im having a shitty day.
can u tell?
i need a black.
im trying to think of where i can smoke it.
drugs are bad.
blacks are not.
ill prolly update again tonight. who am i kidding.