Reality
Well, this is my second Christmas spent with St Elizabeth hospital. I think the first one was because of seizures, I honestly don't remember it very well, I just remember I had gotten out right before my birthday and went right back in right after. Last year I was at the state hospital during the holidays but on Christmas night I began having excruciating pain in my right side. They took me to the hospital where I was diagnosed with a lemon sized cyst on my ovary (along with some other smaller ones) and a UTI. It was a week later that I returned for the same reason, only this time my liver enzymes were through the roof. While there were many considerations for what could be the cause, my gallbladder ended up being the one the doctors decided on and thirty three days, three invasive procedures, three inpatient surgeries and two outpatient surgeries later and I was cured....kind of. What a long recovery that was and being in the state hospital certainly didn't make it any easier
So, here I sit on Christmas day, alone. I decided to text Ashley and tell her merry Christmas in a desperate attempt to fix this weird, messed up friendship we used to have....no answer. There was a point where I spent Christmas with her family, not just her immediate family, her extended family, and when I didn't show up to special events, they asked why. Those days are now behind us. The state hospital ruined so much for me
I am now invisible. Those I have in my life who "care" about me, I pay to do so, or at least my insurance does. I cannot keep anyone in my life without some sort of promise that they will gain something more than just my mear friendship or even just existence. I really have no purpose in this world. My life has no meaning. I am sad, no, I'm not even sad anymore, I don't know what I am, sometimes I doubt I even AM
They do these "depression screenings" here in the hospital. I answered with laughter and smiles, "I have SUCH amazing support, I am just SO lucky, I am definitely not depressed" "okay then, we're done" Relief. Had I answered the questions honestly, I surely would have been redflagged as a potential suicide risk. The next nurse came in "are you suicidal?" "No" She moved on. None of these people can know the dark thoughts that lurk within my empty eyes
I told MarJo, "I'm scared, I'm telling you this because I'm really scared." I don't think she gets how scared I really am. My "split second moment" is consuming me. I am getting stuck in the shadows and I can't find my way out. I'm lost and confused, and worst of all, I'm alone
Each year at the holidays, I wonder if my family remembers me. I wonder if they wonder about me the same way I wonder about them. In my family it was tradition to have Christmas breakfast. This morning I was brought in biscuits and gravy...exactly what I would have eaten had I been with my family. It took all I had not to break down in tears. My mother, my sister, my niece, they will all gather together and I, for the rest of my life, will never see them again. I will never spend another Christmas with my family...I do not have a family
That is one thing NO ONE can ever understand the concept of unless they have lived it: Having no family. Foster children, neglected, people like me, we're all a member of this club we don't want to be a member of. Those who want to be loved but never are. Some of us break out because we get married to good people, some of us never do and for those of us, we're left living in a world of grief for those we wish we could have had
So, here I am on Christmas day, alone. I am not worried about the fact that the doctor said one more night and this could have killed me, I almost wish I would have stayed at home. This day isn't one of happiness and rejoicing with those I love for me, it's one of recognizing what I don't and never will have and because of that, I will always be incomplete
So, here I sit on Christmas day, alone. I decided to text Ashley and tell her merry Christmas in a desperate attempt to fix this weird, messed up friendship we used to have....no answer. There was a point where I spent Christmas with her family, not just her immediate family, her extended family, and when I didn't show up to special events, they asked why. Those days are now behind us. The state hospital ruined so much for me
I am now invisible. Those I have in my life who "care" about me, I pay to do so, or at least my insurance does. I cannot keep anyone in my life without some sort of promise that they will gain something more than just my mear friendship or even just existence. I really have no purpose in this world. My life has no meaning. I am sad, no, I'm not even sad anymore, I don't know what I am, sometimes I doubt I even AM
They do these "depression screenings" here in the hospital. I answered with laughter and smiles, "I have SUCH amazing support, I am just SO lucky, I am definitely not depressed" "okay then, we're done" Relief. Had I answered the questions honestly, I surely would have been redflagged as a potential suicide risk. The next nurse came in "are you suicidal?" "No" She moved on. None of these people can know the dark thoughts that lurk within my empty eyes
I told MarJo, "I'm scared, I'm telling you this because I'm really scared." I don't think she gets how scared I really am. My "split second moment" is consuming me. I am getting stuck in the shadows and I can't find my way out. I'm lost and confused, and worst of all, I'm alone
Each year at the holidays, I wonder if my family remembers me. I wonder if they wonder about me the same way I wonder about them. In my family it was tradition to have Christmas breakfast. This morning I was brought in biscuits and gravy...exactly what I would have eaten had I been with my family. It took all I had not to break down in tears. My mother, my sister, my niece, they will all gather together and I, for the rest of my life, will never see them again. I will never spend another Christmas with my family...I do not have a family
That is one thing NO ONE can ever understand the concept of unless they have lived it: Having no family. Foster children, neglected, people like me, we're all a member of this club we don't want to be a member of. Those who want to be loved but never are. Some of us break out because we get married to good people, some of us never do and for those of us, we're left living in a world of grief for those we wish we could have had
So, here I am on Christmas day, alone. I am not worried about the fact that the doctor said one more night and this could have killed me, I almost wish I would have stayed at home. This day isn't one of happiness and rejoicing with those I love for me, it's one of recognizing what I don't and never will have and because of that, I will always be incomplete