(no subject)
Sometimes I just feel like crying because that seems the easiest, and sadly, the most logical thing to do. True, it may not necessarily solve problems, but it does seem to be a sort of bittersweet release. I think today is one of those days where I could just sit at my computer and cry. Perhaps not for any specific or good reason, but because my heart is in my throat and crying feels good right now and like what I should be doing.
I decided that I would kind of like some of my memories to be wiped clean. I would like if things mattered less to me. If I could forget, that would be divine. I remember too much and against my will. Is it horrible to wish that I could suppress some things? To never let them surface? To suffocate them beneath the present and let the past die hard? I wish sometimes that I was naive again, that I didn't question the obvious and that I didn't cry every time I said good-bye. That I didn't cry when I was happy to be where I was with whoever I was there with. That my smile wouldn't fade. That I wouldn't hold on to things not worth bothering with. That I wouldn't let my temper get the best of me. That I would laugh when something unimportant bothered me instead of getting upset. That my emotions wouldn't rule me. That I knew I have absolutely nothing to worry about.
Other than that, I did have a lovely weekend with a lot of good laughs and a lot of wonderful hugs. ::Sigh:: Still hate good-byes with a passion. Just terrible with them, no matter what. And the "ripping the band-aid off quickly" so that it hurts less, is all a fallacy. Just NOT true. Tried that and failed MISERABLY. Just reinforces the idea that I am bad at letting go. And hesitant to do do so.
Ugh. Sooooo much work. Soooo much to do. This is going to be the week of pain and suffering. I have an obscene amount of work to do and no desire to do it. And, I've decided I'm just tired. Always tired. No matter what. Not sure if I can still attribute that to Mono or not, but I will anyhow because it seems like a good idea. Can't wait till all my final papers are written and I'm on my way home. I think that's part of the problem. And a lot of things seem to come back to this, I feel like I'm suffering identity loss. Not sure really where I belong. Dover is, in many senses NOT, nor will it EVER be my home. I guess when you take the few things that seemed real, that seemed stable and discard them, life takes on a transient appearance. Your home of 15 years is supposed to provide some sort of base, but sweep that away and you're left with the idea of home- or of what your family used to be like when you lived there. But even then, you ask yourself if you're just idealizing it, and you realize that you probably are and after all- maybe you just miss the idea and not the reality.
My brother leaves January 1st to go to California and train full-time for the Marines. Then, if all continues on the same path, he's off to Iraq. Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. I miss my brothers. I'm sad for Jimmy, because he has to leave Ali to go fight some stupid war for a stupid cause. I miss Eric because it's been more than a year since I've seen him and at least a few months since I've talked to him- despite trying to call him several times and sending him a letter. I don't like letting people go, or growing apart. I wish he would move back to the East Coast.
In retrospect, I guess it's okay to cry. And to be a little bit sad. Or a lot. On the other hand. I have so much to be happy for, which makes me want to cry more because I feel like a selfish little brat for not being thankful for all of the wonderful people in my life. It's frustrating. Sometimes it's so easy to just let myself get dragged down and caught up in all the things that don't really matter. Maybe I need a new perspective? I don't know.
Okay, time to write my papers. This should be NOT fun. Maybe I'll get rid of my impenetrable writer's block and finally write something that isn't completely terrible.
I'd say I was apathetic, but I've decided lack of emotion or interest is something I can feign, but never really mean.
I decided that I would kind of like some of my memories to be wiped clean. I would like if things mattered less to me. If I could forget, that would be divine. I remember too much and against my will. Is it horrible to wish that I could suppress some things? To never let them surface? To suffocate them beneath the present and let the past die hard? I wish sometimes that I was naive again, that I didn't question the obvious and that I didn't cry every time I said good-bye. That I didn't cry when I was happy to be where I was with whoever I was there with. That my smile wouldn't fade. That I wouldn't hold on to things not worth bothering with. That I wouldn't let my temper get the best of me. That I would laugh when something unimportant bothered me instead of getting upset. That my emotions wouldn't rule me. That I knew I have absolutely nothing to worry about.
Other than that, I did have a lovely weekend with a lot of good laughs and a lot of wonderful hugs. ::Sigh:: Still hate good-byes with a passion. Just terrible with them, no matter what. And the "ripping the band-aid off quickly" so that it hurts less, is all a fallacy. Just NOT true. Tried that and failed MISERABLY. Just reinforces the idea that I am bad at letting go. And hesitant to do do so.
Ugh. Sooooo much work. Soooo much to do. This is going to be the week of pain and suffering. I have an obscene amount of work to do and no desire to do it. And, I've decided I'm just tired. Always tired. No matter what. Not sure if I can still attribute that to Mono or not, but I will anyhow because it seems like a good idea. Can't wait till all my final papers are written and I'm on my way home. I think that's part of the problem. And a lot of things seem to come back to this, I feel like I'm suffering identity loss. Not sure really where I belong. Dover is, in many senses NOT, nor will it EVER be my home. I guess when you take the few things that seemed real, that seemed stable and discard them, life takes on a transient appearance. Your home of 15 years is supposed to provide some sort of base, but sweep that away and you're left with the idea of home- or of what your family used to be like when you lived there. But even then, you ask yourself if you're just idealizing it, and you realize that you probably are and after all- maybe you just miss the idea and not the reality.
My brother leaves January 1st to go to California and train full-time for the Marines. Then, if all continues on the same path, he's off to Iraq. Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. I miss my brothers. I'm sad for Jimmy, because he has to leave Ali to go fight some stupid war for a stupid cause. I miss Eric because it's been more than a year since I've seen him and at least a few months since I've talked to him- despite trying to call him several times and sending him a letter. I don't like letting people go, or growing apart. I wish he would move back to the East Coast.
In retrospect, I guess it's okay to cry. And to be a little bit sad. Or a lot. On the other hand. I have so much to be happy for, which makes me want to cry more because I feel like a selfish little brat for not being thankful for all of the wonderful people in my life. It's frustrating. Sometimes it's so easy to just let myself get dragged down and caught up in all the things that don't really matter. Maybe I need a new perspective? I don't know.
Okay, time to write my papers. This should be NOT fun. Maybe I'll get rid of my impenetrable writer's block and finally write something that isn't completely terrible.
I'd say I was apathetic, but I've decided lack of emotion or interest is something I can feign, but never really mean.