Revelations
I wrote this last night when I was in the midst of an epic breakdown...I posted it to my myspace blog, but that is not the correct forum, so here it is in all it's unedited glory.
Revelations
So tonight I finally realized that my friends here consider me the token party friend. I get calls to come to parties, to drink myself into a stupor, to be a source of entertainment for them through my ridiculous antics. Meah, it doesn't matter how I feel about it, it doesn't matter that it is a constant struggle in my head between being happy and content and being unhappy with myself but making others happy about themselves because they aren't the drunk crazy girl.
I am the person they can count on to grab drinks whenever, whereever. I am the girl that will hit on people and blantantly say "we should hook up" no matter how bad that person makes me feel when I am sober. I am the girl that will pass out on the floor, not knowing where they are, or who really is around them. I am the girl that makes sure everyone else has a good time while all the while I am having a horrible time and feel consumed by a self hatred and loathing that no one else should ever be subjected to. I am the girl who will knowingly put themselves into a bad situation, fully aware of the consequences, under the guise of helping out a friend.
and it not everyone else's fault. It is mine. Alcohol is my security blanket, it gives me an excuse, it dulls feelings when I don't want to deal with them, it is the only constant, real relationship I feel I have most days. Faking being happy all the time is what I have always done. It is easier to put a smile on and fake it rather than having to deal with whatever is going on in my head.
And this all makes no sense, but here is the sensical part coming out now: I am done being the party girl. I am done being the person that everyone else can look back on and say "at least I wasn't her." I am done making relationships based on partying and drinking. I am getting nothing out of it, and in the long run, neither are they.
Revelations
So tonight I finally realized that my friends here consider me the token party friend. I get calls to come to parties, to drink myself into a stupor, to be a source of entertainment for them through my ridiculous antics. Meah, it doesn't matter how I feel about it, it doesn't matter that it is a constant struggle in my head between being happy and content and being unhappy with myself but making others happy about themselves because they aren't the drunk crazy girl.
I am the person they can count on to grab drinks whenever, whereever. I am the girl that will hit on people and blantantly say "we should hook up" no matter how bad that person makes me feel when I am sober. I am the girl that will pass out on the floor, not knowing where they are, or who really is around them. I am the girl that makes sure everyone else has a good time while all the while I am having a horrible time and feel consumed by a self hatred and loathing that no one else should ever be subjected to. I am the girl who will knowingly put themselves into a bad situation, fully aware of the consequences, under the guise of helping out a friend.
and it not everyone else's fault. It is mine. Alcohol is my security blanket, it gives me an excuse, it dulls feelings when I don't want to deal with them, it is the only constant, real relationship I feel I have most days. Faking being happy all the time is what I have always done. It is easier to put a smile on and fake it rather than having to deal with whatever is going on in my head.
And this all makes no sense, but here is the sensical part coming out now: I am done being the party girl. I am done being the person that everyone else can look back on and say "at least I wasn't her." I am done making relationships based on partying and drinking. I am getting nothing out of it, and in the long run, neither are they.