2008 A Better Friend
It's a new year. We always put together so many ideas about how to make this year better than the last. There is this struggle between the shortcomings of last year and the hopes for a new year that you either win or lose depending on the strength of one or the other. I want this year to be better. I wanted last year to be better too, and in some ways, it certainly was. If I had the copacity, I would try to explain in words what last year gave and took from me, but I'm not that good of a writer. I find the horizon of 2008 to be a bright one, but a lonely one. It's a difficult transition a lot of us are making, between being dependent and being independent. You can move away and towards both ideals in the shortness of a moment, in the difference between being "a couple" and being "alone" and even a whole spectrum between those titles. It's been a long time since I have been able to committ to wanting to be either one. I mostly just want to be myself, but I fear that I'm not even sure who that is anymore.
I went on a date this weekend with a very nice man. It was a nice date, we had drinks and we chatted, he was nice and interesting, but the whole thing just left me feeling blah. I know something wasn't right but I have trouble pinpointing it. He has already asked me out for another date which leaves me thinking, "is it just me?" "are my standards to high?" "too low?" "is this what dating actually is? spending a few dull hours with a dull person exchanging dull conversation about boring daily trivialities?" Maybe I am asking for too much? I don't even know what I want, but I do know that I don't want to feel this confusing covetous envy that makes itself into my daily life from time to time leaving me convinced of a life of solitude and longing.
Maybe it was better when everything inside was closed for buisness? At least I got more done.
I went on a date this weekend with a very nice man. It was a nice date, we had drinks and we chatted, he was nice and interesting, but the whole thing just left me feeling blah. I know something wasn't right but I have trouble pinpointing it. He has already asked me out for another date which leaves me thinking, "is it just me?" "are my standards to high?" "too low?" "is this what dating actually is? spending a few dull hours with a dull person exchanging dull conversation about boring daily trivialities?" Maybe I am asking for too much? I don't even know what I want, but I do know that I don't want to feel this confusing covetous envy that makes itself into my daily life from time to time leaving me convinced of a life of solitude and longing.
Maybe it was better when everything inside was closed for buisness? At least I got more done.