(no subject)
does anyone else ever feel that they must be the only one who doesnt know what is happening or where they are going?
i sat in a room full of people today and felt ridiculously nervous, like i was acting a part by being there, as surely everyone else knew what the lecturer was talking about and of course had plans they wanted to managed and people to group with...
(i did say hi to friendly aquaintance bec from creative writing the year before last, but thats about it....)
does everyone else have to go around looking and sounding like they know where they want to go, what they want to for their highly individual and creative projects with groups of cool looking arty friends??? it makes those of us -please let there be some more out there!- who dont know what they are doing, just want a relatively interesting job where they are mostly told what to do, and are feeeling lonely, feel bad.
i felt strangely inadequate walking around uni, carrying too many bags and hiding behind my sunnies. felt like everyone else was somehow better or cooler or just got 'It' more. it was horrible, i dont remember feeling like this before, and i dont know why i am now. too much cold hard thinking about reality maybe? feeling old and growup? :P ........or quite possibly its just the raging mess of hormones that my emotions are at the moment.........
.....and they are a mess. totally. imagine a whole month of solid, bad pms, and you will have close to what i've been going through this last month. and putting the poor dear boy through as well - mood swings, happy sad confused violent and worst of all bursting into floods of tears for no reason. those of you who know me, will know that i hate not being in control, and so will understand more why this is all something that i hate passionately. and the stabbing pain, lets not forget that either....
anyway, i have a specialist appointment with a gyne on wednesday, so please keep your fingers crossed for me that this can all be diagnosed and sorted out soon. before it drives me up the wall...
apart from all that, things arent too bad at all :)
uni has started, i got piles of pretty stationary last friday after work, and should at least prove interesting....
the weekend was my birthday - thanks a heap for the birthday wishes everyone - and it was fun.
we had been planning to go out friday night, but i was exhausted and owchie and ended up just falling asleep instead.
woke up in the morning and insisted on kisses and a cuddle from my love. got presented with my presnt, the amazing and cool 'gorillapod' prehensile tripod and played arounbd with it. went over home , picking up pie and apple turnover with cream yum on the way, and had good intentions for tidying that did not occur.instead i rested and read and snuggled. mum got home and there was must fluster, and we set off for a quick shopping trip to equip her for tennis. tree of life is closing and i am so upset! did get a tutu dress and feathers though :P home to lay tables and fuss and cuddle the boy and primp. needed to look good in my red marilyn dress and new Corset! :) sal and ollie arrived, sal looking gorgeous in her vietnam tailoring - i am so loving hearing all her stories, before now i wouldnt have even thought about going there, but now it sounds so appealing- and were whisked off to make salad. then the flood of attis arrived - godmum sue, sorrel still scaring me with how ladylike she is, tall zand and his lovely billy and dreadlocked 'pirates of teh caribean' tom :P it was good to have them there, as they are as close to family as i have here. and then darling virginia and her new man nick, who is loud, earthy and seems to make her happy. sat down aropund the table and got drinks and talked. i ended up spending more of the evening chatting to the 'grown ups' :P which was ok, as tim seemed to be keeping the rest of the table entertained. we had yummy curry and champagne and it was goodly :D then opening presents time, hehehe. was so bowled over by the love :) a gorgeous lotus flower china candle holder from viginia, a personalised modern silver charm bracelt from attis, vietnam handmade bag, silk painting and earrings from sal, and from parents and jay, the usual poetry card, a silver key charm -yay, a surpirise! :P- and the wonderful huge black 'going to the races' hat and beautiful gold antique pendant and chain. arent i a lucky girl!?! then it was more laughing and desert time. lemon sorbet -with the candles, which i got out in 1 bliow this time!- icecream and more yummy pavlovas and berries. then speaches. i made everyone else go first :P dad gave a speach with mum also chiming in with extra's, mostly about how i was born and then how they were proud of me, awwww. then i made everyone else give a memory of me, which was lovely, mostly good, if amusing and embarassing and some of which i dont even remember. then i had to do the same. it was so nice to have such special people all around :) then nick 'called me a race', that is, we all chose race horse names "the naughtier the better" and he put them into a race, which is his job. it was hilarious!! then chocolates and group photos and then everyone left and we put stuff away and fell into bed. mum and jay left early yesterday and then i was going to help dad tidy up,but ended up mostly crying my eyes out on tims shoulder. watched bad tv and read birthday emails - from both my uncles, grandma, jules, had sms's from grandad and sheila and a lovely phone call from my godmother sue in joburg :D *must remember to reply to all those.... so all in all, a fairly good birthday. even if i dont feel like it was, or that im actually old now :P
of course, as judi pointed out, it doesnt help that my party was weeks ago - her fault :P but that was heaps of fun too - thanks to all who attended!!!! i was fussing for several days prior, and majorly over catered the whole thing :P tim came over to help set up and tara arrived early as well. my first outfit was my wings and so a fairy princess was the go :P had bumped into stu colbourne few days ago at work, so he was there as a rather quiet prescnce. darling layka came and tried to teach me poi? twirling, which was most amusing. jess came with adam which was lovely of her. there had been plans of going to the park, but these were disgarded and we sat around on the deck talking the whole afternoon and evening. got a lovely call from teh fiend with birthday wishes. ginny arived with her usual style and craziness and proceeded to eat about 30 pixie stix during the evening. judi was there, of course, and dear lovely rachy and simon came. crazy jess 1st year arrived and chris came for abit. lots of lovely people who i am so lucky and blessed to know :D i started in on the presents early -it hadnt felt like birthday party till i did:P- and i got a lovely swag of loot! jess made me a charming crown and i got a blue and gold balinese skirt, from layka an adorable card and green jasper bracelet, tara a perfect sparkly red handbag, anopther handbag of perfectly suited crazy pink flowers from nin, a precious silver bookmark from rachy, a bottle of pink:) wine from simon that i really must get around to drinking, a visit to the tarot reader from jess and the most moving letter and beautiful china cake platter from judi :) lots of eating, drinking and merriment was the evening :D sean stopped in briefly, which was nice. changed into my white princess (no it is Not a wedding dress! :P) dress and set off about 50 party poppers with everyone, the streamers were everywhere and i loved it! cake was a delicious pile of pavlovas and berries and i insisted on blowing out my 21 candles :P then speaches, oh dear! since i had neglected to tell dad about the tradition of embarassing photos, he made up for it with a speach...i was called a 'little yellow squiggle'! but the rest was lovely. then ginny, of course, talked and reminded us all of school years. i made my boy say stuff, which embarassed him terribly and which probly only we understood :) i had to talk, which was terrible, but i hope i got across how much everyone meant to me :) quieted down as people left, but then i demanded dancing and set off with dad. ginny, tara, judi and graham were left and prnced around - ginny and graham is the most mind boggling combination:P - and i got to slow dance with my love, as a special treat :D was a really lovely evening, and i have the canvas (thanks for the ides Fi!) with everyones notes to remember it all by :D
what else interesting has happened in the last few weeks?.... there was judi's going away picnic, which was good to get rid of all the excess food :P we set ourselves up the the gardens, moving teh blanket with the shade and had a most lovely day of chatting with lovely people. ended up leaving early though, as was tired and had work teh next day. was able to go over for dinner to farewell judi the the wednesday, which was good. i got on the wrong train though, and had to be collected from burpengary *blushes*. helped jude pack and cook, chatted with her mum and had dinner. quick hugs and a nice tearless goodbye. has been really good to talk on the phone, esp on the day she left, as it has made the distance seem less far.
sometime in there we had a weekend trip to the computer market with layka, where i got nice cheap speakers and then on to chermside for sushi and shopping.
last friday was nice, i only had work in the afternoon on saturday, so had huw and mary over for dinner, which was really lovely. a nice bottle of wine and charming conversation :) then it was heading out to faith for dancing! i actually liked the empty dance floor as i coould prance around however i felt like whithout being embarrassed :P i think i might finally be getting the hang of this crazy dancing. saw a few ppl - liam and stacy back together, and got wonderful fiend hugs. there was a bad fight on the street which scared me and we had an early night.
not much else interesting that i can think of. been a dull trudge of working lots, trying to get research project finished - oh yeah, there was a presentatioon day for that- and not succeeding...... oh and i've done some art recently!!!!! :D nothing special, just some mini canvases with trees, some finger painting on the dream one, and some rough sketches, but it's made me feel much better. and i cooked tim a roast dinner last thursday as a special treat.
anyway, this has managed to distract me for the last hour or so from more crying, and the fact that i should have eaten something...
...and now tim is home and demanding hugs, so i should go....
love to everyone who has managed to read this far :P
i sat in a room full of people today and felt ridiculously nervous, like i was acting a part by being there, as surely everyone else knew what the lecturer was talking about and of course had plans they wanted to managed and people to group with...
(i did say hi to friendly aquaintance bec from creative writing the year before last, but thats about it....)
does everyone else have to go around looking and sounding like they know where they want to go, what they want to for their highly individual and creative projects with groups of cool looking arty friends??? it makes those of us -please let there be some more out there!- who dont know what they are doing, just want a relatively interesting job where they are mostly told what to do, and are feeeling lonely, feel bad.
i felt strangely inadequate walking around uni, carrying too many bags and hiding behind my sunnies. felt like everyone else was somehow better or cooler or just got 'It' more. it was horrible, i dont remember feeling like this before, and i dont know why i am now. too much cold hard thinking about reality maybe? feeling old and growup? :P ........or quite possibly its just the raging mess of hormones that my emotions are at the moment.........
.....and they are a mess. totally. imagine a whole month of solid, bad pms, and you will have close to what i've been going through this last month. and putting the poor dear boy through as well - mood swings, happy sad confused violent and worst of all bursting into floods of tears for no reason. those of you who know me, will know that i hate not being in control, and so will understand more why this is all something that i hate passionately. and the stabbing pain, lets not forget that either....
anyway, i have a specialist appointment with a gyne on wednesday, so please keep your fingers crossed for me that this can all be diagnosed and sorted out soon. before it drives me up the wall...
apart from all that, things arent too bad at all :)
uni has started, i got piles of pretty stationary last friday after work, and should at least prove interesting....
the weekend was my birthday - thanks a heap for the birthday wishes everyone - and it was fun.
we had been planning to go out friday night, but i was exhausted and owchie and ended up just falling asleep instead.
woke up in the morning and insisted on kisses and a cuddle from my love. got presented with my presnt, the amazing and cool 'gorillapod' prehensile tripod and played arounbd with it. went over home , picking up pie and apple turnover with cream yum on the way, and had good intentions for tidying that did not occur.instead i rested and read and snuggled. mum got home and there was must fluster, and we set off for a quick shopping trip to equip her for tennis. tree of life is closing and i am so upset! did get a tutu dress and feathers though :P home to lay tables and fuss and cuddle the boy and primp. needed to look good in my red marilyn dress and new Corset! :) sal and ollie arrived, sal looking gorgeous in her vietnam tailoring - i am so loving hearing all her stories, before now i wouldnt have even thought about going there, but now it sounds so appealing- and were whisked off to make salad. then the flood of attis arrived - godmum sue, sorrel still scaring me with how ladylike she is, tall zand and his lovely billy and dreadlocked 'pirates of teh caribean' tom :P it was good to have them there, as they are as close to family as i have here. and then darling virginia and her new man nick, who is loud, earthy and seems to make her happy. sat down aropund the table and got drinks and talked. i ended up spending more of the evening chatting to the 'grown ups' :P which was ok, as tim seemed to be keeping the rest of the table entertained. we had yummy curry and champagne and it was goodly :D then opening presents time, hehehe. was so bowled over by the love :) a gorgeous lotus flower china candle holder from viginia, a personalised modern silver charm bracelt from attis, vietnam handmade bag, silk painting and earrings from sal, and from parents and jay, the usual poetry card, a silver key charm -yay, a surpirise! :P- and the wonderful huge black 'going to the races' hat and beautiful gold antique pendant and chain. arent i a lucky girl!?! then it was more laughing and desert time. lemon sorbet -with the candles, which i got out in 1 bliow this time!- icecream and more yummy pavlovas and berries. then speaches. i made everyone else go first :P dad gave a speach with mum also chiming in with extra's, mostly about how i was born and then how they were proud of me, awwww. then i made everyone else give a memory of me, which was lovely, mostly good, if amusing and embarassing and some of which i dont even remember. then i had to do the same. it was so nice to have such special people all around :) then nick 'called me a race', that is, we all chose race horse names "the naughtier the better" and he put them into a race, which is his job. it was hilarious!! then chocolates and group photos and then everyone left and we put stuff away and fell into bed. mum and jay left early yesterday and then i was going to help dad tidy up,but ended up mostly crying my eyes out on tims shoulder. watched bad tv and read birthday emails - from both my uncles, grandma, jules, had sms's from grandad and sheila and a lovely phone call from my godmother sue in joburg :D *must remember to reply to all those.... so all in all, a fairly good birthday. even if i dont feel like it was, or that im actually old now :P
of course, as judi pointed out, it doesnt help that my party was weeks ago - her fault :P but that was heaps of fun too - thanks to all who attended!!!! i was fussing for several days prior, and majorly over catered the whole thing :P tim came over to help set up and tara arrived early as well. my first outfit was my wings and so a fairy princess was the go :P had bumped into stu colbourne few days ago at work, so he was there as a rather quiet prescnce. darling layka came and tried to teach me poi? twirling, which was most amusing. jess came with adam which was lovely of her. there had been plans of going to the park, but these were disgarded and we sat around on the deck talking the whole afternoon and evening. got a lovely call from teh fiend with birthday wishes. ginny arived with her usual style and craziness and proceeded to eat about 30 pixie stix during the evening. judi was there, of course, and dear lovely rachy and simon came. crazy jess 1st year arrived and chris came for abit. lots of lovely people who i am so lucky and blessed to know :D i started in on the presents early -it hadnt felt like birthday party till i did:P- and i got a lovely swag of loot! jess made me a charming crown and i got a blue and gold balinese skirt, from layka an adorable card and green jasper bracelet, tara a perfect sparkly red handbag, anopther handbag of perfectly suited crazy pink flowers from nin, a precious silver bookmark from rachy, a bottle of pink:) wine from simon that i really must get around to drinking, a visit to the tarot reader from jess and the most moving letter and beautiful china cake platter from judi :) lots of eating, drinking and merriment was the evening :D sean stopped in briefly, which was nice. changed into my white princess (no it is Not a wedding dress! :P) dress and set off about 50 party poppers with everyone, the streamers were everywhere and i loved it! cake was a delicious pile of pavlovas and berries and i insisted on blowing out my 21 candles :P then speaches, oh dear! since i had neglected to tell dad about the tradition of embarassing photos, he made up for it with a speach...i was called a 'little yellow squiggle'! but the rest was lovely. then ginny, of course, talked and reminded us all of school years. i made my boy say stuff, which embarassed him terribly and which probly only we understood :) i had to talk, which was terrible, but i hope i got across how much everyone meant to me :) quieted down as people left, but then i demanded dancing and set off with dad. ginny, tara, judi and graham were left and prnced around - ginny and graham is the most mind boggling combination:P - and i got to slow dance with my love, as a special treat :D was a really lovely evening, and i have the canvas (thanks for the ides Fi!) with everyones notes to remember it all by :D
what else interesting has happened in the last few weeks?.... there was judi's going away picnic, which was good to get rid of all the excess food :P we set ourselves up the the gardens, moving teh blanket with the shade and had a most lovely day of chatting with lovely people. ended up leaving early though, as was tired and had work teh next day. was able to go over for dinner to farewell judi the the wednesday, which was good. i got on the wrong train though, and had to be collected from burpengary *blushes*. helped jude pack and cook, chatted with her mum and had dinner. quick hugs and a nice tearless goodbye. has been really good to talk on the phone, esp on the day she left, as it has made the distance seem less far.
sometime in there we had a weekend trip to the computer market with layka, where i got nice cheap speakers and then on to chermside for sushi and shopping.
last friday was nice, i only had work in the afternoon on saturday, so had huw and mary over for dinner, which was really lovely. a nice bottle of wine and charming conversation :) then it was heading out to faith for dancing! i actually liked the empty dance floor as i coould prance around however i felt like whithout being embarrassed :P i think i might finally be getting the hang of this crazy dancing. saw a few ppl - liam and stacy back together, and got wonderful fiend hugs. there was a bad fight on the street which scared me and we had an early night.
not much else interesting that i can think of. been a dull trudge of working lots, trying to get research project finished - oh yeah, there was a presentatioon day for that- and not succeeding...... oh and i've done some art recently!!!!! :D nothing special, just some mini canvases with trees, some finger painting on the dream one, and some rough sketches, but it's made me feel much better. and i cooked tim a roast dinner last thursday as a special treat.
anyway, this has managed to distract me for the last hour or so from more crying, and the fact that i should have eaten something...
...and now tim is home and demanding hugs, so i should go....
love to everyone who has managed to read this far :P