(no subject)
God works in mysterious ways. During the beginning of November, I found out that my aunt had a brain tumor located in the center of her brain. It was pushing on her optical nerve causing her to loser her vision. Never in my life have I had an emotional outburst the way I did when I was told about this. My aunt, who is my father's sister, is an amazing person. She's been a good Christian woman her entire life, and has always been good to everyone around her...such a positive person. I found myself angry at my father, wishing it had been him, and actually saying this angrily to my mother. I found myself really not understanding why he, who has been a rotten man his entire life, to me (his only child) to my mother, to his parents, to his sisters, to everyone....can be just fine, and then someone so good can be dealt a card that is quite frankly, just so bad. I called to check up on my aunt one day, after she met with the neurosurgeon and talked to my grandmother. I checked my emails a couple of days later, and there was a message from my dad, who I have not spoken to in at least a year and a half. The message was rotten and foul. He opened it with calling me a slut. I found it comical actually, but really I guess it's just sad. My myspace is private, so he can't see my pictures when he goes on, but he can sure see my boyfriend's. Eze did a photoshoot themed "adam and eve" during the summer. The girl in the photos has long dark brown hair, blue eyes, and super plump limps. Her skin is clear and flawless. My father believes that is ME in the photo. To me this is comical, but when I step back for a second it's sad. He doesn't even know what I look like! I don't remotely even resemble this girl. It's crazy. He moved on to call me a slut, telling me nobody in my family cared about me or knew me for that matter. That I should "move to fucking mexico". He also said he wished "your mother would have beat your fucking face in, but I guess she didn't want to hit you that hard because shit splatters". You know, the email hurt my feelings at first. Now I'm sitting here thinking about a lot of things. I have an alcoholic mother, and a lunatic father, neither of which I can help. I've hated myself for a long time because of them. Now I can't help, but love myself a little more because I'm so much different. I could never say and do te types of things that my dad has done, and I drink about once a year...for my bday. I guess I've just learned about myself a little more and realized I'm stronger than I thought. So is my aunt. She made it out of surgery just fine, and the tumor is gone. Hopefully all will be well. I pray for her every single day. I was wrong for wishing that on my dad. It makes me just like him.
I guess I just had to get that off of my chest. I'm happy I have my own little space where I can go vent, because sometimes people just don't want to hear it.
You know...I miss the good old days. Where there was no such thing as real stress, marching band and my friends were my life, and media play was my second home and so many people I loved were all around me. I swear, it feels like everyone is gone. Or maybe it's me?
I guess I just had to get that off of my chest. I'm happy I have my own little space where I can go vent, because sometimes people just don't want to hear it.
You know...I miss the good old days. Where there was no such thing as real stress, marching band and my friends were my life, and media play was my second home and so many people I loved were all around me. I swear, it feels like everyone is gone. Or maybe it's me?