losing someone...

[flutter0fwings]

is probably one of the worst feelings, ever. it still hasn't really hit me that my uncle died on saturday. i just can't imagine family functions without him, and i'm not looking forward to the first one. even though he was a great-uncle, he was still a huge part of my life. he always supported my decisions (even though they were usually more liberal than he would like), and was always interested in what was going on in my life. my family is really big, but we're all really close, so i know that we will work through this. but its the first family member that i've lost that i've been close to, and it just doesn't seem real. i feel that we were all cheated because i know he wasn't ready to go, and leave my aunt a widow. i feel so terrible for her, and i can't even imagine what she's going through. it came as such a shock because he wasn't sick, and he was only supposed to go in for surgery a couple weeks ago, and even with a few complications, we all thought he would be out in a couple days. i guess i just haven't really come to terms with it yet, and when i do think about it just break down. i was supposed to go to my aunt's this afternoon with my cousins, but i just couldn't. its really selfish of me, but i'm not ready yet. it really makes me realize how short life is, and how stupid it is to hold grudges, or take people for granted. this whole experience has made me want to hang out with my family and friends more, because you never know what's going to happen, or what can change over a weekend. a few months ago my sister had a breakdown, and told my mom and i that she has had this feeling that she's going to die really young, around the age of 17. she also had a lot of other weird "feelings" and "presences." i can't imagine losing my sister, especially at such a young age. i'm still getting to know her, as she growing into such a wonderful girl.

ughhhhhhh okay. i just had to get that out. i'm going to miss my uncle larry so much, and i honestly don't think we'll ever be the same :( i'm going to try my hardest to be there for my aunt because i know she's probably a mess right now, and that's really all i can do...