finally
Well, I've finally decided to take time out from my busy schedule to update my journal since its been almost 3 weeks since my last entry. Ok, well I haven't been that busy...just too lazy to write i guess. Anyways, since its been so long, I don't know where to start. I'm still stuck at home and my car is still not fixed, although now it has a different problem than when it first broke down. Originally the problem was that the engine was overheating...well we got that fixed after 3 weeks...then my dad told me i could drive my car again. I was sooo excited...so I got into my car to take my brother to school, and I get a little way down the road and realize i have no brakes...which made driving really interesting. Oh well...I didn't get hurt or anything...but now it'll prolly be another 3 weeks before I have my car back. So for the time being, I have to rely on my friends to drive me around if I want to go anywhere. I can also borrow my dad's truck sometimes...but thats only after 9 when he's back from work, or on sundays.
Ok, now for a more detailed desription of what i've been up to since i've been home. I had my first week off, and I wanted to take every opportunity to see my friends and party since I knew I wouldn't have much time for it once classes and work started. So, I went over to marc's a couple times...once with will...and had fun...stayed out all night...and pissed off my parents. I had decided i was gonna do what i want since i'm an adult and thats the way it should be...but my parents had other plans...and i got grounded for my insolent behaviour...and my car-borrowing privileges were revoked. So i spent the rest of the week at home...being tortured by my family.
Then on Monday I started insurance classes from 8am-5:30pm. It was soo boring...and torturous...plus I came down with a cold or something on Sunday so I was sick the whole time. And Monday was me and marc's 3 month anniversary(the 17th), but i didn't get to see him which really sucked. So...classes continued till Friday...then I had until Wednesday to study for my state exam. Somewhere in there David came back from Florida and decided to take an interest in me again so I spent quite a bit of time with him. We had some fun, but things are just weird and awkward between us, its hard to explain. Anyways, I also saw Brian and Will again before my birthday and we had fun hanging out. I'm gonna miss Will this summer since he's gonna be in NY...but at least Brian is back from Spain now and i can see him.
So, then Wed the 26th was my 20th birthday, and the day of my state exam. That really sucked cause I failed my exam by one question, and now I have to retake it and I am missing work until then. So, I was miserable on my birthday for awhile...then Marc came over and made things better. He got me roses and a bracelet and chocolate which i thought was really sweet of him. He only stayed for a few hours and then had to go to work, I wish we could have had more time together but oh well. I got to have my favourite food for dinner (poutine), and Marc actually tried it, lol.
Well, since then I've been doing some studying and seeing a different guy every day, lol. Also, my brother and his gf came on the 27th and spent 4 days with us. We went to the lake on Saturday and David came too. I had fun on the waverunner and stuff but I had some conflicts with David over him being too rough and stealing my floatie and pushing me off the waverunner and making me hit my head. Then on the ride home, he was driving like a crazy person as usual, and skidded us into a ditch. It wasn't serious or anything, we didn't get hurt, its way worse for him actually cause he fucked up the front of his car...and he is totally in love with his car so that really sucks for him. My parents weren't too happy about his reckless driving and I guess my dad said something harsh to David when he found out what happened...but i dunno what...and then David went home right after that and I haven't talked to him since then. oh..weird thing though...David's mom called me and invited me to dinner sunday night (tonight) for David's birthday. I was compelled to say yes...but I'm not looking forward to it...cause its like i have to get something for him, and i dunno what...and its prolly gonna be really awkward. But we'll see how it goes.
Alright, now the main thing i want to talk about is yesterday. Marc took the day off so we could spend some time together. We had planned on going to the lake but the weather wasn't conducive to that. So we talked for awhile and waited to see if marc would be able to get a ride to come over to my house to hang out. But that didn't work out, so I decided to borrow the truck to go pick him up and then go to the mall. So around 1:00 I asked my mom if I could do that. She totally flipped out on me and we had this huge emotional "discussion" where she lectured me and made me feel like shit again. But this was way worse than any of our other talks. She laid into me about why i'm seeing marc, and why i act differently with david then i do with marc. So I said to her, I'm not even gonna bother trying to explain it to you because you never listen and you'll never understand...i really tried with david but it didn't work out, marc is really sweet and i have fun with him and i don't see why that is such a problem for you, its not even like he's the only person i'm seeing...David is around all the time, isn't that what you wanted? And she told me no, that i'm totally wrong if i think she wants me to be with David. So i was like WTF?!? She's been trying to force me to be with him for sooo long...harassing me constantly about being with him...saying its my fault things didn't work out cause i fucked it up by not trying hard enough and not acting like i cared. And she asked me why i ever bothered with him if i didn't care. Well, that really pissed me off cause she knows damn well that i did care and that i did try and she practically forced me to go way farther than i should have, which is how i got hurt. But she denied having pressured me...and started saying all this shit about how she doesn't trust my judgement and how i'm a different person than she thought i was...that i don't want anything good outta life...that i have no ambition and want to end up a loser like my friends...that she's told me how awesome i am all my life, and how she always told me to not spend so much time on school and to go out and have fun and be with my friends and do stuff that makes me happy, and that she's always supported me. She was so wrong about everything, and it made me feel shitty that she still doesn't understand me at all and that she thinks such horrible things about me after i've spent practically my whole life sacrificing my happiness and what i wanted in order to do what she wanted me to do and to try and make her happy and proud of me and all that. And i cried and told her that I had spent years doing everything i could to make her happy, and that nothing i could ever do was ever good enough...and thats why lately i was doing stuff she didn't like...cause i decided i wanted to try and make myself happy cause i realized that no matter what i ever did, it would still not be good enough and she'd never approve. She said that was the biggest bullshit she'd ever heard...that i've always done exactly what i wanted with no regard for her and how dare i say that kind of shit about her when everything has always been about me. She also said that working with me in insurance was the dumbest thing she'd ever decided to do and that she'll pay for me to retake my exam on thursday and she doesn't care if i pass or fail, cause after that i'm on my own and i can find my own job cause she doesn't want to work with me. Now i'm really upset because I wasted years doing what i thought she wanted me to do...and now she says she wanted me doing totally different things...its like damned if you do, damned if you don't with her. And now she's all upset and cried and i feel even worse because i let her down again...just like i have my whole life. Its like i'm a total failure at the one thing i tried the hardest at, and now that i've given up trying to figure out how to make her happy, i don't know what to do. I guess I need to get a job and get a loan for school and just hang in there until classes start again. Not having a car that works is a big problem though...I can't go to work without a car. I'm also annoyed cause i'd known i was gonna have to get my own job, i could have done it a month ago and been making money all this time. The whole situation is just so fucked up. But it'll all work out somehow. After the big talk, I took the truck and went to see Marc. We talked and it made me feel better. Then we went to the mall and I had fun and got my mind off things for awhile. Then we went back to his house and watched Dirty Dancing and talked a little more and then I came back home and went to bed early. I didn't even watch QAF, I'll have to do that tonight. Well, I think i've said enough for one entry...if anyone has any advice or anything to say, PLEASE let me know. I could really use it right now.
Ok, now for a more detailed desription of what i've been up to since i've been home. I had my first week off, and I wanted to take every opportunity to see my friends and party since I knew I wouldn't have much time for it once classes and work started. So, I went over to marc's a couple times...once with will...and had fun...stayed out all night...and pissed off my parents. I had decided i was gonna do what i want since i'm an adult and thats the way it should be...but my parents had other plans...and i got grounded for my insolent behaviour...and my car-borrowing privileges were revoked. So i spent the rest of the week at home...being tortured by my family.
Then on Monday I started insurance classes from 8am-5:30pm. It was soo boring...and torturous...plus I came down with a cold or something on Sunday so I was sick the whole time. And Monday was me and marc's 3 month anniversary(the 17th), but i didn't get to see him which really sucked. So...classes continued till Friday...then I had until Wednesday to study for my state exam. Somewhere in there David came back from Florida and decided to take an interest in me again so I spent quite a bit of time with him. We had some fun, but things are just weird and awkward between us, its hard to explain. Anyways, I also saw Brian and Will again before my birthday and we had fun hanging out. I'm gonna miss Will this summer since he's gonna be in NY...but at least Brian is back from Spain now and i can see him.
So, then Wed the 26th was my 20th birthday, and the day of my state exam. That really sucked cause I failed my exam by one question, and now I have to retake it and I am missing work until then. So, I was miserable on my birthday for awhile...then Marc came over and made things better. He got me roses and a bracelet and chocolate which i thought was really sweet of him. He only stayed for a few hours and then had to go to work, I wish we could have had more time together but oh well. I got to have my favourite food for dinner (poutine), and Marc actually tried it, lol.
Well, since then I've been doing some studying and seeing a different guy every day, lol. Also, my brother and his gf came on the 27th and spent 4 days with us. We went to the lake on Saturday and David came too. I had fun on the waverunner and stuff but I had some conflicts with David over him being too rough and stealing my floatie and pushing me off the waverunner and making me hit my head. Then on the ride home, he was driving like a crazy person as usual, and skidded us into a ditch. It wasn't serious or anything, we didn't get hurt, its way worse for him actually cause he fucked up the front of his car...and he is totally in love with his car so that really sucks for him. My parents weren't too happy about his reckless driving and I guess my dad said something harsh to David when he found out what happened...but i dunno what...and then David went home right after that and I haven't talked to him since then. oh..weird thing though...David's mom called me and invited me to dinner sunday night (tonight) for David's birthday. I was compelled to say yes...but I'm not looking forward to it...cause its like i have to get something for him, and i dunno what...and its prolly gonna be really awkward. But we'll see how it goes.
Alright, now the main thing i want to talk about is yesterday. Marc took the day off so we could spend some time together. We had planned on going to the lake but the weather wasn't conducive to that. So we talked for awhile and waited to see if marc would be able to get a ride to come over to my house to hang out. But that didn't work out, so I decided to borrow the truck to go pick him up and then go to the mall. So around 1:00 I asked my mom if I could do that. She totally flipped out on me and we had this huge emotional "discussion" where she lectured me and made me feel like shit again. But this was way worse than any of our other talks. She laid into me about why i'm seeing marc, and why i act differently with david then i do with marc. So I said to her, I'm not even gonna bother trying to explain it to you because you never listen and you'll never understand...i really tried with david but it didn't work out, marc is really sweet and i have fun with him and i don't see why that is such a problem for you, its not even like he's the only person i'm seeing...David is around all the time, isn't that what you wanted? And she told me no, that i'm totally wrong if i think she wants me to be with David. So i was like WTF?!? She's been trying to force me to be with him for sooo long...harassing me constantly about being with him...saying its my fault things didn't work out cause i fucked it up by not trying hard enough and not acting like i cared. And she asked me why i ever bothered with him if i didn't care. Well, that really pissed me off cause she knows damn well that i did care and that i did try and she practically forced me to go way farther than i should have, which is how i got hurt. But she denied having pressured me...and started saying all this shit about how she doesn't trust my judgement and how i'm a different person than she thought i was...that i don't want anything good outta life...that i have no ambition and want to end up a loser like my friends...that she's told me how awesome i am all my life, and how she always told me to not spend so much time on school and to go out and have fun and be with my friends and do stuff that makes me happy, and that she's always supported me. She was so wrong about everything, and it made me feel shitty that she still doesn't understand me at all and that she thinks such horrible things about me after i've spent practically my whole life sacrificing my happiness and what i wanted in order to do what she wanted me to do and to try and make her happy and proud of me and all that. And i cried and told her that I had spent years doing everything i could to make her happy, and that nothing i could ever do was ever good enough...and thats why lately i was doing stuff she didn't like...cause i decided i wanted to try and make myself happy cause i realized that no matter what i ever did, it would still not be good enough and she'd never approve. She said that was the biggest bullshit she'd ever heard...that i've always done exactly what i wanted with no regard for her and how dare i say that kind of shit about her when everything has always been about me. She also said that working with me in insurance was the dumbest thing she'd ever decided to do and that she'll pay for me to retake my exam on thursday and she doesn't care if i pass or fail, cause after that i'm on my own and i can find my own job cause she doesn't want to work with me. Now i'm really upset because I wasted years doing what i thought she wanted me to do...and now she says she wanted me doing totally different things...its like damned if you do, damned if you don't with her. And now she's all upset and cried and i feel even worse because i let her down again...just like i have my whole life. Its like i'm a total failure at the one thing i tried the hardest at, and now that i've given up trying to figure out how to make her happy, i don't know what to do. I guess I need to get a job and get a loan for school and just hang in there until classes start again. Not having a car that works is a big problem though...I can't go to work without a car. I'm also annoyed cause i'd known i was gonna have to get my own job, i could have done it a month ago and been making money all this time. The whole situation is just so fucked up. But it'll all work out somehow. After the big talk, I took the truck and went to see Marc. We talked and it made me feel better. Then we went to the mall and I had fun and got my mind off things for awhile. Then we went back to his house and watched Dirty Dancing and talked a little more and then I came back home and went to bed early. I didn't even watch QAF, I'll have to do that tonight. Well, I think i've said enough for one entry...if anyone has any advice or anything to say, PLEASE let me know. I could really use it right now.