weekend details and issues with guys...
Well, I had a pretty good weekend...didn't get much work done cause i went home though. Friday night I said goodbye to my grandparents since they were leaving to go back to NY for the summer. My aunts were also visiting friday...i almost didn't recognize sherry...she looks a lot different and has a wicked southern accent from living in Wilmington for the last few years. She also drank more than a half bottle of vodka in one night...but i can't really blame her since she just came from visiting her son who's in jail in Georgia for selling/possessing drugs. Anyways, Saturday me and Stef helped my mom set up her office and put furniture together, my mom is all excited about starting her agency. I spent most of sunday shopping with my mom for office stuff and hanging out with stef. And thats about all I have to say about that stuff.
Today I got to sign up for housing for next year. I got Rm 245 in Morrison South which is one of the best rooms i could have gotten on south campus so I'm pretty happy about that. Its still far away from classes and stuff but I might keep it anyways cause its a really good room and i'll have AC. It looks like me and Nikki will be rooming together next year and I think that'll be good. We had some issues freshman year but i think we've got that straightened out now. Anyways, since I was up early for the housing thing i decided to actually go to my 9am meteorology class...for the 2nd time in a row...haha. I was all proud of myself for actually starting to go to class again...but i did end up sleeping through half the class so its not such a big accomplishment. But it was worth going cause i ran into harris while walking back from class. I hadn't seen him in a long time so we talked for like a half hour. I've mostly been wasting time since my last class got out at 1. Been on the computer, talking on IM, talking on the phone...sleeping. I've been so tired lately i don't know whats wrong with me. And i've had this annoying headache on and off for 5 days but its gone for now at least.
Ok, i've been talking too much about the details of what i've been doing and not about what i'm actually thinking or feeling so i'm gonna say some stuff about that now. I have been having a really hard time concentrating on school work lately...i'm worried about this 10 page english paper i have to write cause i hate papers and i don't even have a topic yet. And that weighing on my mind makes it harder for me to do any other work. But its not just that...I am obsessed with gymnastics and i day dream about doing gymnastics all the time during class and when i'm trying to do hw. And when i'm not thinking about either of those things, i'm obsessing over guys. I really need to sort out some of my feelings on that subject. I don't know whats wrong with me lately...i guess my mom has dragged up a lot of things i hadn't thought about in a long time and i thought i had dealt with. I wish she had just let things go but since she has to bring up keith and david every chance she gets it has forced me to think about it.
I've mostly worked things out as far as keith is concerned but not david. I feel like i really shouldn't like david after what went on between us but the weird thing is that i do still like him. Its like i can't really be mad at him. I guess I'm holding onto this idea that maybe we'll end up getting back together...but at the same time I don't really think that would be a good idea cause even if i could trust him again, we'd still have the same problems as before. He's in Florida and i'm in NC...plus i'm a really touchy feely kinda person and i'm really open and will talk about anything, even really personal stuff....and david just isn't like that at all. Its frustrating cause it makes physical contact awkward and i have to always worry about what i'm saying in case i go too far and make him uncomfortable...or else just not get any response at all. But we used to have so much fun hanging out together and i miss that...i think we should have never crossed that line between friends. Cause in a way i always thought of him as the kind of guy i could never have...cause i just never had enough self esteem to think i deserved someone smart and in college and fun to hang out with who wants basically the same things in life that i do and can actually stay out of trouble and not cheat. I guess i still don't think i can have a guy like that but now that i had a shot at it i keep thinking about it and i want another try. My mom keeps telling me David is the kind of guy i should be with and that with the other guys i go out with i'm just settling and can do better. That is true in some cases but not always. My mom doesn't get to know anyone before she judges them whereas i give everyone a chance and always believe in a person's potential and not just their current situation.
Ok, well now that i've said some stuff about david i need to talk about marc. I really like him and he's a really nice guy. He's really sweet and he treats me right and i feel like we can really relate to each other and we have chemistry. So then whats my problem right? He's not in school but that doesn't really bother me cause a lot of people i'm close with are in a similar situation. I guess what really bugs me is the smoking/drugs. Its like i can never see him when he's not under the effect of at least one substance. I don't have any problem with occasional drinking and smoking but when it becomes a chronic thing then its a problem. I know too many stories about how that never works out...guys on drugs are not the kind of reliable, responsible people you can have a serious relationship with...and so i'm afraid to get too attached to marc cause i don't know if things can really go anywhere, if we could really have a future together. I know i'm too young to get all serious and worry about settling down but i still don't like to put a big emotional investment into something i know can't last long. But to some extent its too late cause i do care about marc, and i know he has potential. I think he just needs to believe in himself and we can work through everything else together. Damn, if i could do it then he sure can, lol.
So anyways i've got this conflict over what to do. On the one hand there's stabilty and safety and what my mom is pushing me towards, and on the other hand there's passion and someone i can understand and relate to. They are pretty much opposites. So do I choose one side now or should i back off and keep waiting for the middle ground...waiting just like everyone has been telling me to do my whole life... And since i'm quite sure there's no way i'll be getting back together with david, how do i get closure and get him outta my mind?
Today I got to sign up for housing for next year. I got Rm 245 in Morrison South which is one of the best rooms i could have gotten on south campus so I'm pretty happy about that. Its still far away from classes and stuff but I might keep it anyways cause its a really good room and i'll have AC. It looks like me and Nikki will be rooming together next year and I think that'll be good. We had some issues freshman year but i think we've got that straightened out now. Anyways, since I was up early for the housing thing i decided to actually go to my 9am meteorology class...for the 2nd time in a row...haha. I was all proud of myself for actually starting to go to class again...but i did end up sleeping through half the class so its not such a big accomplishment. But it was worth going cause i ran into harris while walking back from class. I hadn't seen him in a long time so we talked for like a half hour. I've mostly been wasting time since my last class got out at 1. Been on the computer, talking on IM, talking on the phone...sleeping. I've been so tired lately i don't know whats wrong with me. And i've had this annoying headache on and off for 5 days but its gone for now at least.
Ok, i've been talking too much about the details of what i've been doing and not about what i'm actually thinking or feeling so i'm gonna say some stuff about that now. I have been having a really hard time concentrating on school work lately...i'm worried about this 10 page english paper i have to write cause i hate papers and i don't even have a topic yet. And that weighing on my mind makes it harder for me to do any other work. But its not just that...I am obsessed with gymnastics and i day dream about doing gymnastics all the time during class and when i'm trying to do hw. And when i'm not thinking about either of those things, i'm obsessing over guys. I really need to sort out some of my feelings on that subject. I don't know whats wrong with me lately...i guess my mom has dragged up a lot of things i hadn't thought about in a long time and i thought i had dealt with. I wish she had just let things go but since she has to bring up keith and david every chance she gets it has forced me to think about it.
I've mostly worked things out as far as keith is concerned but not david. I feel like i really shouldn't like david after what went on between us but the weird thing is that i do still like him. Its like i can't really be mad at him. I guess I'm holding onto this idea that maybe we'll end up getting back together...but at the same time I don't really think that would be a good idea cause even if i could trust him again, we'd still have the same problems as before. He's in Florida and i'm in NC...plus i'm a really touchy feely kinda person and i'm really open and will talk about anything, even really personal stuff....and david just isn't like that at all. Its frustrating cause it makes physical contact awkward and i have to always worry about what i'm saying in case i go too far and make him uncomfortable...or else just not get any response at all. But we used to have so much fun hanging out together and i miss that...i think we should have never crossed that line between friends. Cause in a way i always thought of him as the kind of guy i could never have...cause i just never had enough self esteem to think i deserved someone smart and in college and fun to hang out with who wants basically the same things in life that i do and can actually stay out of trouble and not cheat. I guess i still don't think i can have a guy like that but now that i had a shot at it i keep thinking about it and i want another try. My mom keeps telling me David is the kind of guy i should be with and that with the other guys i go out with i'm just settling and can do better. That is true in some cases but not always. My mom doesn't get to know anyone before she judges them whereas i give everyone a chance and always believe in a person's potential and not just their current situation.
Ok, well now that i've said some stuff about david i need to talk about marc. I really like him and he's a really nice guy. He's really sweet and he treats me right and i feel like we can really relate to each other and we have chemistry. So then whats my problem right? He's not in school but that doesn't really bother me cause a lot of people i'm close with are in a similar situation. I guess what really bugs me is the smoking/drugs. Its like i can never see him when he's not under the effect of at least one substance. I don't have any problem with occasional drinking and smoking but when it becomes a chronic thing then its a problem. I know too many stories about how that never works out...guys on drugs are not the kind of reliable, responsible people you can have a serious relationship with...and so i'm afraid to get too attached to marc cause i don't know if things can really go anywhere, if we could really have a future together. I know i'm too young to get all serious and worry about settling down but i still don't like to put a big emotional investment into something i know can't last long. But to some extent its too late cause i do care about marc, and i know he has potential. I think he just needs to believe in himself and we can work through everything else together. Damn, if i could do it then he sure can, lol.
So anyways i've got this conflict over what to do. On the one hand there's stabilty and safety and what my mom is pushing me towards, and on the other hand there's passion and someone i can understand and relate to. They are pretty much opposites. So do I choose one side now or should i back off and keep waiting for the middle ground...waiting just like everyone has been telling me to do my whole life... And since i'm quite sure there's no way i'll be getting back together with david, how do i get closure and get him outta my mind?