nothing to do but think...

[flutegirl526]

Alright, so it's Thursday now and Spring Break is almost over. The last few days have kinda went by in a blur. I've wasted way too much time sleeping but not near as much as Will...he's still sleeping now and hasn't gotten up all day. But he's sick and needs rest. The bad part about that though is that I've had too much time to sit around and think. It's never good when I think too much cause then I get depressed. Hmm, first I want to recap what I've been doing here these last couple days and then I'll go off on what I've been thinking about. Ok, so Tuesday we laid around in bed till like 5 and then we went out with Crystal to this Thai food place called the King and I. It was really good except for the bitchy waitress who told us how much we had to tip her. Lol...we got a good laugh outta that though. Then we went to see Passion of the Christ which was pretty depressing. It made me think about some things though...like it made me feel really bad for all my sins...like in a way I'm partially resonsible for Jesus' suffering and it made me want to be a better person or something like that. Also there were 2 scenes that stuck out for me in that movie. The first one was when Pontius Pilate asks his wife, Quid est veritas? (What is truth) and she tells him that she cannot explain the truth to him...that he must know it when he hears it or else not know it at all cause no one can teach it to him. So now I find myself wondering about this...a lot of times people have tried to tell me things and I never listened because I couldn't see the truth...and I've tried to tell people things that they couldn't see either. It makes me wonder now how much else in my life I'm wrong about. It seems I always have to learn everything the hard way. Ok, enough about that. The other scene I want to mention is where Jesus says to love your enemies and not just those who love you, for what is the reward in that? Well, I guess if I only loved those who loved me then I wouldn't love a lot of people, lol. I guess what that means to me is that you can't just you can't just do something because you are expecting something in return, what is really rewarding is when you do something or love somebody without having to get anything in return...is totally unselfish. That is really hard because people have the tendency to be selfish and to only do things if it benefits them in some way. I have always tried to love people no matter what they do to me, i've always looked for the good in people and overlooked their mistakes and flaws because they are human and because I am human and make mistakes too. But it is getting hard because it seems the only thing that comes out of that is that i get taken advantage of. I hope that changes though because I don't want to lose my faith in people because then life really will be depressing.

Alright that was a huge tangent. If anyone is still reading at this point I'm gonna get back to my Spring Break narrative. After the movie it was more hanging out...then more sleeping half the day away...then more hanging out with will's friends. Last night we hung out with a group of guys at their rooms and I met this really cute guy named Russell who looks like someone else I know but I can't think of who. Anyways, they had a jam session in their room and smoked but I sat by myself out in the hall and talked on the phone with marc. I'm really starting to miss everyone at home and I'm anxious to get back. Will's friends are cool but I don't really know them and I want to see my friends. We are supposed to go to Toronto tomorrow night but we'll see what happens. Today we haven't done anything at all and so I'm back to having nothing to do but think.

I guess all the thinking started the other night when David called. I was totally not expecting to hear from him and it caught me off guard. He sounded genuinely concerned about me but then I thought...thats just how he sounded before and then all of a sudden he just stopped talking to me for over a month without so much as an explanation for his actions. It seems like to him I'm just a last resort, something to do when he's bored and has nothing else going on. It seems like thats what I am for a lot of people, a last resort. As soon as something better comes along I get kicked to the curb. And I'm sick of it, I don't want to be anyone's last resort. Will was saying something about this awhile ago and I totally understand what he was saying, I want to be someone's first resort ya know. When I care about people I think about them a lot, I want to talk to them and see them and I can't just toss them aside at will. I can't turn my feelings off so easily and it hurts to think that the people I care about don't feel the same way about me. I want someone to be thinking about me the way I think about them. I want to matter to people. I just don't know how to make that happen. But I'm tired of feeling like such a pathetic fool wasting my time obessing over people who could care a less if they see me or not. Yeah, so I've talked to David a few times and its just like it was before and its upsetting because I don't want to make the same mistakes I made before by believing he really cares and getting hurt again. But then that makes me think how many other people are just like David...acting like they care for awhile and then all of a sudden they will ditch me too? Who can I trust and how can I tell who is sincere and who is just playing me for a fool? The truth is that I can't tell and that I don't know if I can trust anyone. I want to trust people...but I'm afraid of getting hurt...i don't know how much more of it i can take. It's like I'm not good enough for anyone to really love, I don't think I'm asking for much but I feel like I'll never get it anyways so maybe I should just stop trying. Damn, I'm just feeling so worthless and miserable right now and I don't even know if anyone is even gonna read this but someone please respond and let me know what you think, or what you think i should do or something. Just someone say something please.