haven't used this thing in a while.
seeing as nothing else is helping me get some sleep (sleeping pills, xanax, teas and even alcohol). i figured this might help me...maybe by getting my emotions out? it'll have to do until i can pick up a canvas or join the ceramic guild so i can cope. i know, silly huh? if you were here you would probably laugh at me.
well it's been almost 3 weeks since you passed away. every day i feel like i can make it through, then next day is ten times worse. when i'm at work i can block all of this out. so, this makes weekends a really hard time for me. i still can't believe you are gone, i feel that i will still see you at thanksgiving or christmas....but i wont and maybe that's when it will hit me the worst. i'm just hoping i will be able to cope with it.
i had a dream about you last night. i dreamt that we were hanging out listening to music and then the next scene we were having a memorial for you. i woke up crying and i couldnt stop for about an hour. i love seeing you in my dreams but it hurts so much. you were my big brother and you were supposed to be here until we were old. i'm supposed to spend another 50 years with you but now i will never get to see you again.
all these regrets and emotions are killing me. why didnt i call you more often? after we heard aarons brother died, why didnt i call to tell you how much i loved you? why didnt i go to fucking south dakota of all places to see you, my big brother. why didnt i go to that show with you? we lived in the same city for a year and i hardly hung out with you...we were both to busy with our own jobs and life. i have to keep telling myself that and i can't beat myself up. i just wish i could have seen you one last time...that following wednesday you were supposed to be here. i had my weekend planned, i was going to go down to wichita to see you. 1 more week and i could have seen you.
you were always there to protect me, protect mom and salina. all the fucking bullshit we went through to make it in this world and now you're gone. i hurt so bad. no one will ever understand how much i miss you. i loved you so much.
well it's been almost 3 weeks since you passed away. every day i feel like i can make it through, then next day is ten times worse. when i'm at work i can block all of this out. so, this makes weekends a really hard time for me. i still can't believe you are gone, i feel that i will still see you at thanksgiving or christmas....but i wont and maybe that's when it will hit me the worst. i'm just hoping i will be able to cope with it.
i had a dream about you last night. i dreamt that we were hanging out listening to music and then the next scene we were having a memorial for you. i woke up crying and i couldnt stop for about an hour. i love seeing you in my dreams but it hurts so much. you were my big brother and you were supposed to be here until we were old. i'm supposed to spend another 50 years with you but now i will never get to see you again.
all these regrets and emotions are killing me. why didnt i call you more often? after we heard aarons brother died, why didnt i call to tell you how much i loved you? why didnt i go to fucking south dakota of all places to see you, my big brother. why didnt i go to that show with you? we lived in the same city for a year and i hardly hung out with you...we were both to busy with our own jobs and life. i have to keep telling myself that and i can't beat myself up. i just wish i could have seen you one last time...that following wednesday you were supposed to be here. i had my weekend planned, i was going to go down to wichita to see you. 1 more week and i could have seen you.
you were always there to protect me, protect mom and salina. all the fucking bullshit we went through to make it in this world and now you're gone. i hurt so bad. no one will ever understand how much i miss you. i loved you so much.