My life at the moment
So... it is summer and I am working full time now at Taconic Biotechnology and, well, it's ok. Just ok. The work itself is fine, I pretty much do the same thing everyday- PCR, run on gel, purification, run on gel, get the DNA concentrations, do some dilutions, and boom the gene is ready for sequencing. So the day is long, (9-5 plus the commute to Rensselaer) and the days go by slowly but it's work that I can handle. It's all the other crap that sucks. For one thing, I work primarily alone, my supervisor is never there and even when he is, he is unapproachable and doesn't communicate well with me. He doesn't answer my questions very well and leaves me more confused than before. Even something really simple like clocking into our computerized timecard thinger. I am having some issues. I think I might be retarded. First, I was confused about whether I should stay until 5 or 5:30 when I come in at 9- we have an unpaid lunch plus 2 paid 15 minute breaks... so I decided that instead of taking an hour for lunch I would take a half hour and not take breaks and leave at 5. Make sense? So I should get paid for 8 hours like that. And my supervisor approves. So that's what I do... but then he tells me to clock out for lunch, so I don't get paid for it!?!? Then someone tells me that to get it paid you just clock out to lunch but not back in... so I did that but then it tells me that I never came back from lunch so I only worked like 3.5 hours today when I really should be getting paid for 8.5 hours. So now I have to talk to my supervisor and possibly human resources and I made a mess because I'm retarded and don't know how to use this program, and no one I talk to seems to know what they are talking about either. Then I got my first paycheck today, which was exciting except they took out 97439287349 dollars in taxes. But the government steals all of our money so I shouldn't have been really surprised about that- it is just appaling though. So on top of all this technical stuff the job is causing some side effects in me that aren't so appealing, such as depression. I work all day pretty much by myself, I eat lunch by myself (since there are only like 3 people in my department including me and they are old and we all take different lunches). I don't know many people in the other departments because I don't have much interaction with them. And if you've gotten to know me in any kind of sober setting within the past 10 years you will know that I am a very shy person until I've reached my comfort zone with you (which can take a while if you're a stiff). So, I dont' really know anyone at work and don't really have the time or the motivation to get to know them. It's really isolating. It also doesn't help that I come home and usually spend the evening more or less by myself watching tv or the like, and then I go to sleep by myself and basically it's been really lonely lately. I know there are friends-some good friends- that I could call to hang out with, but I guess it's me not wanting to try. I want it all to come naturally, just like it did in high school, where you saw your best friends everyday, you could make plans and the lunch table, you didn't worry about work schedules so much, and everyone was always free after school. You just didn't have to try to have fun because it happened accidentally all the time. That doesn't happen anymore, I have to try to plan fun, and that doesn't work so well for me. In a way I know it's futile to hope for the way it was, something that is gone forever but I can't help being nostalgic. It's just the way that I've always been- in love with the past, apathetic about the present, and afraid of the future. It's really not a good way to live life but I can't help the way I feel about it. Sometimes I would rather sit around and feel sorry for myself then try to change. So all of this is contributing to this feeling of isolation that I've developed. Sara is in Albany all the time, I no longer have work friends that I see every day, Jackie is in Glenmont, Lauren was in the Dominican and now she's too busy for me(like she always has been anyway), Cait is in North Carolina, Jean is always working or in class, Jay and I have completely opposite work schedules so I can't see him until the weekends - everyone I was used to seeing every day is inaccessible. Me, myself, and I are hanging out waaaayy too much- and don't tell them but we don't get along very well. I feel like since all I do is go to work and come home and go to bed that my life is going by in a meaningless way- in fact I'm wishing it away by counting down the hours until the weekends. It makes everything seem so futile. Especially if I'm not reporting my hours correctly and I'm not getting paid for all the time I spend there! I feel bad because Kevin tries to help me out and he stops by my lab to talk alot but we kind of run out of things to say to eachother after a short period of time. It's weird to go from seeing a certain family member a handful of times a year to seeing them every day. It makes it kind of awkward, so it ends up not really helping the isolation thing. Man I am just really needy I think. I need it all- love, information, attention, access, freedoms, guidelines, fun, and a stress test would be nice. Basically as much as I complained about Carter's it was my perfect job (well, I could have been paid some more) and I miss it more than I ever thought I would. Hanging out with Ashley and Kath yesterday helped but that was a glimmer of light shining on my lonliness. It's nice to go out to breakfast with Jay too sometimes, but hard to tear myself away to go to work after spending less than an hour with him. Anyway I should go to bed now- I think I need to get into work early tomorrow and talk to human resources about my pay stuff. If you made it all the way through this entry, thanks for listening- I didn't realize that I had so much to say.