Limbo
Barb had a full hysterectomy and several other things scraped of cancer, and now gets to go through the pain of chemo. She's still in pain from the surgery. What a fucking mess.
Still no job and hoping I do have one come January, and that I do well with it.
After Lauren kind of blew me off, decided I'm sick of chasing women. They don't take the bait, fuck 'em. And Noel helpfully wouldn't get out of her pjs to come over, so while I'll remain her friend, I won't run too hard to help if it's inconvenient. Save my energy for someone who reciprocates. Redoing my OKCupid profile bc realistically it's hard to meet people in real life these days, but redesigned it to give less of a fuck.
Surgery soon? I need to get on it. Psych appt on Thursday (I think. October 8). Doing what I can despite depression and a feeling of being lost. Started to have drive and then I find out about Barb. Wrote a poem inspired by a minor emotional breakdown with Neil:
Seatbelt like a noose
And I could drive all night,
Take us through the tunnels of the old turnpike roads
Flying way faster than any speed law would allow
But this is their highway run
And they make the tolls
And I'm in the passenger seat now.
I've no right to complain
It hugs me like a cattle chute
And all the comfort flies in every direction
Like headlights
And I'd love to separate them
Maybe follow one down dusty roads
Til five rights later I've been shaken off and lost and have to use my wits
To find my way back.
But this is their highway run
And those bastards set the tolls
And I'm in the fucking passenger seat now.
In my heaven there are all green lights
No speed laws; not a cop in sight
And every road's a rolling mountain vista.
Every other car's behind me
And the trees are soft and downy
And the hand in mine tightens over steep falls and their catch.
The music rends our heartstrings
The bass defines our heartbeats
And the wind won't do a damned thing to impede on this at all.
But this is their highway run
And their construction zone
And I'm stuck here in the passenger seat now.
And I'm not too sure who's driving
The speed bumps have me shaking
And I'm bolt upright in the passenger seat now.
Peace out, I hope.
Still no job and hoping I do have one come January, and that I do well with it.
After Lauren kind of blew me off, decided I'm sick of chasing women. They don't take the bait, fuck 'em. And Noel helpfully wouldn't get out of her pjs to come over, so while I'll remain her friend, I won't run too hard to help if it's inconvenient. Save my energy for someone who reciprocates. Redoing my OKCupid profile bc realistically it's hard to meet people in real life these days, but redesigned it to give less of a fuck.
Surgery soon? I need to get on it. Psych appt on Thursday (I think. October 8). Doing what I can despite depression and a feeling of being lost. Started to have drive and then I find out about Barb. Wrote a poem inspired by a minor emotional breakdown with Neil:
Seatbelt like a noose
And I could drive all night,
Take us through the tunnels of the old turnpike roads
Flying way faster than any speed law would allow
But this is their highway run
And they make the tolls
And I'm in the passenger seat now.
I've no right to complain
It hugs me like a cattle chute
And all the comfort flies in every direction
Like headlights
And I'd love to separate them
Maybe follow one down dusty roads
Til five rights later I've been shaken off and lost and have to use my wits
To find my way back.
But this is their highway run
And those bastards set the tolls
And I'm in the fucking passenger seat now.
In my heaven there are all green lights
No speed laws; not a cop in sight
And every road's a rolling mountain vista.
Every other car's behind me
And the trees are soft and downy
And the hand in mine tightens over steep falls and their catch.
The music rends our heartstrings
The bass defines our heartbeats
And the wind won't do a damned thing to impede on this at all.
But this is their highway run
And their construction zone
And I'm stuck here in the passenger seat now.
And I'm not too sure who's driving
The speed bumps have me shaking
And I'm bolt upright in the passenger seat now.
Peace out, I hope.