Rock bottom
I think it's time that I come to terms with where I am, even if it means that I have to have it in writing as I dictate it out loud where I have to hear it from my own mouth.
I have literally hit rock bottom. If there is anything lower than this, it does probably involve a box on a sewer in the middle of a city, or maybe it's death itself. A painful death, which many deaths might be, hence my total fear of even contemplating suicide.
I don't have a job next fall. Village did not take me back, which I thought would be a blessing because it was a wreck. Of course, I did feel sad as I said goodbye to my children today, which is odd because they were particularly horrid bunch. Mullen, where I had set my heart and poured in my energy, turned me down at a point where I thought I had it for sure.
I am over 350 pounds.
I have few friends left. A drunk I can't stop wanting. Something of Dean. A man who is in love with me, although I cannot reciprocate his feelings. I don't know if they of my past find it odd that I no longer seek them out. That I miss their social events, their weddings. Perhaps there's a divide that, since it has been breached, can never be repaired. Or they are just busy with their own lives, which seem rather... Pleasant. Full of love. Liveable.
Perhaps I can't bear to watch.
I have never been single this long. As with my rather entitled and self-centered crop of children this year, for whom I still felt an ache to see them go, I will ne sad for Lis to move out and to be alone for the first time. And although I cannot forgive her, I still dream of Hannah. It's not them. It's the nostalgia. It's the loneliness.
Depression. Poverty. Loneliness. Fear. Confusion. Morbid obesity. Unattractiveness. Lack of direction. Lack of prospects. Lack of connection. It seems the only thing left in this Pandora's box that even makes life the slightest bit worth living is hope. Of course, I personally live for love, and this is one time that I lack it as I never have before.
I sincerely hope this is bottom, and someone somewhere will introduce the storm that will flood me and float me out.
I can only hope.
I have literally hit rock bottom. If there is anything lower than this, it does probably involve a box on a sewer in the middle of a city, or maybe it's death itself. A painful death, which many deaths might be, hence my total fear of even contemplating suicide.
I don't have a job next fall. Village did not take me back, which I thought would be a blessing because it was a wreck. Of course, I did feel sad as I said goodbye to my children today, which is odd because they were particularly horrid bunch. Mullen, where I had set my heart and poured in my energy, turned me down at a point where I thought I had it for sure.
I am over 350 pounds.
I have few friends left. A drunk I can't stop wanting. Something of Dean. A man who is in love with me, although I cannot reciprocate his feelings. I don't know if they of my past find it odd that I no longer seek them out. That I miss their social events, their weddings. Perhaps there's a divide that, since it has been breached, can never be repaired. Or they are just busy with their own lives, which seem rather... Pleasant. Full of love. Liveable.
Perhaps I can't bear to watch.
I have never been single this long. As with my rather entitled and self-centered crop of children this year, for whom I still felt an ache to see them go, I will ne sad for Lis to move out and to be alone for the first time. And although I cannot forgive her, I still dream of Hannah. It's not them. It's the nostalgia. It's the loneliness.
Depression. Poverty. Loneliness. Fear. Confusion. Morbid obesity. Unattractiveness. Lack of direction. Lack of prospects. Lack of connection. It seems the only thing left in this Pandora's box that even makes life the slightest bit worth living is hope. Of course, I personally live for love, and this is one time that I lack it as I never have before.
I sincerely hope this is bottom, and someone somewhere will introduce the storm that will flood me and float me out.
I can only hope.