fic: here is the repeated image of the lover destroyed (gossip girl, jenny humphrey)
untitled | gossip girl | jenny humphrey/carter baizen, jenny humprey/OFC, jenny humphrey/OMC | 2.8k words | nc-17 (just to be ~sure), for kwritten who is a magnicifent dragon, who prompted: i want more girl byronic figures, i want more reckless self-important girl libertines leaving a string of broken men in their wake while dashing off poems and getting into obscene wagers. i want girl characters that are just on the charming mercurial side of unlikeable arseholes and definitely morally questionable but always game for a revolution
(Good luck.)
There's many things to do on this earth and many ways to accomplish them.
Some write, some aim their guns, some raise children into what they desire on this earth.
And Jenny, Little Jenny leaves a string of people across earth, sprawled in king sized beds in hotel rooms or sitting on chairs they imagine as their thrones, the sound of their panting and the scent of their desire still reverberating like a precious secret that belongs only to her. Jenny doesn't look back when she leaves them and Jenny doesn't waste any more smiles on them than they deserve.
She's young when she gets exiled out of Manhattan and this is not something she'd like to think about much, so she doesn't.
She takes the first plane to London with her own money and checks who might be here in London on Gossip Girl. Someone might be here that might be able to help her - or something along those lines. She's not really sure what she needs help with anyway. Maybe she wants revenge, maybe she wants Chuck and maybe she actually just wanted Blair all along, to have her or be her anyway, or maybe it's always been about Manhattan and wearing a crown. But Manhattan only has place for one queen and she was never meant to be a mere princess. There should be room somewhere for one more queen on earth.
And Jenny Humphrey wants to be queen one day, sure.
But she wants to have fun first.
She writes something like this in neat cursive in her notebook on the plane, and smiles widely at the skinny brunette sitting next to her on the window seat. Jenny asks if she can look through the window, she likes the view, and the girl says Yeah, sure and Jenny leans over and places her right hand on the girl's thigh. The girl's breathing gets a bit more shallow, and Jenny knows already that this is a victory. She replaces her right hand with her left one after she scoots back to her seat and the girl's breathing returns to normal eventually but she scoots closer to Jenny, which is a mistake, Jenny knows, poor girl, and means to whisper something about spider webs and prey, but she stops herself. Jenny leans over again, her lips to the girl's neck this time, asks What's your name? and the girl says Mia. Mia, Jenny whispers back, fingers on the girl's thigh moving delicately, do you wanna have some fun? she asks and abruptly lifts her right hand away from the girl's thigh and she motions with her right hand for Mia to follow. Mia's not wearing heels and she's almost as tall as Jenny anyway, and she's wearing a skirt, which is very convenient, Jenny thinks a minute later when her fingers are making their way up the said skirt in the tiny airplane toilet. Nice to meet you, Mia, she says as she pushes Mia's panties aside and Mia presses her mouth against Jenny's, and Jenny knows it's so no one can hear her moan. Jenny leaves lipstick on Mia's neck and lips but there's no trace of Mia on her, and that's important, because that's a victory too. Wait a minute or two, and then come back to your seat, Jenny says to a Mia trying to catch her breath and eyeing her lipstick stained reflection in the mirror. I like you, Mia, she adds for good measure and kisses Mia once more, longer this time and perhaps even a bit gentle.
(She accounts this success to luck later in her mind and even later in her notebook, because neither girls nor boys are usually seduced as easily as Mia was, and Jenny learns to be better with time, more like poison and less like a gun.)
Her phone beeps almost immediately when she lands and it's Gossip Girl, Carter Baizen's in London, and that's maybe the best news Gossip Girl could have given her. But Carter can wait, she knows, because she's just entered the lobby of this hotel and there's a man sitting there who looks like a boy, looking into his glass of Scotch and he looks like a broken toy that she could fix and play with.
Hello, cowboy, she says and he has to blink, maybe to make sure she's real and she doesn't blame him, sometimes she has to blink to make herself believe she's real, too. But she offers him her best smile and he takes the bait easily. He asks her how old she is but she says Old enough and that's the last anyone mentions her age.
He says his name is Michael, and he's a business man of some kind or other, but she forgets what he tells her exactly. His hair is black and he has a pair of round glasses and nice hands that can't stand still. His accent is like old books and good coffee and she kisses him first.
He's gentle with her, maybe more gentle than she'd like to think she wants, and he asks her permission for everything and she is so happy tonight to have this boy of hers, to remind her there's still people out there that ask and give and don't just take away.
I want to have some fun, she says the next morning. He's fixing his tie in front of the mirror, back turned away from her and she's still in bed, sheets covering her, but they both know she's naked underneath, and it's that thought that counts, she knows.
Show me how you have fun, she asks and stands up on the bed, and pretends to pout when he doesn't say anything and she walks to the edge of the bed, to him and lowers herself to him a bit, sheets left forgotten on the bed behind her.
He tells her to wear her best dress and to meet him at ten tonight in the hotel lobby. She leaves him to go get some clothes and she finds something that'll suit the occasion, it's an almost inappropriately short black backless dress and when she meets him at ten fifteen, he tells her she's beautiful and she kisses his cheek.
Michael gets them a cab and leads them into what turns out to be an illegal casino. It's full of light and booze and elegantly dressed people, probably criminals of some kinds. People are laughing mostly, other than the people at the poker table, who seem mostly quiet and serious. But there's laughter and life and a band and a red haired waitress who smiles at her sincerely and she thinks she could be queen here, for a while at least. And because her luck's good or her luck's awful, Carter Baizen's here, suit and tie and a definite spark in his eyes when he sees her, and This'll be fun she thinks.
Come on, you definitely need a good luck charm here, she says to Michael and attaches her arm to his and giggles loudly into his shoulder and lets him lead her to the poker table. She stands next to him and insists on not playing for a while and excuses herself to go to the ladies room during a break between games.
She can hear the music and can imagine she can hear the people dance to the music and she's dancing herself, alone in front of the mirror, nothing spectacular, just hips to the left, hips to the right, and that's how Carter finds her, his bow tie loose and a curl to his lips. You look like sin, Jenny Humphrey, he says, slurring a bit, and he's being terribly melodramatic and for once, she's into it. She doesn't turn around to face him. Not your sin, Carter, she says, goes for sounding bored and mildly annoyed, but she's not sure she succeeds because he's still standing there and looking at her, saying nothing. But you could be mine she says and walks out and leaves him alone. She goes back to the table and drapes her arms around Michael's shoulders with more intent than ever and kisses his neck not discreetly at all. Carter walks to the table a minute later and seats himself across from Michael and he's looking at her while she's looking at him while she's kissing Michael's neck and he folds that first round and doesn't look pleased about it and she thinks of his face when she comes on top of Michael that night.
They send her money, well, dad does, and it's Lily's money, at least parts of it, but it's useful to her so she doesn't ask much about where it came from. She rents a tiny apartment because she's not comfortable with staying with Michael all the time. She still carries her notebook everywhere with her and sometimes sits on a bench in what seems to her like the only park in this city. She writes in it, thoughts and snippets and writes Michael a hero one day and a villain the next one and makes Carter a lover, always. She cries sometimes in her room and doesn't tell anyone. She never leaves her apartment without her makeup or her smile. She stops carrying her notebook everywhere. She always comes to the casino in the evening, and Carter is always there, like an itch, like a habit.
Carter follows her into the ladies room or into most other secluded corners he can find, all to have a moment or two with her, a moment out of everyone else's earshot. Nothing public's happened yet, they're short and polite and nothing inconspicuous when there's people around and when Michael's around, and the secrecy is part of why this is fun, and why she likes this. And she definitely likes this, likes him, even if she's not sure she should be making anything a habit, and least of all Carter Baizen, but she lets it all happen anyway. She knows they're going to fuck soon, but this is a game until then, and it's fun and no one's winning for now, and what's important, she's not lost yet. Get bored of your boy yet? he asks and she should tell him that there's too much sincerity and not enough game in his voice and that he should practice this some more, but she doesn't tell him that, because this is a game, and she says You think you're more fun than him? and it's a dare, it's obviously a dare, but this is Carter Baizen, and he's been playing this game longer than she has, even when she forgets that, and he smiles and says, Doesn't matter, beautiful. You do, and she wants to bite his lips then and press her fingernails into his back, but she steadies herself and only smiles and fixes her lipstick while he's watching and makes sure to brush her breasts against him when she's walking past him on her way out the ladies room.
Later, Carter.
Later, beautiful.
The game turns public after that, because the stakes have to go higher otherwise there's no point to it, is there? She and Michael are sitting at a table, and she's taking a sip of her wine and he's just put a cigarette into his mouth, and Jenny stretches out her arm towards him and takes his cigarette away before he can light it and means to light it for herself but then there's a hand with a lighter coming up from behind her, May I? someone says and it's Carter. Thanks, she says and he lights her cigarette and nods politely and walks away and as he does, his fingers graze her shoulder and when they abandon their previous spot on her shoulder, she feels colder.
At the end of the evening, Michael says, Come on, let's go home and he takes them back to his place and carries her to his bed and there's tears in her eyes when she comes. He notices this and kisses her tears away and she doesn't tell him anything, just sits and cries, and he holds her the whole time, and she's not sure if she loves him or hates him for it. I don't have a home anymore, she whispers, but only after he's closed his eyes and his breathing's evened out. Only after she's sure he can't hear.
He tells her in the morning that he'll be gone for a few days and he's caressing her shoulders while he tells her, and she's sure she hates him then, because he's acting like she's weak, and she's not, she's not. She kisses him goodbye and thinks of the casino and smiles. She never needed Michael, not really. She just needs a kingdom.
She knows Carter usually comes around 9, and she intentionally comes after him, there's a message for him somewhere in her late arrival. He's wearing a black suit and white shirt tonight, and he's so beautiful she wants to kiss him immediately, so of course she stays away from him. She dances with everyone there, red haired waitress included, and she giggles and smiles and he sits and he watches, and he doesn't come follow her to the ladies room tonight.
But later, around 3, when she's saying goodbye to everyone, he makes sure to leave while she's saying goodbye and she's not sure she understands what's going on, because him leaving and nothing happening, this is not what she thought would happen. But when she finally steps out onto the cold concrete of a London night, he's leaning against the brick wall of the building and he's staring at the cigarette in his hand like it's a miracle of some kind and she wants him to look at her like that. She comes to stand next to him, her back to the same wall and arms and shoulders touching. He offers her the cigarette, without saying anything, without even looking at her, and she takes it. They smoke it and he asks You cold?, hopefully because of her sleeveless red blouse, and not because she's shaking. But she says Yes anyway and he gives her his jacket. She looks into his eyes while he's looking at her while she puts on the jacket. The color of it matches the color of her pants and she stops shaking then, finally. She takes her hand into hers and whispers Thank you into his hands and kisses his knuckles. He stands still for a while as she does it, but then when she's about to let his hands go, he entwines their fingers and exhales slowly, like it hurts to stand like this and look at her and he says
Alright. I'll be your sin if you need me to be.
They make it to the bed mostly, which isn't something Jenny counted on when she imagined this scene and wrote it all out in her mind. He insists on carrying her into his room, and she's alright with that, legs pressing into his hips as he carries her and his hand already on her breast below the red of her blouse. He laughs into her mouth, I'm drunker than you are, he says and it's of no consequence whatsoever. They're tangled up in sheets together later, he's sprawled across the bed, lazy, cat like and beautiful. They whisper nonsense into each other's ears and he doesn't take her eyes of hers and she thinks she might break if he stops or if he doesn't, she's not sure which.
He traces his fingers in circles along her shoulder and collarbone until he falls asleep.
In the morning, she's up first and she's sitting on her feet at the edge of the bed, wrapped in only the grey sheets. Her eyes are tracing the form of his body covered in the same sheets and she remembers with such abruptness that he's beautiful naked and she wants to look at him again and look at him always. She gives up on being covered and lets the sheets fall down from her like she's revealing a truth of some kind and she straddles him gently. He's still not stirred awake, and this seems like such a precious moment. She lowers her head and kisses his cheek then, such soft skin and his nose next, and when she's about to kiss his lips, she knows he's awake because his lips are reaching up to meet hers and he's smiling so wide she forgets she's supposed to be counting her victories.
(to be continued)
(Good luck.)
There's many things to do on this earth and many ways to accomplish them.
Some write, some aim their guns, some raise children into what they desire on this earth.
And Jenny, Little Jenny leaves a string of people across earth, sprawled in king sized beds in hotel rooms or sitting on chairs they imagine as their thrones, the sound of their panting and the scent of their desire still reverberating like a precious secret that belongs only to her. Jenny doesn't look back when she leaves them and Jenny doesn't waste any more smiles on them than they deserve.
She's young when she gets exiled out of Manhattan and this is not something she'd like to think about much, so she doesn't.
She takes the first plane to London with her own money and checks who might be here in London on Gossip Girl. Someone might be here that might be able to help her - or something along those lines. She's not really sure what she needs help with anyway. Maybe she wants revenge, maybe she wants Chuck and maybe she actually just wanted Blair all along, to have her or be her anyway, or maybe it's always been about Manhattan and wearing a crown. But Manhattan only has place for one queen and she was never meant to be a mere princess. There should be room somewhere for one more queen on earth.
And Jenny Humphrey wants to be queen one day, sure.
But she wants to have fun first.
She writes something like this in neat cursive in her notebook on the plane, and smiles widely at the skinny brunette sitting next to her on the window seat. Jenny asks if she can look through the window, she likes the view, and the girl says Yeah, sure and Jenny leans over and places her right hand on the girl's thigh. The girl's breathing gets a bit more shallow, and Jenny knows already that this is a victory. She replaces her right hand with her left one after she scoots back to her seat and the girl's breathing returns to normal eventually but she scoots closer to Jenny, which is a mistake, Jenny knows, poor girl, and means to whisper something about spider webs and prey, but she stops herself. Jenny leans over again, her lips to the girl's neck this time, asks What's your name? and the girl says Mia. Mia, Jenny whispers back, fingers on the girl's thigh moving delicately, do you wanna have some fun? she asks and abruptly lifts her right hand away from the girl's thigh and she motions with her right hand for Mia to follow. Mia's not wearing heels and she's almost as tall as Jenny anyway, and she's wearing a skirt, which is very convenient, Jenny thinks a minute later when her fingers are making their way up the said skirt in the tiny airplane toilet. Nice to meet you, Mia, she says as she pushes Mia's panties aside and Mia presses her mouth against Jenny's, and Jenny knows it's so no one can hear her moan. Jenny leaves lipstick on Mia's neck and lips but there's no trace of Mia on her, and that's important, because that's a victory too. Wait a minute or two, and then come back to your seat, Jenny says to a Mia trying to catch her breath and eyeing her lipstick stained reflection in the mirror. I like you, Mia, she adds for good measure and kisses Mia once more, longer this time and perhaps even a bit gentle.
(She accounts this success to luck later in her mind and even later in her notebook, because neither girls nor boys are usually seduced as easily as Mia was, and Jenny learns to be better with time, more like poison and less like a gun.)
Her phone beeps almost immediately when she lands and it's Gossip Girl, Carter Baizen's in London, and that's maybe the best news Gossip Girl could have given her. But Carter can wait, she knows, because she's just entered the lobby of this hotel and there's a man sitting there who looks like a boy, looking into his glass of Scotch and he looks like a broken toy that she could fix and play with.
Hello, cowboy, she says and he has to blink, maybe to make sure she's real and she doesn't blame him, sometimes she has to blink to make herself believe she's real, too. But she offers him her best smile and he takes the bait easily. He asks her how old she is but she says Old enough and that's the last anyone mentions her age.
He says his name is Michael, and he's a business man of some kind or other, but she forgets what he tells her exactly. His hair is black and he has a pair of round glasses and nice hands that can't stand still. His accent is like old books and good coffee and she kisses him first.
He's gentle with her, maybe more gentle than she'd like to think she wants, and he asks her permission for everything and she is so happy tonight to have this boy of hers, to remind her there's still people out there that ask and give and don't just take away.
I want to have some fun, she says the next morning. He's fixing his tie in front of the mirror, back turned away from her and she's still in bed, sheets covering her, but they both know she's naked underneath, and it's that thought that counts, she knows.
Show me how you have fun, she asks and stands up on the bed, and pretends to pout when he doesn't say anything and she walks to the edge of the bed, to him and lowers herself to him a bit, sheets left forgotten on the bed behind her.
He tells her to wear her best dress and to meet him at ten tonight in the hotel lobby. She leaves him to go get some clothes and she finds something that'll suit the occasion, it's an almost inappropriately short black backless dress and when she meets him at ten fifteen, he tells her she's beautiful and she kisses his cheek.
Michael gets them a cab and leads them into what turns out to be an illegal casino. It's full of light and booze and elegantly dressed people, probably criminals of some kinds. People are laughing mostly, other than the people at the poker table, who seem mostly quiet and serious. But there's laughter and life and a band and a red haired waitress who smiles at her sincerely and she thinks she could be queen here, for a while at least. And because her luck's good or her luck's awful, Carter Baizen's here, suit and tie and a definite spark in his eyes when he sees her, and This'll be fun she thinks.
Come on, you definitely need a good luck charm here, she says to Michael and attaches her arm to his and giggles loudly into his shoulder and lets him lead her to the poker table. She stands next to him and insists on not playing for a while and excuses herself to go to the ladies room during a break between games.
She can hear the music and can imagine she can hear the people dance to the music and she's dancing herself, alone in front of the mirror, nothing spectacular, just hips to the left, hips to the right, and that's how Carter finds her, his bow tie loose and a curl to his lips. You look like sin, Jenny Humphrey, he says, slurring a bit, and he's being terribly melodramatic and for once, she's into it. She doesn't turn around to face him. Not your sin, Carter, she says, goes for sounding bored and mildly annoyed, but she's not sure she succeeds because he's still standing there and looking at her, saying nothing. But you could be mine she says and walks out and leaves him alone. She goes back to the table and drapes her arms around Michael's shoulders with more intent than ever and kisses his neck not discreetly at all. Carter walks to the table a minute later and seats himself across from Michael and he's looking at her while she's looking at him while she's kissing Michael's neck and he folds that first round and doesn't look pleased about it and she thinks of his face when she comes on top of Michael that night.
They send her money, well, dad does, and it's Lily's money, at least parts of it, but it's useful to her so she doesn't ask much about where it came from. She rents a tiny apartment because she's not comfortable with staying with Michael all the time. She still carries her notebook everywhere with her and sometimes sits on a bench in what seems to her like the only park in this city. She writes in it, thoughts and snippets and writes Michael a hero one day and a villain the next one and makes Carter a lover, always. She cries sometimes in her room and doesn't tell anyone. She never leaves her apartment without her makeup or her smile. She stops carrying her notebook everywhere. She always comes to the casino in the evening, and Carter is always there, like an itch, like a habit.
Carter follows her into the ladies room or into most other secluded corners he can find, all to have a moment or two with her, a moment out of everyone else's earshot. Nothing public's happened yet, they're short and polite and nothing inconspicuous when there's people around and when Michael's around, and the secrecy is part of why this is fun, and why she likes this. And she definitely likes this, likes him, even if she's not sure she should be making anything a habit, and least of all Carter Baizen, but she lets it all happen anyway. She knows they're going to fuck soon, but this is a game until then, and it's fun and no one's winning for now, and what's important, she's not lost yet. Get bored of your boy yet? he asks and she should tell him that there's too much sincerity and not enough game in his voice and that he should practice this some more, but she doesn't tell him that, because this is a game, and she says You think you're more fun than him? and it's a dare, it's obviously a dare, but this is Carter Baizen, and he's been playing this game longer than she has, even when she forgets that, and he smiles and says, Doesn't matter, beautiful. You do, and she wants to bite his lips then and press her fingernails into his back, but she steadies herself and only smiles and fixes her lipstick while he's watching and makes sure to brush her breasts against him when she's walking past him on her way out the ladies room.
Later, Carter.
Later, beautiful.
The game turns public after that, because the stakes have to go higher otherwise there's no point to it, is there? She and Michael are sitting at a table, and she's taking a sip of her wine and he's just put a cigarette into his mouth, and Jenny stretches out her arm towards him and takes his cigarette away before he can light it and means to light it for herself but then there's a hand with a lighter coming up from behind her, May I? someone says and it's Carter. Thanks, she says and he lights her cigarette and nods politely and walks away and as he does, his fingers graze her shoulder and when they abandon their previous spot on her shoulder, she feels colder.
At the end of the evening, Michael says, Come on, let's go home and he takes them back to his place and carries her to his bed and there's tears in her eyes when she comes. He notices this and kisses her tears away and she doesn't tell him anything, just sits and cries, and he holds her the whole time, and she's not sure if she loves him or hates him for it. I don't have a home anymore, she whispers, but only after he's closed his eyes and his breathing's evened out. Only after she's sure he can't hear.
He tells her in the morning that he'll be gone for a few days and he's caressing her shoulders while he tells her, and she's sure she hates him then, because he's acting like she's weak, and she's not, she's not. She kisses him goodbye and thinks of the casino and smiles. She never needed Michael, not really. She just needs a kingdom.
She knows Carter usually comes around 9, and she intentionally comes after him, there's a message for him somewhere in her late arrival. He's wearing a black suit and white shirt tonight, and he's so beautiful she wants to kiss him immediately, so of course she stays away from him. She dances with everyone there, red haired waitress included, and she giggles and smiles and he sits and he watches, and he doesn't come follow her to the ladies room tonight.
But later, around 3, when she's saying goodbye to everyone, he makes sure to leave while she's saying goodbye and she's not sure she understands what's going on, because him leaving and nothing happening, this is not what she thought would happen. But when she finally steps out onto the cold concrete of a London night, he's leaning against the brick wall of the building and he's staring at the cigarette in his hand like it's a miracle of some kind and she wants him to look at her like that. She comes to stand next to him, her back to the same wall and arms and shoulders touching. He offers her the cigarette, without saying anything, without even looking at her, and she takes it. They smoke it and he asks You cold?, hopefully because of her sleeveless red blouse, and not because she's shaking. But she says Yes anyway and he gives her his jacket. She looks into his eyes while he's looking at her while she puts on the jacket. The color of it matches the color of her pants and she stops shaking then, finally. She takes her hand into hers and whispers Thank you into his hands and kisses his knuckles. He stands still for a while as she does it, but then when she's about to let his hands go, he entwines their fingers and exhales slowly, like it hurts to stand like this and look at her and he says
Alright. I'll be your sin if you need me to be.
They make it to the bed mostly, which isn't something Jenny counted on when she imagined this scene and wrote it all out in her mind. He insists on carrying her into his room, and she's alright with that, legs pressing into his hips as he carries her and his hand already on her breast below the red of her blouse. He laughs into her mouth, I'm drunker than you are, he says and it's of no consequence whatsoever. They're tangled up in sheets together later, he's sprawled across the bed, lazy, cat like and beautiful. They whisper nonsense into each other's ears and he doesn't take her eyes of hers and she thinks she might break if he stops or if he doesn't, she's not sure which.
He traces his fingers in circles along her shoulder and collarbone until he falls asleep.
In the morning, she's up first and she's sitting on her feet at the edge of the bed, wrapped in only the grey sheets. Her eyes are tracing the form of his body covered in the same sheets and she remembers with such abruptness that he's beautiful naked and she wants to look at him again and look at him always. She gives up on being covered and lets the sheets fall down from her like she's revealing a truth of some kind and she straddles him gently. He's still not stirred awake, and this seems like such a precious moment. She lowers her head and kisses his cheek then, such soft skin and his nose next, and when she's about to kiss his lips, she knows he's awake because his lips are reaching up to meet hers and he's smiling so wide she forgets she's supposed to be counting her victories.
(to be continued)