All's Fair [Oneshot]
Title: All's Fair
Originally Published: Jan. 10, 2009
Pairing: NEWS/Shige, Arashi!ninja/Shige
Genre: Crack/humour.
Rating: PG-13
Words: 1,413
Summary: From the anonymeme: Who I want: NEWS How I want it: Fighting on who gets to kiss Shige under the mistletoe.
Disclaimer: These events are not true (or so they would like us to believe).
Warnings: My first (and only >.>) crack!fic. Also, surprise Arashi at the end.
A/N: Dammit, my genre-dabbling keeps leaving me with all these extra tags. :| Original is here.
"Dibs!"
"The hell do you mean, 'dibs?' You can't just call that!"
"Sure I can! You could have too, Ryo-tan, I just happened to do it first. That's how 'dibs' works!"
"Fuck you and your dibs, that's not even Japanese!"
"Come on you two, this is silly. Are you really fighting about this?"
"Che, you just want him for yourself. Why don't you give someone else a chance sometime?"
"It's not--I don't know what--he's my best friend!"
"You've SLEPT with him."
"J--! J-just in the same bed! That was out of necessity, and we had pillows in between us the whole--"
"You still haven't denied wanting him for yourself."
"Oi. We shouldn't be fighting, Ryo-chan."
"Why are you singling me out?! I'm not fighting with myself here!"
"But you are fighting the most, naa~."
"Tch. It's not my fault I'm the only one here who can make valid arguments."
"Anyway... we shouldn't jeopardize our relationship over something like this."
"Yes! It's bad member-ai! And surely Shige wouldn't want us to be fighting over--er, because of him."
"Hmph."
"Kei-chan is so kind, putting the group above his own personal interests!"
"Um. Yeah..."
"Right, right? Yes, as leader of this group I don't want any more of this fighting. And since I am leader of this group, it's only right that I be the one to take responsibility and end this fight myself."
"..."
"..."
"...hehe."
"What?"
"PI! YOU BASTARD, YOU JUST SAID ALL THAT CRAP TO GET HIM YOURSELF!"
"Tomo-chan is so funny."
"Oi... you can only call me that one more time, then that's it."
"You morons are giving me a migraine."
"Um... you know..."
"...? What?"
"Just a thought..."
"...? Yes?"
"About Shige..."
"Will you get on with it?!"
"Well. Just that. It was, you know... my idea for this as the punishment to the game."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"It was a good idea, Massu! Yeah~!"
"Unbelievable. Even MASSU is fighting about this?!"
"What? Shige's hot."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"Just saying."
"Uwah, Massu is so straightforward!"
"Look, we're all adults here, ne? So let's settle this fairly, like men."
"You mean..."
"Yes. Jankenpon."
"...You're an idiot."
"Are you in or out then?"
"... ... ...In."
"Me too."
"Me too!"
"Me too~. I think I'll go last."
"Why, so you can cheat?"
"Eh? How do you cheat at jankenpon?"
"I dunno, why don't you tell ME?"
"Haha, Ryo-tan is paranoid!"
"Shut it, you psych wannabe. Let's just play!"
"Ah...!"
"What now?"
Koyama could only point silently at the empty chair that he could have sworn Shige had occupied only a moment before. Maybe a few moments.
"Ara, he's gone!"
"Damn."
"WHERE THE FUCK DID HE GO? He was tied up!"
"Um, Ryo-chan, you're the one who tied him to the chair..."
"SHUT UP, those knots were perfect!"
"The mistletoe's gone too... that was hard to get."
"Don't worry Massu, I'm sure it'll be back! And Shige too."
"I don’t know… Should we go looking for him?"
"Screw that, that sneaky bastard's not worth it!"
"Don't be mad, Ryo-chan, at least we're all missing out as a group."
"Plus, didn't you ever watch our Onigokko games? He's really good at hiding."
"Nn, that's true... shall we play another game while we wait then?"
"I want to finish this one!"
"But waiting is boooo~ring."
"Maa, we can play something else while Ryo-chan is pouting."
"How about Go Fish?"
"Can it be Strip Go Fish?"
"...Or we could play Twister."
"Naked Twister!"
"...Tegoshi, please hurry up and become a bit more of an adult."
"It doesn't get more adult than Naked Twister!"
"Don't say that with such a bright smile, it gives me the creeps."
"Me too naa~."
"Me too..."
"Me fucking too!"
-*-
Shige knew he had bad luck with the punishment games his group were fond of playing, but he could never bring himself to say no to participating. He wasn't sure if Ryo'd had anything to do with his loss this time, but the pushy Osaka man wasn't the only one scaring him right now, so it didn't really matter at this point.
If he thought about it, it made sense that they'd tied him to the chair under the mistletoe Massu had somehow managed to acquire. There was no way he wouldn't have run screaming if they hadn't done it, but the fact remained that they had gone so far over the edge that they had actually tied him to a chair. Like a hostage. The cloth tied over his mouth was probably just an added vindictive touch from Ryo, but he still found it insulting.
His throat went dry as the argument of just who would be delivering him his punishment got heated, and he looked about wildly for any means to escape. So when an ever-curious Aiba Masaki poked his head into the room for god only knew what and came upon what had to be a very suspicious (or appealing; you never knew with Arashi) situation, Shige did his best to communicate his plight to his respected senpai with only his expressive eyes.
Aiba blinked at him before tiptoeing very conspicuously over to whisper into his ear. "Kato-kun looks constipated. It must be uncomfortable tied up like that in such a condition! Does it hurt?"
Shige's preservation instinct was all that made him give up and play along with his idiotic respected senpai, nodding his head as he cast a wary glance over at his still arguing bandmates. Aiba followed his gaze and immediately looked like he'd been let in on a great secret.
"Ooh, you're playing Hostage! Arashi does that sometimes too, but usually there's less arguing. And clothes."
A low whine escaped Shige, strangled in his attempt to gain only Aiba's attention. The older man blinked at the odd sound before comprehension dawned. "Oh right, you need the bathroom, don't you! Well if we're really quiet, maybe we can sneak away and back again before they notice! That way we won't interrupt the game, you see." He untied Ryo's ridiculous knots with an ease that probably shouldn't have existed in anyone as he babbled happily, then took Shige's hand and led him from the room.
Once out in the hall and a few doors down, Shige ripped the makeshift gag from his mouth and sighed in relief as he let it fall to the floor. "Thank you, Aiba-kun, you really saved me back there," he said, turning to Aiba with a grateful smile, only to be cut off by a sudden press of lips. His eyes were wide and he was certain he would have squeaked like Koyama did sometimes if he'd been capable of making any sounds right now, only gaping at Aiba as he pulled away and beamed, pointing up with one hand and dangling something above both their heads with the other.
"Mistletoe! I snatched it when you weren't looking." He looked strangely proud of this fact, but that wasn't what Shige felt like wondering about at the moment.
"What--you--but--why would you--I was--"
Aiba smiled, somehow reassuringly. "It's a punishment, right? Now your member-ai won't be in danger anymore!"
Shige was flabberghasted, though whether by Aiba's accurate grasp on the situation he had stumbled upon or the fact that he had taken it upon himself to 'help' he wasn't quite clear on. He continued to gape at Aiba until the older man took pity on him, clapping him gently on the back.
"Don't worry, Kato-kun, if they question you about it I can vouch for you! And I do like the smart type the best. Which reminds me, I'm late for our meeting. Hey can I borrow this mistletoe?"
Shige had enough presence of mind to nod, to rid himself of the threat of a repeat of this incident. Aiba grinned, then giggled before taking off and shouting over his shoulder, "DON'T FORGET TO USE THE TOILET~!"
The blood drained from Shige's face, because almost immediately Koyama's head poked out of the NEWS room to see what all the weird noise was about. His best friend let out a squawk upon sighting him, and Shige regretted not getting further away before thanking Aiba. He could hear the Arashi member's peals of laughter from the hall that led to the elevators, cursing himself (and his bandmates) as he bolted for the stairwell, remembering belatedly that no one was ever really safe when dealing with Arashi.
END
Originally Published: Jan. 10, 2009
Pairing: NEWS/Shige, Arashi!ninja/Shige
Genre: Crack/humour.
Rating: PG-13
Words: 1,413
Summary: From the anonymeme: Who I want: NEWS How I want it: Fighting on who gets to kiss Shige under the mistletoe.
Disclaimer: These events are not true (or so they would like us to believe).
Warnings: My first (and only >.>) crack!fic. Also, surprise Arashi at the end.
A/N: Dammit, my genre-dabbling keeps leaving me with all these extra tags. :| Original is here.
"Dibs!"
"The hell do you mean, 'dibs?' You can't just call that!"
"Sure I can! You could have too, Ryo-tan, I just happened to do it first. That's how 'dibs' works!"
"Fuck you and your dibs, that's not even Japanese!"
"Come on you two, this is silly. Are you really fighting about this?"
"Che, you just want him for yourself. Why don't you give someone else a chance sometime?"
"It's not--I don't know what--he's my best friend!"
"You've SLEPT with him."
"J--! J-just in the same bed! That was out of necessity, and we had pillows in between us the whole--"
"You still haven't denied wanting him for yourself."
"Oi. We shouldn't be fighting, Ryo-chan."
"Why are you singling me out?! I'm not fighting with myself here!"
"But you are fighting the most, naa~."
"Tch. It's not my fault I'm the only one here who can make valid arguments."
"Anyway... we shouldn't jeopardize our relationship over something like this."
"Yes! It's bad member-ai! And surely Shige wouldn't want us to be fighting over--er, because of him."
"Hmph."
"Kei-chan is so kind, putting the group above his own personal interests!"
"Um. Yeah..."
"Right, right? Yes, as leader of this group I don't want any more of this fighting. And since I am leader of this group, it's only right that I be the one to take responsibility and end this fight myself."
"..."
"..."
"...hehe."
"What?"
"PI! YOU BASTARD, YOU JUST SAID ALL THAT CRAP TO GET HIM YOURSELF!"
"Tomo-chan is so funny."
"Oi... you can only call me that one more time, then that's it."
"You morons are giving me a migraine."
"Um... you know..."
"...? What?"
"Just a thought..."
"...? Yes?"
"About Shige..."
"Will you get on with it?!"
"Well. Just that. It was, you know... my idea for this as the punishment to the game."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"It was a good idea, Massu! Yeah~!"
"Unbelievable. Even MASSU is fighting about this?!"
"What? Shige's hot."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"Just saying."
"Uwah, Massu is so straightforward!"
"Look, we're all adults here, ne? So let's settle this fairly, like men."
"You mean..."
"Yes. Jankenpon."
"...You're an idiot."
"Are you in or out then?"
"... ... ...In."
"Me too."
"Me too!"
"Me too~. I think I'll go last."
"Why, so you can cheat?"
"Eh? How do you cheat at jankenpon?"
"I dunno, why don't you tell ME?"
"Haha, Ryo-tan is paranoid!"
"Shut it, you psych wannabe. Let's just play!"
"Ah...!"
"What now?"
Koyama could only point silently at the empty chair that he could have sworn Shige had occupied only a moment before. Maybe a few moments.
"Ara, he's gone!"
"Damn."
"WHERE THE FUCK DID HE GO? He was tied up!"
"Um, Ryo-chan, you're the one who tied him to the chair..."
"SHUT UP, those knots were perfect!"
"The mistletoe's gone too... that was hard to get."
"Don't worry Massu, I'm sure it'll be back! And Shige too."
"I don’t know… Should we go looking for him?"
"Screw that, that sneaky bastard's not worth it!"
"Don't be mad, Ryo-chan, at least we're all missing out as a group."
"Plus, didn't you ever watch our Onigokko games? He's really good at hiding."
"Nn, that's true... shall we play another game while we wait then?"
"I want to finish this one!"
"But waiting is boooo~ring."
"Maa, we can play something else while Ryo-chan is pouting."
"How about Go Fish?"
"Can it be Strip Go Fish?"
"...Or we could play Twister."
"Naked Twister!"
"...Tegoshi, please hurry up and become a bit more of an adult."
"It doesn't get more adult than Naked Twister!"
"Don't say that with such a bright smile, it gives me the creeps."
"Me too naa~."
"Me too..."
"Me fucking too!"
-*-
Shige knew he had bad luck with the punishment games his group were fond of playing, but he could never bring himself to say no to participating. He wasn't sure if Ryo'd had anything to do with his loss this time, but the pushy Osaka man wasn't the only one scaring him right now, so it didn't really matter at this point.
If he thought about it, it made sense that they'd tied him to the chair under the mistletoe Massu had somehow managed to acquire. There was no way he wouldn't have run screaming if they hadn't done it, but the fact remained that they had gone so far over the edge that they had actually tied him to a chair. Like a hostage. The cloth tied over his mouth was probably just an added vindictive touch from Ryo, but he still found it insulting.
His throat went dry as the argument of just who would be delivering him his punishment got heated, and he looked about wildly for any means to escape. So when an ever-curious Aiba Masaki poked his head into the room for god only knew what and came upon what had to be a very suspicious (or appealing; you never knew with Arashi) situation, Shige did his best to communicate his plight to his respected senpai with only his expressive eyes.
Aiba blinked at him before tiptoeing very conspicuously over to whisper into his ear. "Kato-kun looks constipated. It must be uncomfortable tied up like that in such a condition! Does it hurt?"
Shige's preservation instinct was all that made him give up and play along with his idiotic respected senpai, nodding his head as he cast a wary glance over at his still arguing bandmates. Aiba followed his gaze and immediately looked like he'd been let in on a great secret.
"Ooh, you're playing Hostage! Arashi does that sometimes too, but usually there's less arguing. And clothes."
A low whine escaped Shige, strangled in his attempt to gain only Aiba's attention. The older man blinked at the odd sound before comprehension dawned. "Oh right, you need the bathroom, don't you! Well if we're really quiet, maybe we can sneak away and back again before they notice! That way we won't interrupt the game, you see." He untied Ryo's ridiculous knots with an ease that probably shouldn't have existed in anyone as he babbled happily, then took Shige's hand and led him from the room.
Once out in the hall and a few doors down, Shige ripped the makeshift gag from his mouth and sighed in relief as he let it fall to the floor. "Thank you, Aiba-kun, you really saved me back there," he said, turning to Aiba with a grateful smile, only to be cut off by a sudden press of lips. His eyes were wide and he was certain he would have squeaked like Koyama did sometimes if he'd been capable of making any sounds right now, only gaping at Aiba as he pulled away and beamed, pointing up with one hand and dangling something above both their heads with the other.
"Mistletoe! I snatched it when you weren't looking." He looked strangely proud of this fact, but that wasn't what Shige felt like wondering about at the moment.
"What--you--but--why would you--I was--"
Aiba smiled, somehow reassuringly. "It's a punishment, right? Now your member-ai won't be in danger anymore!"
Shige was flabberghasted, though whether by Aiba's accurate grasp on the situation he had stumbled upon or the fact that he had taken it upon himself to 'help' he wasn't quite clear on. He continued to gape at Aiba until the older man took pity on him, clapping him gently on the back.
"Don't worry, Kato-kun, if they question you about it I can vouch for you! And I do like the smart type the best. Which reminds me, I'm late for our meeting. Hey can I borrow this mistletoe?"
Shige had enough presence of mind to nod, to rid himself of the threat of a repeat of this incident. Aiba grinned, then giggled before taking off and shouting over his shoulder, "DON'T FORGET TO USE THE TOILET~!"
The blood drained from Shige's face, because almost immediately Koyama's head poked out of the NEWS room to see what all the weird noise was about. His best friend let out a squawk upon sighting him, and Shige regretted not getting further away before thanking Aiba. He could hear the Arashi member's peals of laughter from the hall that led to the elevators, cursing himself (and his bandmates) as he bolted for the stairwell, remembering belatedly that no one was ever really safe when dealing with Arashi.
END