You don't need to read this-- its just me complaining.
I got through the fall relatively unscathed by blue moods, which was a happy first. Sadly, though, I'm having a rather belated bout of aggravated depression (anxiety and depression simultaneously; yes, it can happen, and yes, it is pretty horrible to experience). I'm having a really hard time shaking it. I'm not self-pitying or self-indulgent because I know that only makes matters worse, so if anyone tries to give me a "look on the bright side" speech I will shoot them in the ass with an air rifle. But, I also know that its exacerbated by my bargain basement-low self image, which is retardedly hyperfocused on stupid things; eg, body-image: my hair is frizzy and weird-looking, my acne scars will not go away, I lost all muscle mass over break from being sick for over 2 months and my stomach, butt and thighs/hips have expanded. Yes, these things are not all there is to me, but my feelings refuse to be reasoned with. Also, whenever I'm hanging out with people I feel like I'm being too loud, laughing too loud, and generally being obnoxious and uninteresting. I also found out that Amanda and Joe consider me one of their "nerdy" friends, and although I do self-identify as nerdy, it made me even more paranoid about my social interactions.
I know most of this is my tendency to over-intellectualize and obsess. I know I'm too hard on myself, but I'm just driving myself crazy over nothing and minutia.
This is how I know that I'm officially in a mood valley. I hung out with Amanda, Joe, Shane and Megan last night, and I felt like a 5th wheel. Rationally I know that no one else felt this way. I know Amanda and Joe really like me, Shane has really begun to visibly warm up to me, and Megan too. I know this, but I felt self-conscious and annoying the whole time, and was really depressed when I left, for absolutely no reason. The only material excuse for my feelings is the fact that I'm not part of a couple; being hte oddman out does suck, but shouldn't warrant my mood as of late. I just always feel out of place, like the missing piece.
I don't know if I should go back on antidepressants or wait it out or what. All I know is I hate being anxious and depressed and socially anxious. I'm just tired of feeling this way and worried by the fact that my modified coping mechanisms and behavior are failing right now.
I know most of this is my tendency to over-intellectualize and obsess. I know I'm too hard on myself, but I'm just driving myself crazy over nothing and minutia.
This is how I know that I'm officially in a mood valley. I hung out with Amanda, Joe, Shane and Megan last night, and I felt like a 5th wheel. Rationally I know that no one else felt this way. I know Amanda and Joe really like me, Shane has really begun to visibly warm up to me, and Megan too. I know this, but I felt self-conscious and annoying the whole time, and was really depressed when I left, for absolutely no reason. The only material excuse for my feelings is the fact that I'm not part of a couple; being hte oddman out does suck, but shouldn't warrant my mood as of late. I just always feel out of place, like the missing piece.
I don't know if I should go back on antidepressants or wait it out or what. All I know is I hate being anxious and depressed and socially anxious. I'm just tired of feeling this way and worried by the fact that my modified coping mechanisms and behavior are failing right now.