(no subject)
They say write everything down helps, so here I go. For the first time in a few, maybe many years, I tried to start looking after my health, tried to actually start giving a shit and tried to actually get back into shape, which has been, well fucked. I mean I can't recall doing so much damage to myself ever, let alone in the last six months. I've burnt my upper right arm falling asleep infront of a heater my mother gave me and it was the first time I turned it on. Spin kicked a wall with my right foot, might have been dancing, it was purple for 3 weeks. Spliced my left thumb somehow with broken glass, hand brake hill starts, omfg, it's only just started being useful again. Blistered the bottom of my feet, thought no big deal, I've never have found it so painful to stand for two weeks and oh I chipped my tooth, which cut my tongue and only just got my voice back after 2 weeks.
But this isn't why I'm writing this, part of trying to get back into shape was trying to stop drinking and I've come to realise I drink so I don't remember. Look I know so many others have been through so much more, I just spent a lot of time as a child around my grandparents and they were almost perfect, like happy black and white movies. They were truly amazing, my grandmother didn't need to ask or say anything, she knew and also stopped my granddad and uncle from asking, probably watching her die for two weeks is one of the hardest things I've gone through, she helped raise me probably more than my mum and the night she passed away was the first time my grandfather asked if he should stay the night and they assured him she was stable, I can't remember but I think it was the first time I could get in there without anyone else, they said she was non responsive but she grabbed my hand.
My Grandfather past away five years ago, I had an amazing birthday lunch with him that year, I mean I spent most of it trying not to cry, because I knew and no one was meant to. This guy is my hero, the only male role model, I ever looked up to, could always trust and never hurt me or anyone else. He was hospitalised while I was doing the city to surf, wish they told me than, wish they told me he passed away, I used to live only a few blocks away from the hospital, but walking in and seeing a empty room, well that's something else. Lucky one of my mates was working in the city, behind a bar.
The only house I ever lived in with found memories went off to action that year, ripped down, just like where we hand the wakes.
I'm not sure how it works, but when I have stopped drinking, my mind seems to go searching for answers, things I can't remember, recall and has been throwing absolutely everything I've ever tried not to remember at me, I really do want to know what I can't remember, because everything else is a perfect picture of pain