take care
this week i am reminded that it's important to take care of myself.
most of the time my "self-care" rituals are labeled under the umbrella of "fixing something" - like giving myself spa time and using masks to improve my skin
or reading books, where i try to read quickly to meet the deadline of the next bookclub. not just relaxing while reading the book, but constantly thinking how i don't know if i have enough time to read it.
on the other hand, yoga, which forces me to slow down and actually take care of my mind, is often put on the back burner. it used to be priority but i don't know what changed.
i often find my habits (whether good or bad) form a wave pattern. ebbs and flows. seems like this is kind of inevitable, depending on how things are going emotionally etc.
so while i am on the subject of how i am doing - i got married so i'm very happy about that. it was such a lovely day with all of the very special people in my life. i wish i could go back and re-experience it, it went by so fast.
of course after that lovely day my anxiety creeps in and says.... "hey... does evan still want to be with you?....does he regret it?....". my mind doesn't let things be as they are. i complicate it and spin all angles around in my head until i am emotionally wore out.
i think because of that and because i had a panic attack recently, i have been drinking more. when i have a panic attack and i have a glass of wine, it makes everything just so much better. it just fills me with the confidence that everything will be ok and everything is right in the world.
unfortunately for the next few days i want that feeling again, so i drink white wine after dinner, probably to excess, and not even realizing in the moment that the quantity is unnecessary. in fact i've been feeling shitty in the morning because of it. but i really shouldn't be hard on myself because it's only been a couple days.
nothing is permanent.
it's ok that i had moments of weakness.you didn't "fuck up".
those are my initial thoughts. "you fucked up". emotionally, verbally abusing myself.putting myself down because i need to "snap out of it".
you're not fucked up and you're not perfect. those two things are for sure
another form of anxiety my mind has been latching onto this week is that everyone hates me. i'll have conversations with people and feel they are annoyed at me. i'll convince myself of that even though i can't pinpoint why they would be mad at me. i'll fish around in the recesses of my mind for something i might have said. "oh, was that it? did i say something mean or was i not expressing my gratitude enough?"
but if i did something and dont know it, i would hope the person would tell me. so we can both feel better about it. i dont even know what that would be
i think this has helped me. writing it all down,taking a moment to acknowledge my fears and insecurities, i think is important. maybe more important than ever.
talk soon
whitney