In the hellish adventure of life and lovers continues...
Did I mention that I hate soap opera relationships? I'm trying to look at this mess from the third person, and it looks like a soap opera.... a twisted, twisted soap opera. Something gone horribly wrong....
Dave wrote me this email, that read less like an email, and more like a letter... don't ask me how or why they're different, they just are. It was the most wonderful/beautiful letter I've ever gotten from anyone. Not because it was flowery in language, not because the words used were exquisite, not because the grammar was proper..... but because it was the side of him writing, that I originally fell in love with. It was written by the man that I always wanted to hang out with, always wanted to kiss, and had fun dancing in the kitchen with... It's the side of him I haven't seen in the year that I've been out here. When he moved out here and was stuck on the military base, with no real way of getting around easily in an economic fashion because it's a long way from the base to my old place, and my new place. That really drove us apart.... When I first went out with him, we had no choice in seeing each other for a weekend every two to three weeks. Now when we have the chance to be together more often... we're not... and I guess that hurts a little. When we do get together, because of his lifestyle, we have nothing to talk about. I could blather on forever about stuff, but he doesn't have much to talk about except the game we play. I'm fine with talking about it when we're playing, but I don't like talking about it outside the game setting. It's just not my thing. It's what he talks about, so I try to listen, really I do. Somewhere along the line though, I just lose track of what the heck he's saying... and from there I block him out. After blaming so much of this on him, I know that I'm at fault as well. We both are. Though I still think I try to keep it together more, I still do things that can really distance us.... like telling him to shut up about his game when he's only been talking about it for something like two minutes. I guess it's just 'cause I don't want to hear it anymore. He wants to make it work, and I want to in a way as well, because some part of me, in the recesses of my mind, always thought that we would be together forever. I'm just tired of the anger, and the heartache, and I hope I don't have to go through this again. I know a large part of the problem between us is that my libido is SHOT. I mean, half the time, it's right fucking broken. I presume it's the drugs I'm on, since every drug I'm on has that side effect... so it kind of stacks up. It sucks 'cause I'm not getting any sex, and neither is he, and it's been like that for a while. We're going to talk face to face this afternoon..... I don't know what's going to happen. Hell, I can barely even tell what my position on the matter is. My head's so fucked up right now, I just can't tell what's going on anymore. I want to give it a chance. If you saw the letter, you know why I'm going against my original decision now. But believe me now, if it turns out to be all talk, and no walk, I'm still leaving. I can't help it, I won't spend my life being "content" with a relationship, but not being blissfully happy. Should this become a blissful relationship, then yes I would be fine. It would mess a few people's lives up in the process as it always tends to- and I don't know how to feel about that either, and I need to work things out in my head. I need to work things out with him, talking to him, figuring out where we both stand. He's said he would do things before, and has been incapable. I won't say I'll be surprised if he does it this time... but it would be nice. I am skeptical, but I think I have earned the privilege of being skeptical at this point. We'll see what happens tonight.
My eyes are still puffy. No amount of crying could make them puffier.
One never knows what goes on within the heart.... something keeps it beating even though sometimes it feels like it's in a million pieces. Something always drags backwards toward the love... the love that was there, and that we want to still be there. There's love elsewhere, and I want that too... but I can't have both.
I think I need a nap before I go out this afternoon...
G'day
Dave wrote me this email, that read less like an email, and more like a letter... don't ask me how or why they're different, they just are. It was the most wonderful/beautiful letter I've ever gotten from anyone. Not because it was flowery in language, not because the words used were exquisite, not because the grammar was proper..... but because it was the side of him writing, that I originally fell in love with. It was written by the man that I always wanted to hang out with, always wanted to kiss, and had fun dancing in the kitchen with... It's the side of him I haven't seen in the year that I've been out here. When he moved out here and was stuck on the military base, with no real way of getting around easily in an economic fashion because it's a long way from the base to my old place, and my new place. That really drove us apart.... When I first went out with him, we had no choice in seeing each other for a weekend every two to three weeks. Now when we have the chance to be together more often... we're not... and I guess that hurts a little. When we do get together, because of his lifestyle, we have nothing to talk about. I could blather on forever about stuff, but he doesn't have much to talk about except the game we play. I'm fine with talking about it when we're playing, but I don't like talking about it outside the game setting. It's just not my thing. It's what he talks about, so I try to listen, really I do. Somewhere along the line though, I just lose track of what the heck he's saying... and from there I block him out. After blaming so much of this on him, I know that I'm at fault as well. We both are. Though I still think I try to keep it together more, I still do things that can really distance us.... like telling him to shut up about his game when he's only been talking about it for something like two minutes. I guess it's just 'cause I don't want to hear it anymore. He wants to make it work, and I want to in a way as well, because some part of me, in the recesses of my mind, always thought that we would be together forever. I'm just tired of the anger, and the heartache, and I hope I don't have to go through this again. I know a large part of the problem between us is that my libido is SHOT. I mean, half the time, it's right fucking broken. I presume it's the drugs I'm on, since every drug I'm on has that side effect... so it kind of stacks up. It sucks 'cause I'm not getting any sex, and neither is he, and it's been like that for a while. We're going to talk face to face this afternoon..... I don't know what's going to happen. Hell, I can barely even tell what my position on the matter is. My head's so fucked up right now, I just can't tell what's going on anymore. I want to give it a chance. If you saw the letter, you know why I'm going against my original decision now. But believe me now, if it turns out to be all talk, and no walk, I'm still leaving. I can't help it, I won't spend my life being "content" with a relationship, but not being blissfully happy. Should this become a blissful relationship, then yes I would be fine. It would mess a few people's lives up in the process as it always tends to- and I don't know how to feel about that either, and I need to work things out in my head. I need to work things out with him, talking to him, figuring out where we both stand. He's said he would do things before, and has been incapable. I won't say I'll be surprised if he does it this time... but it would be nice. I am skeptical, but I think I have earned the privilege of being skeptical at this point. We'll see what happens tonight.
My eyes are still puffy. No amount of crying could make them puffier.
One never knows what goes on within the heart.... something keeps it beating even though sometimes it feels like it's in a million pieces. Something always drags backwards toward the love... the love that was there, and that we want to still be there. There's love elsewhere, and I want that too... but I can't have both.
I think I need a nap before I go out this afternoon...
G'day