Alive, I
I bet everyones thinking the same thing, WOW, adam is updating. Its been too long kiddies and its bout time i use this thingy before people get upset.
As for me, the past couple of months have been great. The Lord has blessed me with many things that deep down, i feel i dont deserve. For starters, playing in the worship band at the church as added so many levels of faith and joy to my heart. The feeling of being up there in front and being able to use the gifts i have to give value and to actually feel the Spirit working in me, its amazing. Secondly, the job i have now is amazing. It fits completely into my scheduling. I am a night person. I hate the morning, and im usually not up til late afternoon. So working during the evenings with no one there except the few who are like me is nice, its peaceful, calm, and easy. The job also coincides with what i went to school with and the main point, i enjoy it. Thirdly, i have a love interest that returns the love i give. A blessing i truly dont deserve.
But for some odd reason, i still feel like there is more than life then what it is now. I feel beckoned by something deep in me. Im stuck in this habit of work and sleep, and then the weekends are filled with my form of relaxation and church. an occassional movie, or physical activity, video games and maybe a book. nothing more, nothing less. theres got to be more. i just dont feel satisfied with things right now, i guess...
and i shouldnt say that, because im being blessed with more than i deserve, and its not about that though...
deep down, i really believe i have more of a purpose than this, we all do...
maybe im not being patient enough, or im not looking at it in the right light, or in tune with the music being played...
if anything, i want to jump 10 yrs into the future and just know where i am at and how things are.
but with recent revelations and questioning, ive come to the point where i should move (bear with me, its only an idea, not something i plan to do at all). and by move, i mean like completely leave this state and go far away, and just be alone...
not held up on some pedestal...
not required to meet peoples expectations...
just able to live a life by my own measures(of course in line with those of God)...
am i depressed, far from it, am i fulfilled, not really, its an odd feeling of emptiness and self disappointment.
i am absolutely happy with my friends, my family, my church, and my Joelle...
but im torn, tied deep into a struggle between what people think i should do or expect of me...
and what adam wants to do...
and what alone/stoic/cold/simple adam wants to do...
i hope this makes sense, if not, i apologize, for one, its 4 in the morning, and secondly, its hard for me to put into words what i feel and think. im more of a visual person than a linguistic.
life is good, and i cherish that. things could always be worse, but i need something fresh, something new...
im tired of habit and honestly, i need encouragement...
the Lord will use this, doors will be opened and my heart will be warm and full again, i know this, i believe this, to what accord, to what situation, til when, i do not know...
Be patient.
I must keep reminding myself of this.
And if there were no rewards to reap,
No loving embrace to see me through
This tedious path I've chosen here,
I certainly would've walked away by now.
And I still may.
Gonna wait it out.
~peace
As for me, the past couple of months have been great. The Lord has blessed me with many things that deep down, i feel i dont deserve. For starters, playing in the worship band at the church as added so many levels of faith and joy to my heart. The feeling of being up there in front and being able to use the gifts i have to give value and to actually feel the Spirit working in me, its amazing. Secondly, the job i have now is amazing. It fits completely into my scheduling. I am a night person. I hate the morning, and im usually not up til late afternoon. So working during the evenings with no one there except the few who are like me is nice, its peaceful, calm, and easy. The job also coincides with what i went to school with and the main point, i enjoy it. Thirdly, i have a love interest that returns the love i give. A blessing i truly dont deserve.
But for some odd reason, i still feel like there is more than life then what it is now. I feel beckoned by something deep in me. Im stuck in this habit of work and sleep, and then the weekends are filled with my form of relaxation and church. an occassional movie, or physical activity, video games and maybe a book. nothing more, nothing less. theres got to be more. i just dont feel satisfied with things right now, i guess...
and i shouldnt say that, because im being blessed with more than i deserve, and its not about that though...
deep down, i really believe i have more of a purpose than this, we all do...
maybe im not being patient enough, or im not looking at it in the right light, or in tune with the music being played...
if anything, i want to jump 10 yrs into the future and just know where i am at and how things are.
but with recent revelations and questioning, ive come to the point where i should move (bear with me, its only an idea, not something i plan to do at all). and by move, i mean like completely leave this state and go far away, and just be alone...
not held up on some pedestal...
not required to meet peoples expectations...
just able to live a life by my own measures(of course in line with those of God)...
am i depressed, far from it, am i fulfilled, not really, its an odd feeling of emptiness and self disappointment.
i am absolutely happy with my friends, my family, my church, and my Joelle...
but im torn, tied deep into a struggle between what people think i should do or expect of me...
and what adam wants to do...
and what alone/stoic/cold/simple adam wants to do...
i hope this makes sense, if not, i apologize, for one, its 4 in the morning, and secondly, its hard for me to put into words what i feel and think. im more of a visual person than a linguistic.
life is good, and i cherish that. things could always be worse, but i need something fresh, something new...
im tired of habit and honestly, i need encouragement...
the Lord will use this, doors will be opened and my heart will be warm and full again, i know this, i believe this, to what accord, to what situation, til when, i do not know...
Be patient.
I must keep reminding myself of this.
And if there were no rewards to reap,
No loving embrace to see me through
This tedious path I've chosen here,
I certainly would've walked away by now.
And I still may.
Gonna wait it out.
~peace