(no subject)
I don't know how to be happy. I don't think I ever learned. Okay, on lj I can be excited and invested and I can be motivated but i'm not happy. I push and push myself. I push everyone away, I judge myself and everyone else. I can never just be happy with what I have or where I am. I am very avoidant and I;ve always seen that as part of it. I don;t really feel right unless i'm on my own and then i am just so lonely. I am constantly jealous; jealous of everyone in the whole world because they just all seem to be prettier and thinner and healthier and better and funnier and cleverer and happier. I don't know if i'm manic depressive, my mother was, or bi polar or if i am just sad.