The Bitch Payed...
My mom was supposed to pick me up to got to the doctor after 8th period. However, it appears the skill needed to tell time eludes her as she showed up at the beginning of eighth. I was looking forward to hanging out for a period and I needed to talk to Medwid and Naomi about our portfolio introductions. If something interesting (such as Medwid coming out of the closet) occured while I was supposed to be in class I'm definitely punching my mom in the face. I ranted a fair bit while walking out to the car uttering "fucking shit" quite frequently. Then when I gathered my wits after parting the raging sea of hate I decided we wouldn't be even unless I tortured her to atone for her lack of intelligence.
I kept my silence for a few minutes and then burst out laughing, this is close to what happened:
mom: why are you laughing?
Brian: I thought it would be hilarious if right now in a completely serious and darkly angry voice I said I'm going to take a giant shit on your bed when we get home.
mom: (extremely freaked out)
Brian: (winks and goes back to laughing)
Then I told my mom about the theory Catherine, Courtney, and I devised which states that if someone rings a doorbell sodomy is thereby legal (watch Pulp Fiction). For some odd reason I then expanded the concept of sodomy further and the steps one could take in order to prevent its occurence. I hypothesized all the things my mother could do if she had the ability to shoot laser bolts out of her anus.
Brian: You could be sitting having dinner at the olive garden when all of a sudden a a series of lasers erupt from your anus slicing a family cleanly in half as a result of the spicy content of the food.
Mom: (stares straight ahead without responding)
Brian: Or you could be a super hero and the mayor could call you up and be all like "The bank's being robbed!" So you'd go to the bank bend over and let some lasers rip, of course there's no way you can control the diffusion which means hostages get killed as well.
Mom: (gives Brian a sidelong glance)
Brian: Or if someone ever tried to sodomize you, you could yell "I have lasers in my anus" which would cause them to back off for a second as any rapist would be quite taken by surprise if their victim uttered such a phrase. Then you could use that window of confusion to kick them in the groin and run away.
Mom: (silent for a moment) That might work. (laughs)
After that I considered it even, though I did make her listen to the Scottish Rugby team's rendition of "I Will Survive" and Hitler's Dance Party on the ride to the doctor's office.
5 parts crazy? Nah, I agree with 8.
I hate mondays.
I kept my silence for a few minutes and then burst out laughing, this is close to what happened:
mom: why are you laughing?
Brian: I thought it would be hilarious if right now in a completely serious and darkly angry voice I said I'm going to take a giant shit on your bed when we get home.
mom: (extremely freaked out)
Brian: (winks and goes back to laughing)
Then I told my mom about the theory Catherine, Courtney, and I devised which states that if someone rings a doorbell sodomy is thereby legal (watch Pulp Fiction). For some odd reason I then expanded the concept of sodomy further and the steps one could take in order to prevent its occurence. I hypothesized all the things my mother could do if she had the ability to shoot laser bolts out of her anus.
Brian: You could be sitting having dinner at the olive garden when all of a sudden a a series of lasers erupt from your anus slicing a family cleanly in half as a result of the spicy content of the food.
Mom: (stares straight ahead without responding)
Brian: Or you could be a super hero and the mayor could call you up and be all like "The bank's being robbed!" So you'd go to the bank bend over and let some lasers rip, of course there's no way you can control the diffusion which means hostages get killed as well.
Mom: (gives Brian a sidelong glance)
Brian: Or if someone ever tried to sodomize you, you could yell "I have lasers in my anus" which would cause them to back off for a second as any rapist would be quite taken by surprise if their victim uttered such a phrase. Then you could use that window of confusion to kick them in the groin and run away.
Mom: (silent for a moment) That might work. (laughs)
After that I considered it even, though I did make her listen to the Scottish Rugby team's rendition of "I Will Survive" and Hitler's Dance Party on the ride to the doctor's office.
5 parts crazy? Nah, I agree with 8.
I hate mondays.