So I felt like writing. [Love History]
So I've realized that I have a small crush on a bartender. Which has made me evaluate my past infatuations. Let's go through that portal into the recesses of my mind. To the beginning or nearly so, as far as my engrams will take me. Naturally the more recent the event the more detailed it will be.
Five years old is the youngest I remember that my 'heart' felt something. Her name was Bethany she lived across the street and was in my Kindergarten class. To this day I'm not really sure what it was I felt for her. Too young to understand, all I know is that I eminently enjoyed spending time with her. Stephenie was another girl that I liked but I couldn't stand her tickling me all the time so it turned into annoyance. [Yes I'm aware of the irony] Then there was the older girl next door we flirted a little she enjoyed getting me wet. It was over the fence relationship. So this was when she was water the plants in the backyard.
Then when I was seven I met Lisa, she had a little girls group and I volunteered to be her bodyguard. Then I knew more about what I felt, I think she felt the same, but we were young and never discussed what we felt, we spent a lot of time together. She moved away, though my sister told me that the day she left [I was sick] she was disappointed. Wasn't there so she asked Betty to say goodbye for her. My heart broke for the first time. I pined for the rest of that year. I sat were she used to sit and felt a great regret that I never really expressed my feelings to her. Even if I didn't fully understand them myself. That following year I met a pretty girl Tia but all I could acknowledge was that she was pretty. My heart was still empty.
It might have been around this time that I limited myself on how freely I showed emotion. Contributing factors were the simple fact that I never stayed long anywhere. This effectively controlled my heart for quite a few years.
Middle school I met a girl named Crystal. Though I think it was her purity and how friendly she was that attracted myself and a few of my classmates to her. We were really good friends but nothing more. She wanted me to go to the same High school as her but I declined, was tempted.
High school I slightly wavered but I kept it in line. Never acting on any sort of spark. Turned down a few offers. [Flirted I'm told but I didn't view it as such.] Yet after High school I sort of started again, though very cautiously.
Won't be naming names after this since it's getting recent.
In college I had a few crushes and acted on some instincts. Parties led to other forms of outlets.
There was this girl at this party during this time. [Cryptic enough?] We had a small thing for a couple of months but things just drifted. It was the whole meeting at a party more of a fling not going to last scenario. A floor mate that I'm sure was only a one way attraction. There was also a girl in Cali that my brother introduced me to but I ended that after the two week that I was there. Logically it wasn't going to last the long distances. Plus my brother just wanted me laid since he thought I was too reserved. Then there was this lady that I met online, it was friendship at first. We enjoyed talking about random things. We kept it up for about a year and half until we finally met. We had fun I felt like how I was before I closed myself off from making friends. A little weird when we hung out at some teenagers place that we just met to smoke a hookah. Yet I enjoyed the basic things. During this time somehow my feeling of friendship went to something more. My logic, reserved self went out the window. I told her how I felt but she didn't really feel the same. Sure she liked me as well but didn't really want a relationship. I understood especially the way we met. We stayed in touch as best as I could since I was working. Was texting her but since I got off so late I stopped. It kept waking her up. Later I learned that she'd started something with another person. So I stopped. Not sure if she was testing me or moved on or what. Yet I wasn't going to play the competing game. After hearing her mention one time about a past boyfriend and a startling little quirk he had I later commented that I had the same just for my own amusement, childish I know but it was were I was at in the moment. Still went out with her when I was in town. Though I was tired form work and I wasn't liking where things were heading. Telling her how I felt and ending up as friend she just wanted to hang out with. Then I met this other girl moved on yet I felt like I might be rebounding. So it wasn't continued.
In a sense I just closed up again.
Lately I've found myself attracted to women that are taken. Might be a defense that I'm doing. It's were I'm at right now.
Any questions? [No I'm not going to revise this.]
Five years old is the youngest I remember that my 'heart' felt something. Her name was Bethany she lived across the street and was in my Kindergarten class. To this day I'm not really sure what it was I felt for her. Too young to understand, all I know is that I eminently enjoyed spending time with her. Stephenie was another girl that I liked but I couldn't stand her tickling me all the time so it turned into annoyance. [Yes I'm aware of the irony] Then there was the older girl next door we flirted a little she enjoyed getting me wet. It was over the fence relationship. So this was when she was water the plants in the backyard.
Then when I was seven I met Lisa, she had a little girls group and I volunteered to be her bodyguard. Then I knew more about what I felt, I think she felt the same, but we were young and never discussed what we felt, we spent a lot of time together. She moved away, though my sister told me that the day she left [I was sick] she was disappointed. Wasn't there so she asked Betty to say goodbye for her. My heart broke for the first time. I pined for the rest of that year. I sat were she used to sit and felt a great regret that I never really expressed my feelings to her. Even if I didn't fully understand them myself. That following year I met a pretty girl Tia but all I could acknowledge was that she was pretty. My heart was still empty.
It might have been around this time that I limited myself on how freely I showed emotion. Contributing factors were the simple fact that I never stayed long anywhere. This effectively controlled my heart for quite a few years.
Middle school I met a girl named Crystal. Though I think it was her purity and how friendly she was that attracted myself and a few of my classmates to her. We were really good friends but nothing more. She wanted me to go to the same High school as her but I declined, was tempted.
High school I slightly wavered but I kept it in line. Never acting on any sort of spark. Turned down a few offers. [Flirted I'm told but I didn't view it as such.] Yet after High school I sort of started again, though very cautiously.
Won't be naming names after this since it's getting recent.
In college I had a few crushes and acted on some instincts. Parties led to other forms of outlets.
There was this girl at this party during this time. [Cryptic enough?] We had a small thing for a couple of months but things just drifted. It was the whole meeting at a party more of a fling not going to last scenario. A floor mate that I'm sure was only a one way attraction. There was also a girl in Cali that my brother introduced me to but I ended that after the two week that I was there. Logically it wasn't going to last the long distances. Plus my brother just wanted me laid since he thought I was too reserved. Then there was this lady that I met online, it was friendship at first. We enjoyed talking about random things. We kept it up for about a year and half until we finally met. We had fun I felt like how I was before I closed myself off from making friends. A little weird when we hung out at some teenagers place that we just met to smoke a hookah. Yet I enjoyed the basic things. During this time somehow my feeling of friendship went to something more. My logic, reserved self went out the window. I told her how I felt but she didn't really feel the same. Sure she liked me as well but didn't really want a relationship. I understood especially the way we met. We stayed in touch as best as I could since I was working. Was texting her but since I got off so late I stopped. It kept waking her up. Later I learned that she'd started something with another person. So I stopped. Not sure if she was testing me or moved on or what. Yet I wasn't going to play the competing game. After hearing her mention one time about a past boyfriend and a startling little quirk he had I later commented that I had the same just for my own amusement, childish I know but it was were I was at in the moment. Still went out with her when I was in town. Though I was tired form work and I wasn't liking where things were heading. Telling her how I felt and ending up as friend she just wanted to hang out with. Then I met this other girl moved on yet I felt like I might be rebounding. So it wasn't continued.
In a sense I just closed up again.
Lately I've found myself attracted to women that are taken. Might be a defense that I'm doing. It's were I'm at right now.
Any questions? [No I'm not going to revise this.]