Try [2/2]
Title: Try [2/2]
Author: FloweryMisha
Pairing: KaiSoo
Warning: BoyxBoy love. Enough said.
Summary: Jongin didn’t believe in commitment. Kyungsoo didn’t believe in relationship.
[1]
Jongin still belonged to Luhan and Luhan still belonged to Jongin.
But sometimes, Kyungsoo thought the younger male belonged to him, too.
There were times when they were together with their friends without Luhan, and Jongin showed everyone that no one could touch Kyungsoo. Although it would show simply as an affection from Jongin because he cared for Kyungsoo-the way Junmyeon did for everyone, but Zitao was no fool. He was no fool because it was the same affection he did to Jongdae, or the same feelings radiated from Baekhyun toward Chanyeol. Heck, it probably surpassed Yifan’s affection toward Junmyeon.
Zitao knew Kyungsoo was doing a great job from hiding his feelings so that their friends hadn’t suspect a thing. It was such a cliche, really, Kyungsoo being lovesick over Jongin who was dating Luhan (and nobody was doing anything about it). But would it be fair to Kyungsoo if he kept on welcoming Jongin into his arms when the other male clearly had someone else? He wanted to talk to Kyungsoo privately, but never really had the chance to. Because whenever they met, Jongin would always be around and it was hard to approach Kyungsoo without getting a death glare from Jongin.
“Oh no,” Jongdae whined.
Zitao looked up from the magazine. “What’s wrong?”
“I ran out of shampoo,” Jongdae said with his puppy eyes. His boyfriend only put on a blank expression and only nodded in response before shifting his eyes back to the astrology page. “Baby, would you please go to the nearest convenient store to get it for me...?”
Zitao sighed in resignation because whenever Jongdae used his sweet, pleading tone, he knew he had lost. If he declined then it would usually end with Jongdae sulking for a week and he hated it. “...alright.”
“You’re the best boyfriend,” Jongdae grinned as he threw himself to Zitao’s lap and leaned forward to kiss the taller male. “Who knows, something good might happen tonight.”
Zitao snorted into a smile but kissed him back anyway. “Like what?”
“Like there would be a discount, buy one free one,” Jongdae took something out of his pocket and handed him a piece of paper. “Buy some snacks too, okay?”
Zitao eyed the paper questioningly. “...it wasn’t just shampoo?”
Jongdae flashed him an impish smile before kissing the Chinese male once again.
So Zitao, for the name of love, went to the supermarket he frequented and took an empty basket. He glanced briefly at the list of things he needed to buy and walked to the said aisle. When Zitao was done (thankfully it wasn’t that much) and he was about to head to the cashier to pay when he spotted Kyungsoo. At first he thought it was just his imagination, that it was someone else, but then he took a closer look and he was right.
It was really Kyungsoo.
Zitao hesitated for a moment because it seemed like the older male was also all by himself. Kyungsoo was still staring at the stack of canned foods in front of him blankly, a hand on his chest and the other hand holding a half filled basket. Zitao decided that he would not waste this opportunity, so he stalked forward to greet his friend.
“Hyung.”
Kyungsoo’s shoulder flinched slightly as he turned to Zitao. His lips curved into a smile when he noticed who had called him. “Hi, Zitao.”
Zitao raised a hand in response. “Are you alone?”
Kyungsoo stared at him strangely. “Yeah...? I mean, who else would I be with...?”
Jongin, was what Zitao wanted to reply but he only showed him an apologetic smile. “Just asking, hyung. I’m sorry.”
“It’s fine. Are you alone too?”
“Yeah. Chen’s at home.”
Kyungsoo chuckled. “It must be nice to be able to stay home and send your boyfriend out to do an errand for you...” He trailed off and absently took a can of tuna. Kyungsoo seemed to be lost in thoughts as he observed thoroughly at the canned food. Zitao opened his mouth to say something, but he wasn’t sure of what to say.
Silence descended upon them and after a few moments, Zitao decided to break it.
“I heard what happened with Chanyeol. I’m so sorry for that.”
Kyungsoo blinked. “What happened to him?”
Zitao frowned slightly. “You didn’t know?” When he received a headshake as an answer, he suddenly wasn’t sure if he should continue. Zitao cleared his throat awkwardly and scratched the back of his head. “He, uh...he got together with Baekhyun-hyung.”
“He did?” Kyungsoo beamed at him. “That’s good!”
Zitao blinked. “Really?”
“Yeah,” Kyungsoo waved a hand dismissively and looked a bit relieved. “I mean, he didn’t show up...and I know I’m boring. Besides, Baekhyun-hyung will make a good boyfriend for him.”
“Chanyeol didn’t...show up?”
“Yeah.”
“Oh.”
“Jongin did, though.”
Zitao’s head snapped back quickly to Kyungsoo. “Jongin showed up?”
Kyungsoo seemed to realize that he had made a mistake by mentioning the name and blanched. “I-I mean...”
How did he know?
“What did Jongin say?”
“He-he said nothing,” Kyungsoo stuttered and silently hoped Zitao would buy the lie. “He just-he just wanted to grab dinner but I told him I was waiting for Chanyeol...” Kyungsoo mentally panicked because he had never been the best at lying. He hated to lie. But there was just no way he could tell Zitao the truth.
Unfortunately, Zitao was able to see right through his lies.
“Hyung,” the Chinese male said quietly. “I think you should stop.”
Kyungsoo deadpanned. “Stop...?”
“You should stop doing this to yourself. Either you tell him or you stopped welcoming him whenever he has a fight with Luhan.”
Zitao said it so straight forwardly that Kyungsoo felt the words were like a hard slap on his face. Kyungsoo froze in his track and his heartbeat increased dramatically. Was he that obvious?
“How-how did-“
“You’re hurting yourself, hyung. You need to tell him that you love him.”
“I-“ Kyungsoo whispered in disbelief. “I can’t-“
“Then push him away.”
“He’s-“ Kyungsoo brought a trembling hand to his mouth. “He’s a friend, Zitao-“
“A friend who’s not in love with you.”
Kyungsoo gasped into his hand at the remark and took a step back. Tears were starting to form in the rim of his eyes as he stared at Zitao. He wanted to protest, he wanted to be angry at him for being so mean, but he knew what Zitao said was right. Everything was right.
Jongin wasn’t in love with him and he knew it. He had always known it. Then why did he keep on clinging to the false hope?
“Don’t,” Kyungsoo was pleading and warning at the same time.
Kyungsoo knew that he wasn’t the one Jongin fell in love with. He wasn’t the one he had a relationship with. Kyungsoo wasn’t the one for him.
“I have to,” Zitao sternly said. “Leave him.”
But no matter how hurt it was when the truth was shoved bluntly into his face, Kyungsoo wasn’t sure if he was going to be able to let Jongin go.
He didn’t even want to try.
***
A few days had passed and Kyungsoo had been locking himself in his apartment.
The doe eyed male wished spring break would be over soon, because then his days would be packed with schedules and exams and it might help taking his mind off of Jongin. And whenever his mind flew to Jongin, he would realize that it had been a few weeks since the last time the tanned skin male came to his apartment-which was good, because that meant everything was alright with Luhan. Zitao and Baekhyun had been calling him to get him out of the apartment, but he had always declined.
Because if they hang out, it would mean meeting Jongin and he just didn’t want to at the moment.
There were times when Kyungsoo felt he wouldn’t be able to make it, but he told himself he would last. Just a few more weeks and then he would probably forget about everything.
Days turned to a week and a week turned to two in a blink of an eye.
Kyungsoo definitely didn’t expect Jongin to be standing outside his apartment when he took the trash out that night. His whole body went numb and he wished it wasn’t too late to turn back and pretended he saw nothing, but it was too late. Jongin already spotted him and it would be very awkward if Kyungsoo turned around...
Jongin was leaning against the wall and Kyungsoo tried to act casually even though his hands were trembling.
“J-Jongin-ah?”
Dammit Kyungsoo control your voice.
Jongin gave him a gentle smile as he detached his back from the wall. “Hi, hyung.”
“What-what are you doing here?”
“I-“ Jongin paused for a while. “I just wanted to check on you...”
“I’m alright,” Kyungsoo replied quickly.
“Really?” Jongin seemed unconvinced. “I mean, you’ve been avoiding us lately...are you that busy?”
Not them. Just you.
“I’m glad you’re okay, though,” Jongin continued. “I came here this past few days, but I just-“
“This past few days?”
Jongin stopped talking and his expression went nonchalant. “...yeah.”
“You mean this past few days,” Kyungsoo said and his voice was trembling. “You came here and you didn’t...even knock at my door?”
What am I to you?
Jongin sighed softly. “I’m sorry, I thought-“
“Am I a substitute to you, Jongin-ah?”
Jongin went blank. “What?”
“Do you only come to me whenever you have a problem with Luhan?” Kyungsoo said flatly like he was strong, even though his soul was screaming inside. “So when everything’s alright, you just...can’t come to me...even just for a chat...?”
Jongin narrowed his eyes in dislike. “It’s not like that.”
“Then what is it?” Kyungsoo lifted up his chin to stare straight at Jongin. His eyes were full with unshed tears and deep sadness waved his entire body. He needed to know.
“You’re not a substitute,” Jongin said as he took a step closer. “You’ve never been.”
“Then what-“
“This.”
Jongin shut him up with a kiss.
Their lips were sloppily pressed together because Jongin didn’t get a good angle and Kyungsoo wasn’t ready at him lunging his way. Kyungsoo let out a muffled sound and almost stumbled backward, but Jongin snaked an arm around his waist and steadied both of their positions. Jongin refused to let go of his lips and continued their kiss.
All of Kyungsoo’s strength was drained with just a simple kiss and he held on dearly to Jongin’s arms. He didn’t know how long had it been since their lips touched and since when his eyes had closed. All he knew was that Jongin tasted sweet and Kyungsoo could smell his favorite cologne lingering in the air. After a moment that seemed like an eternity, Jongin finally pulled away, but their faces stayed close. Kyungsoo felt everything was spinning around but it didn’t take him very long to know that he wanted Jongin to leave.
Because it was wrong.
Jongin had Luhan.
“What are you doing?” Kyungsoo weakly cried as he pushed Jongin away with both of his hands. “Just-just leave-“
“No, hyung, please, listen to me-“
“Please, just leave-“
“I won’t leave until you hear me-“
“I’m not Luhan, okay??”
Kyungsoo never thought he would be able to say something so cruel like that.
Jongin was paralyzed for a moment at his words. He looked very shocked with what Kyungsoo had exclaimed and slowly took a step back. All of his efforts to grab Kyungsoo closer vanished instantly and the younger male sent him a hurtful look. “...what?”
“I-I’ll never be able to win from Luhan, won’t I?” Kyungsoo whispered painfully as he hugged himself. He maintained a safe distance between him and Jongin. Kyungsoo felt awful. What was it that he felt? “Why-why did you even kiss me?”
Jongin snorted in disbelief with his eyes widened. “What?”
“Who did you think about?” Kyungsoo’s eyes were teary and if he blinked, it would surely fall to his cheek. “Did you think...I would be like Luhan?”
It took Jongin at least a minute to register what the older male had said. He pressed a hand on his face and chuckled bitterly to himself. “Do you really despise a relationship that much? I’m just-goddammit, I’m not that low, hyung...”
Kyungsoo refused to look at Jongin and sobbed softly to himself. He waited for anything, anything, but nothing came. All he heard was the sound of footsteps fading away. Kyungsoo braved himself to look up and when he did, Jongin was nowhere to be found.
“Jongin,” he sobbed in exasperation. “Don’t leave...”
If his heart was broken badly before, this one was even worse.
Kyungsoo’s heart shattered into million pieces that he wasn’t sure if he would be able to make it whole again.
***
They stopped seeing each other.
This time, it was for real.
Kyungsoo was starting to hang out with Baekhyun and Zitao again, but there would be no Jongin anymore. He finally met Chanyeol and his hunch was right, Chanyeol looked perfect with Baekhyun instead of him. Kyungsoo had never seen the latter in such a wide smile before-Chanyeol must made him really happy. He caught Baekhyun sent him an apologetic stare which made him confused, because there was nothing to be sorry about. It wasn’t like he liked Chanyeol or the other way around...
Not seeing Jongin for the next few weeks made Kyungsoo calmed down a little bit. He took it as an opportunity to heal his heartbreak, his eternal wound. Slowly, but surely, he tried to get rid of his fear of relationships because there was just no way Jongin would be his. Kyungsoo let Zitao and the others introduced him to a few guys, but whenever they asked him out, he backed away. He realized that he wasn’t ready. That he still needed some time. That his heart was damaged severely that he had no idea how to heal it.
How could he, when Jongin was all he thought about?
Kyungsoo sincerely wished Jongin would be happy forever with Luhan.
“It’s such a shame they broke up, though,” Baekhyun said with a slight pout. “I mean, they look good together...”
Kyungsoo didn’t really pay attention to what Baekhyun and Jongdae was talking about. That day, Zitao was the one who couldn’t make it because he still had his class. He was resting his chin on the heels of his palms when Jongdae replied.
“Yeah, but Luhan seems very happy with his new boyfriend now...”
Kyungsoo’s eyes widened at Jongdae’s words and immediately straightened in his seat. “Did you-did you just say Luhan?”
“Yeah.”
“He-he has a new boyfriend?”
Jongdae nodded. “His new boyfriend is the same age as Jongin, though...”
“What? How-how long has it been since they...broke up...?”
Baekhyun looked thoughtful as he pressed a finger on his lips. “Several weeks ago...? A week or two after me and Chanyeol started dating, I think...”
Kyungsoo froze in his track. Several weeks ago...?
“Why-why did they break up...?”
“Same reason, I guess,” Jongdae grimaced. “That Jongin doesn’t believe in commitment...”
Kyungsoo wished he would hear any other reason but that. Disappointment seeped into his heart and he tried to act casual like it was no big deal. Jongdae and Baekhyun soon dropped the subject and talked about something else, but it wasn’t that easy for Kyungsoo. He couldn’t stop thinking about it because several weeks ago meant that the timeline fit the time when Jongin came to his apartment.
Why did he kiss me then...?
Kyungsoo was so confused with everything and with what he felt that he didn’t even realize that tears were already streaming down his cheeks. Jongdae was the first one to notice and his eyes widened in surprise as he leaned forward to grab Kyungsoo’s shoulder.
“Kyungsoo-yah, what’s wrong?”
Baekhyun turned to him before reaching out for a pack of tissues in his bag. “Kyungsoo-yah?”
Kyungsoo sobbed helplessly into his hands and only had the strength to shake his head as an answer.
It pained him to know that Jongin would probably never change. That he would never believe in commitment. That Kyungsoo never had a chance to win his heart, even after he broke up with Luhan.
“Hey,” Baekhyun whispered earnestly as he wrapped an arm around Kyungsoo’s shoulder. “It’s alright. It’s alright, Kyungsoo-yah...”
Kyungsoo’s shoulders shook roughly everytime he sucked in deep breath and inwardly pitied himself.
Funny because he was used to say those soothing words to Jongin, and suddenly he was the one who was showered with those.
Kyungsoo honestly didn’t know if he was going to be alright.
He just wanted to see Jongin.
***
Another few weeks had passed like a breeze.
If he thought everything was going to be alright as simple as a magic trick, he was definitely wrong.
Kyungsoo had never felt this empty before.
He was about to go to the university when he noticed it was raining that morning. The doe eyed male stared at the pitter patter on the windowsill absentmindedly because it somehow reminded him of Jongin. It reminded him of everything, especially of his bad break up and his hidden face underneath the hoodie on the rainy night. It brought a bitter smile to Kyungsoo’s face and tears were threatening to spill over, but he managed not to. It had been a while since it happened and he told himself he wouldn’t cry ever again. Kyungsoo put on his jacket and his hand was already on the door knob when he heard someone knocking.
Kyungsoo swung the door opened without thinking.
“Hi.”
His eyes widened at the sight before him.
Jongin was clad in his hoodie and a pair of dark jeans. He still looked the same-handsome, charming and calm-except the fact that he looked even more miserable than the last time they met.
Kyungsoo gripped the door knob so tightly that his knuckles went white. His lips shivered slightly because he didn’t know what to say, and what made everything worse was that he wanted to run into Jongin’s arms. Because the male in front of him was the only person who would make him feel better.
“H-hi...”
Jongin pressed his lips into a thin line. “Can we talk for a moment?”
Kyungsoo’s breath became ragged and his face turned pale. It was weird because all this time, he wanted to see this person badly but when he was already standing before his eyes, he became scared. Jongin noticed the sudden change in his eyes and quickly pulled him into an embrace.
“I swear I want to just talk,” Jongin whispered desperately. “Please...don’t push me away this time...”
Kyungsoo put a hand on Jongin’s chest as an attempt to push him away, but he didn’t have the strength to. He relaxed after a few minutes and sighed softly against Jongin’s chest. Jongin could feel the older male nodding in his arms and lifted up his chin with a finger to meet their eyes.
“I met Luhan today.”
The tanned skin male could feel Kyungsoo stiffening in his arms and shook his head as a sign that he needn’t worry.
“He looked extremely happy.”
Jongin’s thumb brushed over his cheek and Kyungsoo closed his eyes instinctively.
“I asked him about his new boyfriend and he said they are engaged,” Jongin snorted into an amused smile. “Isn’t it funny? We had two years of relationship and I’ve never been ready. And then we broke up, and he found someone new in such a short time-someone he barely knew-and they already planned to get married.”
Kyungsoo held his breath. Not because of Luhan getting married, but because...they broke up. They really broke up. He tried to open his mouth to say something like why or how, but the only thing that was able to get out was, “Maybe...maybe they’re meant to be.”
Jongin smiled. “Maybe.”
Kyungsoo felt his heart thrummed loudly against his ribcage.
Jongin sighed and pressed their foreheads together. “But you know what’s more funny?”
Kyungsoo’s heart skipped a beat. “W-what?”
“I asked him what it feels like to belong to someone...to be committed to someone,” Jongin said quietly as he pulled away and swept a few strands of hair from Kyungsoo’s forehead before resting his thumb on Kyungsoo’s lips. “And he said it is wonderful. And he said that one day, when I feel it, I should hold on to that person.”
Then you should, Kyungsoo wanted to answer, but nothing came out.
“But that’s the funny thing. I had felt it the moment I saw him. I held on to that person. I held on to that person so bad that I wouldn’t want to commit.”
Jongin lowered his head to level himself with Kyungsoo’s gaze.
“I committed myself to you, Do Kyungsoo.”
Kyungsoo’s throat went dry.
“The reason why I wouldn’t want to go to the next step because I was afraid I would lose you. Everytime I break it off with Luhan, my mind would immediately fly to you, and this incredibly huge feeling I have toward you. But then I would remember that you don’t believe in relationships and it just stopped me. I know I was selfish for thinking that way, but the last time I fought with Luhan, I just realized that you are the one for me and no matter how much you hated relationships, I think I would be alright waiting for you until you’re willing to try...”
Kyungsoo looked up weakly and his expression was a mixture of disbelief and confusion.
“M-me...?”
“I want to be with you so badly, hyung. The fights with Luhan were just an excuse so that I could... I could have some time alone with you.”
Jongin bit his lip nervously and his black orbs reflected hope.
“If I ask you...no, I beg you to please believe in me...to give me a chance...will you say yes?”
Kyungsoo was overwhelmed with happiness that all he could do was sobbing in reply. “Is-is this real...?”
Jongin smiled and brought their lips together in the sweetest kiss. “Does it feel like a dream to you?”
Kyungsoo’s heart fluttered at the strange sensation. Their lips met once again, and this time, he didn’t want to push Jongin ever again. “A dream came true, yeah...”
Jongin raised his brows and chuckled lightly in return. He took Kyungsoo’s hand in his and laced their fingers together. Jongin stared at him fondly before trying again.
“Will you give me a chance? Will you try it with me?”
Kyungsoo felt so precious under the solemn gaze Jongin gave him.
“Yes...,” he cried happily. “Yes, Jongin-ah...”
End.
Jongin had another fight with Luhan and he really couldn’t take it anymore.
Luhan should really stop bringing Kyungsoo into all of their arguments and blamed the other male, because seriously he had nothing to do with their fight.
So they broke it up. Jongin was very angry that he told himself that this time, it was forever.
Jongin was about to go to Kyungsoo’s apartment because the only thing that could calm him down was Kyungsoo’s sincere smile and Kyungsoo’s warm arms. He liked to be hugged with those tiny, thin arms. It was the only thing that could dissipate all of his anger. And no matter how much Jongin wanted to stay badly forever in those arms, he never let himself because Kyungsoo didn’t believe in relationships and he just wouldn’t want to hope.
The tanned skin male met Baekhyun on the train station and the latter looked awful.
“Hyung?”
Baekhyun looked up to him and Jongin could tell that something was wrong. “J-Jongin-ah...”
“Are you alright?” Jongin frowned and put a hand on his shoulder.
Baekhyun opened his mouth but nothing came out. The male dropped his eyes to his shoes unsurely. “I...I don’t know.”
“What’s bothering you?” Jongin asked again because he hated to see Baekhyun like this. Even though they weren’t that close, but they were still friends.
Baekhyun smiled wryly. “Chanyeol...and Kyungsoo, I guess.”
Jongin’s mouth went dry at the mentioned names. He instinctively grabbed Baekhyun’s arm and caused the latter to gasp in surprise. “What’s with Chanyeol and Kyungsoo, hyung??”
“Th-they’re going out on a date,” Baekhyun stammered in fear at the sudden change of attitude from Jongin. “I think-I think it’s tonight...”
Jongin narrowed his eyes in dislike and grimaced. “They’re going out on a date?”
Baekhyun forced himself to smile and tried to drop the subject when the train arrived. He adjusted the strap of his bag. “Are you going?”
Jongin shook his head. “You go ahead, hyung. I got a phone call to make.”
“S-sure,” Baekhyun replied nervously and walked into the train. He waved a hand to Jongin’s direction and noticed a phone was already pressed against his ear. “See you.”
Jongin waved back at the older male. He waited patiently until his call was picked up and spoke without preamble.
“Chanyeol-hyung? I saw someone very suspicious trailed behind Baekhyun-hyung in the train and I think you should catch up to him very soon if you don’t want him to be hurt.”
He disconnected the call after that and snorted smugly to himself.
“Serves him right. No one shall date Do Kyungsoo other than me.”
Author: FloweryMisha
Pairing: KaiSoo
Warning: BoyxBoy love. Enough said.
Summary: Jongin didn’t believe in commitment. Kyungsoo didn’t believe in relationship.
[1]
Jongin still belonged to Luhan and Luhan still belonged to Jongin.
But sometimes, Kyungsoo thought the younger male belonged to him, too.
There were times when they were together with their friends without Luhan, and Jongin showed everyone that no one could touch Kyungsoo. Although it would show simply as an affection from Jongin because he cared for Kyungsoo-the way Junmyeon did for everyone, but Zitao was no fool. He was no fool because it was the same affection he did to Jongdae, or the same feelings radiated from Baekhyun toward Chanyeol. Heck, it probably surpassed Yifan’s affection toward Junmyeon.
Zitao knew Kyungsoo was doing a great job from hiding his feelings so that their friends hadn’t suspect a thing. It was such a cliche, really, Kyungsoo being lovesick over Jongin who was dating Luhan (and nobody was doing anything about it). But would it be fair to Kyungsoo if he kept on welcoming Jongin into his arms when the other male clearly had someone else? He wanted to talk to Kyungsoo privately, but never really had the chance to. Because whenever they met, Jongin would always be around and it was hard to approach Kyungsoo without getting a death glare from Jongin.
“Oh no,” Jongdae whined.
Zitao looked up from the magazine. “What’s wrong?”
“I ran out of shampoo,” Jongdae said with his puppy eyes. His boyfriend only put on a blank expression and only nodded in response before shifting his eyes back to the astrology page. “Baby, would you please go to the nearest convenient store to get it for me...?”
Zitao sighed in resignation because whenever Jongdae used his sweet, pleading tone, he knew he had lost. If he declined then it would usually end with Jongdae sulking for a week and he hated it. “...alright.”
“You’re the best boyfriend,” Jongdae grinned as he threw himself to Zitao’s lap and leaned forward to kiss the taller male. “Who knows, something good might happen tonight.”
Zitao snorted into a smile but kissed him back anyway. “Like what?”
“Like there would be a discount, buy one free one,” Jongdae took something out of his pocket and handed him a piece of paper. “Buy some snacks too, okay?”
Zitao eyed the paper questioningly. “...it wasn’t just shampoo?”
Jongdae flashed him an impish smile before kissing the Chinese male once again.
So Zitao, for the name of love, went to the supermarket he frequented and took an empty basket. He glanced briefly at the list of things he needed to buy and walked to the said aisle. When Zitao was done (thankfully it wasn’t that much) and he was about to head to the cashier to pay when he spotted Kyungsoo. At first he thought it was just his imagination, that it was someone else, but then he took a closer look and he was right.
It was really Kyungsoo.
Zitao hesitated for a moment because it seemed like the older male was also all by himself. Kyungsoo was still staring at the stack of canned foods in front of him blankly, a hand on his chest and the other hand holding a half filled basket. Zitao decided that he would not waste this opportunity, so he stalked forward to greet his friend.
“Hyung.”
Kyungsoo’s shoulder flinched slightly as he turned to Zitao. His lips curved into a smile when he noticed who had called him. “Hi, Zitao.”
Zitao raised a hand in response. “Are you alone?”
Kyungsoo stared at him strangely. “Yeah...? I mean, who else would I be with...?”
Jongin, was what Zitao wanted to reply but he only showed him an apologetic smile. “Just asking, hyung. I’m sorry.”
“It’s fine. Are you alone too?”
“Yeah. Chen’s at home.”
Kyungsoo chuckled. “It must be nice to be able to stay home and send your boyfriend out to do an errand for you...” He trailed off and absently took a can of tuna. Kyungsoo seemed to be lost in thoughts as he observed thoroughly at the canned food. Zitao opened his mouth to say something, but he wasn’t sure of what to say.
Silence descended upon them and after a few moments, Zitao decided to break it.
“I heard what happened with Chanyeol. I’m so sorry for that.”
Kyungsoo blinked. “What happened to him?”
Zitao frowned slightly. “You didn’t know?” When he received a headshake as an answer, he suddenly wasn’t sure if he should continue. Zitao cleared his throat awkwardly and scratched the back of his head. “He, uh...he got together with Baekhyun-hyung.”
“He did?” Kyungsoo beamed at him. “That’s good!”
Zitao blinked. “Really?”
“Yeah,” Kyungsoo waved a hand dismissively and looked a bit relieved. “I mean, he didn’t show up...and I know I’m boring. Besides, Baekhyun-hyung will make a good boyfriend for him.”
“Chanyeol didn’t...show up?”
“Yeah.”
“Oh.”
“Jongin did, though.”
Zitao’s head snapped back quickly to Kyungsoo. “Jongin showed up?”
Kyungsoo seemed to realize that he had made a mistake by mentioning the name and blanched. “I-I mean...”
How did he know?
“What did Jongin say?”
“He-he said nothing,” Kyungsoo stuttered and silently hoped Zitao would buy the lie. “He just-he just wanted to grab dinner but I told him I was waiting for Chanyeol...” Kyungsoo mentally panicked because he had never been the best at lying. He hated to lie. But there was just no way he could tell Zitao the truth.
Unfortunately, Zitao was able to see right through his lies.
“Hyung,” the Chinese male said quietly. “I think you should stop.”
Kyungsoo deadpanned. “Stop...?”
“You should stop doing this to yourself. Either you tell him or you stopped welcoming him whenever he has a fight with Luhan.”
Zitao said it so straight forwardly that Kyungsoo felt the words were like a hard slap on his face. Kyungsoo froze in his track and his heartbeat increased dramatically. Was he that obvious?
“How-how did-“
“You’re hurting yourself, hyung. You need to tell him that you love him.”
“I-“ Kyungsoo whispered in disbelief. “I can’t-“
“Then push him away.”
“He’s-“ Kyungsoo brought a trembling hand to his mouth. “He’s a friend, Zitao-“
“A friend who’s not in love with you.”
Kyungsoo gasped into his hand at the remark and took a step back. Tears were starting to form in the rim of his eyes as he stared at Zitao. He wanted to protest, he wanted to be angry at him for being so mean, but he knew what Zitao said was right. Everything was right.
Jongin wasn’t in love with him and he knew it. He had always known it. Then why did he keep on clinging to the false hope?
“Don’t,” Kyungsoo was pleading and warning at the same time.
Kyungsoo knew that he wasn’t the one Jongin fell in love with. He wasn’t the one he had a relationship with. Kyungsoo wasn’t the one for him.
“I have to,” Zitao sternly said. “Leave him.”
But no matter how hurt it was when the truth was shoved bluntly into his face, Kyungsoo wasn’t sure if he was going to be able to let Jongin go.
He didn’t even want to try.
***
A few days had passed and Kyungsoo had been locking himself in his apartment.
The doe eyed male wished spring break would be over soon, because then his days would be packed with schedules and exams and it might help taking his mind off of Jongin. And whenever his mind flew to Jongin, he would realize that it had been a few weeks since the last time the tanned skin male came to his apartment-which was good, because that meant everything was alright with Luhan. Zitao and Baekhyun had been calling him to get him out of the apartment, but he had always declined.
Because if they hang out, it would mean meeting Jongin and he just didn’t want to at the moment.
There were times when Kyungsoo felt he wouldn’t be able to make it, but he told himself he would last. Just a few more weeks and then he would probably forget about everything.
Days turned to a week and a week turned to two in a blink of an eye.
Kyungsoo definitely didn’t expect Jongin to be standing outside his apartment when he took the trash out that night. His whole body went numb and he wished it wasn’t too late to turn back and pretended he saw nothing, but it was too late. Jongin already spotted him and it would be very awkward if Kyungsoo turned around...
Jongin was leaning against the wall and Kyungsoo tried to act casually even though his hands were trembling.
“J-Jongin-ah?”
Dammit Kyungsoo control your voice.
Jongin gave him a gentle smile as he detached his back from the wall. “Hi, hyung.”
“What-what are you doing here?”
“I-“ Jongin paused for a while. “I just wanted to check on you...”
“I’m alright,” Kyungsoo replied quickly.
“Really?” Jongin seemed unconvinced. “I mean, you’ve been avoiding us lately...are you that busy?”
Not them. Just you.
“I’m glad you’re okay, though,” Jongin continued. “I came here this past few days, but I just-“
“This past few days?”
Jongin stopped talking and his expression went nonchalant. “...yeah.”
“You mean this past few days,” Kyungsoo said and his voice was trembling. “You came here and you didn’t...even knock at my door?”
What am I to you?
Jongin sighed softly. “I’m sorry, I thought-“
“Am I a substitute to you, Jongin-ah?”
Jongin went blank. “What?”
“Do you only come to me whenever you have a problem with Luhan?” Kyungsoo said flatly like he was strong, even though his soul was screaming inside. “So when everything’s alright, you just...can’t come to me...even just for a chat...?”
Jongin narrowed his eyes in dislike. “It’s not like that.”
“Then what is it?” Kyungsoo lifted up his chin to stare straight at Jongin. His eyes were full with unshed tears and deep sadness waved his entire body. He needed to know.
“You’re not a substitute,” Jongin said as he took a step closer. “You’ve never been.”
“Then what-“
“This.”
Jongin shut him up with a kiss.
Their lips were sloppily pressed together because Jongin didn’t get a good angle and Kyungsoo wasn’t ready at him lunging his way. Kyungsoo let out a muffled sound and almost stumbled backward, but Jongin snaked an arm around his waist and steadied both of their positions. Jongin refused to let go of his lips and continued their kiss.
All of Kyungsoo’s strength was drained with just a simple kiss and he held on dearly to Jongin’s arms. He didn’t know how long had it been since their lips touched and since when his eyes had closed. All he knew was that Jongin tasted sweet and Kyungsoo could smell his favorite cologne lingering in the air. After a moment that seemed like an eternity, Jongin finally pulled away, but their faces stayed close. Kyungsoo felt everything was spinning around but it didn’t take him very long to know that he wanted Jongin to leave.
Because it was wrong.
Jongin had Luhan.
“What are you doing?” Kyungsoo weakly cried as he pushed Jongin away with both of his hands. “Just-just leave-“
“No, hyung, please, listen to me-“
“Please, just leave-“
“I won’t leave until you hear me-“
“I’m not Luhan, okay??”
Kyungsoo never thought he would be able to say something so cruel like that.
Jongin was paralyzed for a moment at his words. He looked very shocked with what Kyungsoo had exclaimed and slowly took a step back. All of his efforts to grab Kyungsoo closer vanished instantly and the younger male sent him a hurtful look. “...what?”
“I-I’ll never be able to win from Luhan, won’t I?” Kyungsoo whispered painfully as he hugged himself. He maintained a safe distance between him and Jongin. Kyungsoo felt awful. What was it that he felt? “Why-why did you even kiss me?”
Jongin snorted in disbelief with his eyes widened. “What?”
“Who did you think about?” Kyungsoo’s eyes were teary and if he blinked, it would surely fall to his cheek. “Did you think...I would be like Luhan?”
It took Jongin at least a minute to register what the older male had said. He pressed a hand on his face and chuckled bitterly to himself. “Do you really despise a relationship that much? I’m just-goddammit, I’m not that low, hyung...”
Kyungsoo refused to look at Jongin and sobbed softly to himself. He waited for anything, anything, but nothing came. All he heard was the sound of footsteps fading away. Kyungsoo braved himself to look up and when he did, Jongin was nowhere to be found.
“Jongin,” he sobbed in exasperation. “Don’t leave...”
If his heart was broken badly before, this one was even worse.
Kyungsoo’s heart shattered into million pieces that he wasn’t sure if he would be able to make it whole again.
***
They stopped seeing each other.
This time, it was for real.
Kyungsoo was starting to hang out with Baekhyun and Zitao again, but there would be no Jongin anymore. He finally met Chanyeol and his hunch was right, Chanyeol looked perfect with Baekhyun instead of him. Kyungsoo had never seen the latter in such a wide smile before-Chanyeol must made him really happy. He caught Baekhyun sent him an apologetic stare which made him confused, because there was nothing to be sorry about. It wasn’t like he liked Chanyeol or the other way around...
Not seeing Jongin for the next few weeks made Kyungsoo calmed down a little bit. He took it as an opportunity to heal his heartbreak, his eternal wound. Slowly, but surely, he tried to get rid of his fear of relationships because there was just no way Jongin would be his. Kyungsoo let Zitao and the others introduced him to a few guys, but whenever they asked him out, he backed away. He realized that he wasn’t ready. That he still needed some time. That his heart was damaged severely that he had no idea how to heal it.
How could he, when Jongin was all he thought about?
Kyungsoo sincerely wished Jongin would be happy forever with Luhan.
“It’s such a shame they broke up, though,” Baekhyun said with a slight pout. “I mean, they look good together...”
Kyungsoo didn’t really pay attention to what Baekhyun and Jongdae was talking about. That day, Zitao was the one who couldn’t make it because he still had his class. He was resting his chin on the heels of his palms when Jongdae replied.
“Yeah, but Luhan seems very happy with his new boyfriend now...”
Kyungsoo’s eyes widened at Jongdae’s words and immediately straightened in his seat. “Did you-did you just say Luhan?”
“Yeah.”
“He-he has a new boyfriend?”
Jongdae nodded. “His new boyfriend is the same age as Jongin, though...”
“What? How-how long has it been since they...broke up...?”
Baekhyun looked thoughtful as he pressed a finger on his lips. “Several weeks ago...? A week or two after me and Chanyeol started dating, I think...”
Kyungsoo froze in his track. Several weeks ago...?
“Why-why did they break up...?”
“Same reason, I guess,” Jongdae grimaced. “That Jongin doesn’t believe in commitment...”
Kyungsoo wished he would hear any other reason but that. Disappointment seeped into his heart and he tried to act casual like it was no big deal. Jongdae and Baekhyun soon dropped the subject and talked about something else, but it wasn’t that easy for Kyungsoo. He couldn’t stop thinking about it because several weeks ago meant that the timeline fit the time when Jongin came to his apartment.
Why did he kiss me then...?
Kyungsoo was so confused with everything and with what he felt that he didn’t even realize that tears were already streaming down his cheeks. Jongdae was the first one to notice and his eyes widened in surprise as he leaned forward to grab Kyungsoo’s shoulder.
“Kyungsoo-yah, what’s wrong?”
Baekhyun turned to him before reaching out for a pack of tissues in his bag. “Kyungsoo-yah?”
Kyungsoo sobbed helplessly into his hands and only had the strength to shake his head as an answer.
It pained him to know that Jongin would probably never change. That he would never believe in commitment. That Kyungsoo never had a chance to win his heart, even after he broke up with Luhan.
“Hey,” Baekhyun whispered earnestly as he wrapped an arm around Kyungsoo’s shoulder. “It’s alright. It’s alright, Kyungsoo-yah...”
Kyungsoo’s shoulders shook roughly everytime he sucked in deep breath and inwardly pitied himself.
Funny because he was used to say those soothing words to Jongin, and suddenly he was the one who was showered with those.
Kyungsoo honestly didn’t know if he was going to be alright.
He just wanted to see Jongin.
***
Another few weeks had passed like a breeze.
If he thought everything was going to be alright as simple as a magic trick, he was definitely wrong.
Kyungsoo had never felt this empty before.
He was about to go to the university when he noticed it was raining that morning. The doe eyed male stared at the pitter patter on the windowsill absentmindedly because it somehow reminded him of Jongin. It reminded him of everything, especially of his bad break up and his hidden face underneath the hoodie on the rainy night. It brought a bitter smile to Kyungsoo’s face and tears were threatening to spill over, but he managed not to. It had been a while since it happened and he told himself he wouldn’t cry ever again. Kyungsoo put on his jacket and his hand was already on the door knob when he heard someone knocking.
Kyungsoo swung the door opened without thinking.
“Hi.”
His eyes widened at the sight before him.
Jongin was clad in his hoodie and a pair of dark jeans. He still looked the same-handsome, charming and calm-except the fact that he looked even more miserable than the last time they met.
Kyungsoo gripped the door knob so tightly that his knuckles went white. His lips shivered slightly because he didn’t know what to say, and what made everything worse was that he wanted to run into Jongin’s arms. Because the male in front of him was the only person who would make him feel better.
“H-hi...”
Jongin pressed his lips into a thin line. “Can we talk for a moment?”
Kyungsoo’s breath became ragged and his face turned pale. It was weird because all this time, he wanted to see this person badly but when he was already standing before his eyes, he became scared. Jongin noticed the sudden change in his eyes and quickly pulled him into an embrace.
“I swear I want to just talk,” Jongin whispered desperately. “Please...don’t push me away this time...”
Kyungsoo put a hand on Jongin’s chest as an attempt to push him away, but he didn’t have the strength to. He relaxed after a few minutes and sighed softly against Jongin’s chest. Jongin could feel the older male nodding in his arms and lifted up his chin with a finger to meet their eyes.
“I met Luhan today.”
The tanned skin male could feel Kyungsoo stiffening in his arms and shook his head as a sign that he needn’t worry.
“He looked extremely happy.”
Jongin’s thumb brushed over his cheek and Kyungsoo closed his eyes instinctively.
“I asked him about his new boyfriend and he said they are engaged,” Jongin snorted into an amused smile. “Isn’t it funny? We had two years of relationship and I’ve never been ready. And then we broke up, and he found someone new in such a short time-someone he barely knew-and they already planned to get married.”
Kyungsoo held his breath. Not because of Luhan getting married, but because...they broke up. They really broke up. He tried to open his mouth to say something like why or how, but the only thing that was able to get out was, “Maybe...maybe they’re meant to be.”
Jongin smiled. “Maybe.”
Kyungsoo felt his heart thrummed loudly against his ribcage.
Jongin sighed and pressed their foreheads together. “But you know what’s more funny?”
Kyungsoo’s heart skipped a beat. “W-what?”
“I asked him what it feels like to belong to someone...to be committed to someone,” Jongin said quietly as he pulled away and swept a few strands of hair from Kyungsoo’s forehead before resting his thumb on Kyungsoo’s lips. “And he said it is wonderful. And he said that one day, when I feel it, I should hold on to that person.”
Then you should, Kyungsoo wanted to answer, but nothing came out.
“But that’s the funny thing. I had felt it the moment I saw him. I held on to that person. I held on to that person so bad that I wouldn’t want to commit.”
Jongin lowered his head to level himself with Kyungsoo’s gaze.
“I committed myself to you, Do Kyungsoo.”
Kyungsoo’s throat went dry.
“The reason why I wouldn’t want to go to the next step because I was afraid I would lose you. Everytime I break it off with Luhan, my mind would immediately fly to you, and this incredibly huge feeling I have toward you. But then I would remember that you don’t believe in relationships and it just stopped me. I know I was selfish for thinking that way, but the last time I fought with Luhan, I just realized that you are the one for me and no matter how much you hated relationships, I think I would be alright waiting for you until you’re willing to try...”
Kyungsoo looked up weakly and his expression was a mixture of disbelief and confusion.
“M-me...?”
“I want to be with you so badly, hyung. The fights with Luhan were just an excuse so that I could... I could have some time alone with you.”
Jongin bit his lip nervously and his black orbs reflected hope.
“If I ask you...no, I beg you to please believe in me...to give me a chance...will you say yes?”
Kyungsoo was overwhelmed with happiness that all he could do was sobbing in reply. “Is-is this real...?”
Jongin smiled and brought their lips together in the sweetest kiss. “Does it feel like a dream to you?”
Kyungsoo’s heart fluttered at the strange sensation. Their lips met once again, and this time, he didn’t want to push Jongin ever again. “A dream came true, yeah...”
Jongin raised his brows and chuckled lightly in return. He took Kyungsoo’s hand in his and laced their fingers together. Jongin stared at him fondly before trying again.
“Will you give me a chance? Will you try it with me?”
Kyungsoo felt so precious under the solemn gaze Jongin gave him.
“Yes...,” he cried happily. “Yes, Jongin-ah...”
End.
Jongin had another fight with Luhan and he really couldn’t take it anymore.
Luhan should really stop bringing Kyungsoo into all of their arguments and blamed the other male, because seriously he had nothing to do with their fight.
So they broke it up. Jongin was very angry that he told himself that this time, it was forever.
Jongin was about to go to Kyungsoo’s apartment because the only thing that could calm him down was Kyungsoo’s sincere smile and Kyungsoo’s warm arms. He liked to be hugged with those tiny, thin arms. It was the only thing that could dissipate all of his anger. And no matter how much Jongin wanted to stay badly forever in those arms, he never let himself because Kyungsoo didn’t believe in relationships and he just wouldn’t want to hope.
The tanned skin male met Baekhyun on the train station and the latter looked awful.
“Hyung?”
Baekhyun looked up to him and Jongin could tell that something was wrong. “J-Jongin-ah...”
“Are you alright?” Jongin frowned and put a hand on his shoulder.
Baekhyun opened his mouth but nothing came out. The male dropped his eyes to his shoes unsurely. “I...I don’t know.”
“What’s bothering you?” Jongin asked again because he hated to see Baekhyun like this. Even though they weren’t that close, but they were still friends.
Baekhyun smiled wryly. “Chanyeol...and Kyungsoo, I guess.”
Jongin’s mouth went dry at the mentioned names. He instinctively grabbed Baekhyun’s arm and caused the latter to gasp in surprise. “What’s with Chanyeol and Kyungsoo, hyung??”
“Th-they’re going out on a date,” Baekhyun stammered in fear at the sudden change of attitude from Jongin. “I think-I think it’s tonight...”
Jongin narrowed his eyes in dislike and grimaced. “They’re going out on a date?”
Baekhyun forced himself to smile and tried to drop the subject when the train arrived. He adjusted the strap of his bag. “Are you going?”
Jongin shook his head. “You go ahead, hyung. I got a phone call to make.”
“S-sure,” Baekhyun replied nervously and walked into the train. He waved a hand to Jongin’s direction and noticed a phone was already pressed against his ear. “See you.”
Jongin waved back at the older male. He waited patiently until his call was picked up and spoke without preamble.
“Chanyeol-hyung? I saw someone very suspicious trailed behind Baekhyun-hyung in the train and I think you should catch up to him very soon if you don’t want him to be hurt.”
He disconnected the call after that and snorted smugly to himself.
“Serves him right. No one shall date Do Kyungsoo other than me.”