Waiting for distance and buying some time
It was amazing the sort of things you could manage to hold inside when you were confronted with your past. Xander Harris. Boyfriend, former. Alot of time had passed since we'd last seen eachother but sometimes I looked at that reassuring smile and it felt like old times. It would never be like old times again though. Buffy, his hero, was gone. Something cold and dead and seriously skanky taking over her body. Angel, my....well, my whole reason for everything was gone. The thing that I feared most taking over his body. And seriously? Can someone tell me what is up with the vampire fashion statement? Have they been raiding Faith's closet for the leather pants or what? Just saying.
I came so close too, came so close to just letting the tears fall and confessing to Xander just how completely terrified I was. Then I remembered that not only had an unGodly amount of time passed since I'd last spoken with Xander, but also? I was the girl who held everything together. It was my job when Angel was still around, and it was going to be my job now. Besides, the raging pessimism in this house was enough to last me oh, about ten years. Not that I thought I'd be around in ten years. Not with the way things were going around here lately.
Angel was just...gone. It really hit me, especially being back in Sunnydale, how much he had impacted my life. Before him? I was pretty much just the next leading porno actress. Okay! You were thinking it! I was going to have to find some way to pay the rent and for as much hope as I clung to? I knew from day one that the actress gig was never really going to pan out for me. But then all in one night, I got attacked by a vampire and Angel saved me. My life was never the same after that. The visions. I finally had a reason, Doyle had given me that. It changed my entire life, and for the better. Helping Angel, helping him find redemption and help the hopeless. That was my reason.
Now there was nothing left of it. I still had the visions, sure. But now there was no champion. I mean, unless you counted Faith. And by the way? So not. I couldn't help but feel the sting of irritation that came with whatever the hell she was hiding upstairs. Xander had the most guilty look on his face, and trust me when I say I recognized that look very well. I'd go upstairs and barge in on her later. If Angelus and Buffy had gotten ahold of her, I couldn't completely blame her for wanting to hide for a little while. Hell, I wanted to hide. Not looking like an option these days though. No hiding for Cordelia. Just more bright smiles and encouraging nods. Because that was what I did.
The phone call that Angelus had made here earlier, still chilled me as I looked out through the living room window into the dark night outside. They were there, somewhere. I mean not there there, I was psychic but not that good. Speaking of the visions? I couldn't even remember the last time I'd had one. I hadn't had one since before Angel turned. Maybe they were really gone for good? The thought terrified me as I looked out the window. I was still half demon, so I knew I could kick a little butt when the butt kicking came. Not that I was stupid enough to take on Buffy or Angelus- but I could still protect myself. Beyond that? I wasn't sure what my purpose was if I didn't have the visions anymore.
"Really could use a little help right now." I muttered under my breath as I looked up towards the dark heavens outside. Great, leave it to the powers that sit on their behinds to leave us grappling in the dark this time. Thanks alot. I'd be sure to send a fruit basket. Or not.
With a sigh I sank down on the couch, because I knew there was no point in going upstairs to bed. First off, Fred? Major covers hog. Second off? How the hell could anyone sleep at a time like this? Well, they had to, that was why. Faith and Wesley and Fred needed their rest. Me? I'd learned a long time ago that suffering just comes along with the gig. How I sorely missed the person manpire that had taught me that.
If it wasn't for Wesley, I was sure I'd be eating a helping of crazy flakes for breakfast. A balanced meal chock full of vitamin insane-o.
I came so close too, came so close to just letting the tears fall and confessing to Xander just how completely terrified I was. Then I remembered that not only had an unGodly amount of time passed since I'd last spoken with Xander, but also? I was the girl who held everything together. It was my job when Angel was still around, and it was going to be my job now. Besides, the raging pessimism in this house was enough to last me oh, about ten years. Not that I thought I'd be around in ten years. Not with the way things were going around here lately.
Angel was just...gone. It really hit me, especially being back in Sunnydale, how much he had impacted my life. Before him? I was pretty much just the next leading porno actress. Okay! You were thinking it! I was going to have to find some way to pay the rent and for as much hope as I clung to? I knew from day one that the actress gig was never really going to pan out for me. But then all in one night, I got attacked by a vampire and Angel saved me. My life was never the same after that. The visions. I finally had a reason, Doyle had given me that. It changed my entire life, and for the better. Helping Angel, helping him find redemption and help the hopeless. That was my reason.
Now there was nothing left of it. I still had the visions, sure. But now there was no champion. I mean, unless you counted Faith. And by the way? So not. I couldn't help but feel the sting of irritation that came with whatever the hell she was hiding upstairs. Xander had the most guilty look on his face, and trust me when I say I recognized that look very well. I'd go upstairs and barge in on her later. If Angelus and Buffy had gotten ahold of her, I couldn't completely blame her for wanting to hide for a little while. Hell, I wanted to hide. Not looking like an option these days though. No hiding for Cordelia. Just more bright smiles and encouraging nods. Because that was what I did.
The phone call that Angelus had made here earlier, still chilled me as I looked out through the living room window into the dark night outside. They were there, somewhere. I mean not there there, I was psychic but not that good. Speaking of the visions? I couldn't even remember the last time I'd had one. I hadn't had one since before Angel turned. Maybe they were really gone for good? The thought terrified me as I looked out the window. I was still half demon, so I knew I could kick a little butt when the butt kicking came. Not that I was stupid enough to take on Buffy or Angelus- but I could still protect myself. Beyond that? I wasn't sure what my purpose was if I didn't have the visions anymore.
"Really could use a little help right now." I muttered under my breath as I looked up towards the dark heavens outside. Great, leave it to the powers that sit on their behinds to leave us grappling in the dark this time. Thanks alot. I'd be sure to send a fruit basket. Or not.
With a sigh I sank down on the couch, because I knew there was no point in going upstairs to bed. First off, Fred? Major covers hog. Second off? How the hell could anyone sleep at a time like this? Well, they had to, that was why. Faith and Wesley and Fred needed their rest. Me? I'd learned a long time ago that suffering just comes along with the gig. How I sorely missed the person manpire that had taught me that.
If it wasn't for Wesley, I was sure I'd be eating a helping of crazy flakes for breakfast. A balanced meal chock full of vitamin insane-o.