(no subject)
Few things rarely fall into their proper places, but every once in a while you have a stroke of luck. You spend a lifetime - your lifetime at least, for as long as it's been - doing your best at being a very good human being. Listening. Counceling. Being the best friend that those other people will ever have - or at least the best friend they'll have while they regard you as their acquaintance. You let them leech more than just a little of your energy and time, and you spend far more on them in addition to what they take: it makes you feel good to be needed, to be something on which the other person depends.
When you grow out of it, after the initial butthurt of knowing you've been taken advantage of for all those years because you were a willing victim that just sucked up the hard times like the one form of attention you received in return for your hard work - after that, you sort of come to terms with what's been going on, and you grow a little as a person from those trials, and you promise to take better care of yourself. After that you either learn the hard way or just come to realize as you're thinking about it, that you not only had yourself to blame for the earlier mess but that you were the goddamn instigator of it too: you created that dependency all on your own in order to be the "only one" for all those people. Making people dependent on something can be convenient when that thing is yourself, because the self-gratification is of course deeply rewarding for a weak confidence. So really; not only do you have to feel guilty, or at least a little bit ashamed, for having been your own fool, but you're also quite suddenly the author of somebody elses pain. Or at least their sick dependencies on you. No wonder they leave so bloody quickly, I say, because who in their right mind would stay in any sort of relationship - romantic or otherwise - in which they're being tied down like a snared animal with no other choice but to take everything from you? It's hard to justify any feelings of hurt for being abandoned when you yourself are the instigator of the relationship's demise from the very beginning.
You can't really do anything about this new knowledge but smack yourself upside the head because of your own ineptitude, a bit guiltily try to blame it on the inexperience of youth, and then hurriedly move along with your life.
Perhaps - or hopefully - after such a realization, a person may function a bit better: the gears and cogs are a bit more complex after the exchange, and the process of their movement a slower, more patient grind. The overall built of the machinery is sturdier, more robust, to help minimize the consequences of life's blunt force traumas. Oh come on, don't be silly: life is a martial arts professional with a black belt in Fucking You Up - if you pardon the obscure and slightly modified Dr Tran reference. Just because we get older doesn't mean it'll stop lobbing sticks into the machinery to put us in new, interesting situations. It wouldn't really be life otherwise, would it? But hopefully that you-machine will be allowed to tick along for a little while the way the blueprint suggests it should. I dare almost say that's what's happening right now to my former train-wreck of a me-machine. It's not like Thomas the Tank-Engine just yet, but more like the Little Train That Could. You know, the tiny locomotive that keeps on getting uphill tasks and repeating the mantra "I think I can, I think I can!" (and in the end, he could). At least I'm hoping it's like that.
At the time of writing I'm at work. There's a children's play going on behind my back, just a wooden door away, and there's dancing and that slightly Silent Hill-esque type of music that seems to capture children's attention so well, and an oven that bakes balloons, and I have a couple more minutes to finish this up as the brilliant people on a red carped stage burst into a dramatic tango while wearing clown's make-up. The theater baby. I've always loved being on the stage myself, but I never had any idea that working behind and in front of it could be such a rewarding thing as well. I have an amazing boss - we all do - and the people you get to meet daily are novel and inspiring characters. I've built a stage and installed the lamp rigging. I've hung fifteen meter drapes, and I've had a sub-woofer fall on my shoulder from the ceiling (don't worry, it was secured by a metal wire, it was fine). I don't know if I like the physical labour best, or ushering people to their seats and hanging some 140 coats on numbered hangers in fifteen minutes (not to mention their matching hats and handbags and small dogs most certainly hidden away in a pocket somewhere). People are great and working here, even as an hourly, is incredibly stimulating when most of my days are usually spent at a desk, cramming maths. This suit jacked is a size or two too small, but the pay is very good, and I'm happy. I've told a few people, but I'm so strangely at peace with everything that's going on around me that I'm almost looking for pitfalls on my path ahead: life is never usually this good to me without an ulterior motive.
Over-analyzing your current situation is always ill advised, but perhaps having solved the "riddle" of a bad past one can avoid repeating ones mistakes. So let's give our loved ones a little freedom to move around without us, and I'm pretty sure they won't feel trapped together with us. It's true that some people enjoy the rigidity of a master relationship.. but I daresay that's different from total dependency. Take a little look at what's going on.
Edit: What a load of crap writing. Hurt me, please.
When you grow out of it, after the initial butthurt of knowing you've been taken advantage of for all those years because you were a willing victim that just sucked up the hard times like the one form of attention you received in return for your hard work - after that, you sort of come to terms with what's been going on, and you grow a little as a person from those trials, and you promise to take better care of yourself. After that you either learn the hard way or just come to realize as you're thinking about it, that you not only had yourself to blame for the earlier mess but that you were the goddamn instigator of it too: you created that dependency all on your own in order to be the "only one" for all those people. Making people dependent on something can be convenient when that thing is yourself, because the self-gratification is of course deeply rewarding for a weak confidence. So really; not only do you have to feel guilty, or at least a little bit ashamed, for having been your own fool, but you're also quite suddenly the author of somebody elses pain. Or at least their sick dependencies on you. No wonder they leave so bloody quickly, I say, because who in their right mind would stay in any sort of relationship - romantic or otherwise - in which they're being tied down like a snared animal with no other choice but to take everything from you? It's hard to justify any feelings of hurt for being abandoned when you yourself are the instigator of the relationship's demise from the very beginning.
You can't really do anything about this new knowledge but smack yourself upside the head because of your own ineptitude, a bit guiltily try to blame it on the inexperience of youth, and then hurriedly move along with your life.
Perhaps - or hopefully - after such a realization, a person may function a bit better: the gears and cogs are a bit more complex after the exchange, and the process of their movement a slower, more patient grind. The overall built of the machinery is sturdier, more robust, to help minimize the consequences of life's blunt force traumas. Oh come on, don't be silly: life is a martial arts professional with a black belt in Fucking You Up - if you pardon the obscure and slightly modified Dr Tran reference. Just because we get older doesn't mean it'll stop lobbing sticks into the machinery to put us in new, interesting situations. It wouldn't really be life otherwise, would it? But hopefully that you-machine will be allowed to tick along for a little while the way the blueprint suggests it should. I dare almost say that's what's happening right now to my former train-wreck of a me-machine. It's not like Thomas the Tank-Engine just yet, but more like the Little Train That Could. You know, the tiny locomotive that keeps on getting uphill tasks and repeating the mantra "I think I can, I think I can!" (and in the end, he could). At least I'm hoping it's like that.
At the time of writing I'm at work. There's a children's play going on behind my back, just a wooden door away, and there's dancing and that slightly Silent Hill-esque type of music that seems to capture children's attention so well, and an oven that bakes balloons, and I have a couple more minutes to finish this up as the brilliant people on a red carped stage burst into a dramatic tango while wearing clown's make-up. The theater baby. I've always loved being on the stage myself, but I never had any idea that working behind and in front of it could be such a rewarding thing as well. I have an amazing boss - we all do - and the people you get to meet daily are novel and inspiring characters. I've built a stage and installed the lamp rigging. I've hung fifteen meter drapes, and I've had a sub-woofer fall on my shoulder from the ceiling (don't worry, it was secured by a metal wire, it was fine). I don't know if I like the physical labour best, or ushering people to their seats and hanging some 140 coats on numbered hangers in fifteen minutes (not to mention their matching hats and handbags and small dogs most certainly hidden away in a pocket somewhere). People are great and working here, even as an hourly, is incredibly stimulating when most of my days are usually spent at a desk, cramming maths. This suit jacked is a size or two too small, but the pay is very good, and I'm happy. I've told a few people, but I'm so strangely at peace with everything that's going on around me that I'm almost looking for pitfalls on my path ahead: life is never usually this good to me without an ulterior motive.
Over-analyzing your current situation is always ill advised, but perhaps having solved the "riddle" of a bad past one can avoid repeating ones mistakes. So let's give our loved ones a little freedom to move around without us, and I'm pretty sure they won't feel trapped together with us. It's true that some people enjoy the rigidity of a master relationship.. but I daresay that's different from total dependency. Take a little look at what's going on.
Edit: What a load of crap writing. Hurt me, please.