its so much easier if i hate you
i needed this weekend. really bad. now i know all the things i just couldn't bring my self to realise before. and now that he knows that i know everything he tried to hide, he's running from me. he won't answer my calls, and everytime he gets on line and sees that i'm online, he gets off really fast. last night i didn't know what else to do. it's so horrible. because i have no where else to run to. he's all that i had. now i don't have any thing. it was so much easier to just give in. but i still woke up this morning, alive. i don't know why, but i just won't die. god damn it. just won't fucking die.
October 11, 2004 @ 10:14 p.m.
I feel so alone. I have no where left to turn. Theres no one to run to. Everything I thought I knew was just one big lie. Everything i thought I had was false and untrue. I have nothing left. I really am alone in this world. it wasn't the boyfriend/girlfriend thing that kept me calling. it was our friendship. it was him. he was there, he listened, and he cared. he told me how beautiful i was and how perfect i am. he told me i deserve the world, and that i can do any thing i want. he told me it wasn't my fault, and he told me why i shouldn't give up. he told me i had a reason for being here. he stopped me in my tracks. he believed in me. but the was in the beginning, so long ago. Now I know it's all lies. I'm so crushed. I don't think anyone's ever treated me this way. How could he do this to me? I did everything i could to be there for him, and listen to him, and to help him. This is how he repays me? Maybe I should have let him die. Maybe he should have let me die. I wish he would just disappear. I wish that I could erase him, and my memory of him from my whole life and move on. I wish I could hate him. But I can't. Damn it I just can't. Why? Why do I keep returning to this? Why did he lie to me? How can somebody treat another person this way? I never thought somebody could consiously hurt another this way. I just don't see how somebody could inflict so much pain on purpose. I've broke my share of hearts but never on purpose like this. I should have believed him when he said he is cold hearted and black. He lied. He never cared about me and he never loved me. And why would he? look at me. i don't deserve him. I knew it was too good to be true. I'll never get that shot to be undeniably and sublimely happy. it'll never come to me.I should just die. because i'll wake up tomro and it'll all be the same, and the next day and the next. This is my life, and i can't live it any more. not one more day. i hurt so bad right now, and all i want is him to comfort me i want him to hold me. and this time it's all his fault. this time i blame him.
I need help. somebody please help me.
October 11, 2004 @ 10:14 p.m.
I feel so alone. I have no where left to turn. Theres no one to run to. Everything I thought I knew was just one big lie. Everything i thought I had was false and untrue. I have nothing left. I really am alone in this world. it wasn't the boyfriend/girlfriend thing that kept me calling. it was our friendship. it was him. he was there, he listened, and he cared. he told me how beautiful i was and how perfect i am. he told me i deserve the world, and that i can do any thing i want. he told me it wasn't my fault, and he told me why i shouldn't give up. he told me i had a reason for being here. he stopped me in my tracks. he believed in me. but the was in the beginning, so long ago. Now I know it's all lies. I'm so crushed. I don't think anyone's ever treated me this way. How could he do this to me? I did everything i could to be there for him, and listen to him, and to help him. This is how he repays me? Maybe I should have let him die. Maybe he should have let me die. I wish he would just disappear. I wish that I could erase him, and my memory of him from my whole life and move on. I wish I could hate him. But I can't. Damn it I just can't. Why? Why do I keep returning to this? Why did he lie to me? How can somebody treat another person this way? I never thought somebody could consiously hurt another this way. I just don't see how somebody could inflict so much pain on purpose. I've broke my share of hearts but never on purpose like this. I should have believed him when he said he is cold hearted and black. He lied. He never cared about me and he never loved me. And why would he? look at me. i don't deserve him. I knew it was too good to be true. I'll never get that shot to be undeniably and sublimely happy. it'll never come to me.I should just die. because i'll wake up tomro and it'll all be the same, and the next day and the next. This is my life, and i can't live it any more. not one more day. i hurt so bad right now, and all i want is him to comfort me i want him to hold me. and this time it's all his fault. this time i blame him.
I need help. somebody please help me.