Harry Potter Parody
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban in Fifteen
Minutes
Disclaimer and actual opinion: I thought the movie was
brilliant, which means it was extremely difficult to
parody, as it was already 1) good and 2) intentionally
funny, so don't expect great things from this one. I’m
going to warn you up front: despite-or maybe because
of-being a parody of a children’s movie, this contains
strong language and adult humor. Many thanks, once
again, to the Movie Spoiler for invaluable help in
keeping the plot straight.
ETA: Corrections and additions are listed here. If
you've never read "HP & POA in Fifteen Minutes"
before, don't worry about it.
Some Dark Bedroom
HARRY: *plays with his wand in the middle of the
night*
MR. DURSLEY: Stop playing with your wand in the middle
of the night, boy!
HARRY: *won't stop playing with his wand in the middle
of the night*
CLEO: Uh…
THE LOVELY EMILY: Dude, I KNOW.
Aunt Marge Comes to Visit
AUNT MARGE: Carry my luggage, boy!
HARRY: …
AUNT MARGE: Clean my plate, boy!
HARRY: …
AUNT MARGE: Come back and listen to my insults, boy!
HARRY: …
AUNT MARGE: Your mother was a bitch!
AUNT MARGE'S GLASS: *explodes*
MR. DURSLEY: Oh, shit.
AUNT MARGE: …and your father was a drunk!
HARRY: I KEEL YOU!
AUNT MARGE: *spontaneously Violet Beauregards and
floats away into the sky*
DUDLEY: *drools*
Five minutes later, Harry stomps down with his trunk
packed.
MR. DURSLEY: YOU DEFLATE YOUR AUNT RIGHT NOW!
HARRY: FUCK ALL Y’ALL AND THIS POPSICLE STAND!
AUNT MARGE IN THE DISTANCE: AHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Some Dark Street
Harry storms off into the night dragging his trunk,
apparently having left his owl to the Dursleys’ tender
mercies.
HP FANS: OMGWTFHEDWIG!
SOME DARK AND SCARY SWING SET: *swings*
SOME DARK AND SCARY SEESAW: *saws*
SOME SCARY BLACK DOG: Rrrrrr! Black dog, I'm a BLACK
dog!
HARRY: Okay, maybe I didn't think this all the way
through.
The Knight Bus arrives, which is for some reason
piloted by a legally blind man and a shrunken head. ON
CRACK. Stan Shunpike heaves Harry’s trunk on board.
STAN: This 'ere newspaper says-
KNIGHT BUS: ZOOM!
STAN: -that Sirius Black is a psycho killer escaped
from-
KNIGHT BUS: VEER!
STAN: -Azkaban, the terrible prison for wizards, and
is dangerous and-
KNIGHT BUS: DEATH-DEFY!
STAN: -on the loose and one of You-Know-Who's most
faithful supporters and probably out looking for a boy
wizard to kill!
HARRY [peeling his face off the window]: You done with
the trip to the Department of Back Story?
STAN: Yeah, I think so. NEXT STOP LEAKY CAULDRON!
The Leaky Cauldron
CORNELIUS FUDGE: *has a Ministry of Magic office in
the middle of a tavern for some reason*
HARRY: Hedwig! You made it!
HEDWIG: Love you too, bitch.
FUDGE: So! Harry! Bit of illegal magic there that we
usually expel students for! No worries, all cleaned
up, be on your way now!
HUNCHBACK: Mr. Potter! Saaanctuaaary!
HARRY: Y'all. Are such. Freaks.
HUNCHBACK: ONE OF US! ONE OF US!
HARRY: *runs*
Room 11, The Leaky Cauldron
Fudge has helpfully bought all of Harry's new school
books.
THE MONSTER BOOK OF MONSTERS: *eats Harry's face*
HARRY: I shall stomp on you and tie you up and name
you Fizgig.
THE MONSTER BOOK OF MONSTERS: AHahAHahAHahAH!
The Leaky Cauldron, The Next Day
RON AND HERMIONE: *bicker bicker Scabbers plot point
bicker*
WANTED POSTER: RAAAA! LOOK AT ME! I'M SO CRAZY! I'M
CRAZY GARY OLDMAN!
MR. WEASLEY: Harry, there's something I'm not supposed
to tell you that I've gotta tell you.
HARRY: Okay, shoot.
MR. WEASLEY: Sirius Black is specifically coming to
kill you. Promise me that whatever terrible and
infuriating things anyone says, you won't go after
him.
HARRY: Should I ask follow-up questions about this?
MR. WEASLEY: Not unless you want to get down to the
bottom of the mystery in the first fifteen minutes of
the movie.
HARRY: Oh, okay.
WANTED POSTER: SO CRAZY!
The Hogwarts Express
MRS. WEASLEY [with Scabbers]: OMG RON! DON'T FORGET
YOUR PLOT POINT!
HARRY: Guys, I have something really freaky to tell
you! Shall we sit in the train car with the drunk
sleeping under a coat?
HERMIONE: Sure, might as well.
HARRY: Rock. So, Sirius Black is coming to kill me and
stuff.
WINDOW: *frosts over*
DRUNK’S BOTTLE: *freezes*
RON: OMG we’re going into a new ice age! Everybody
start burning books!
SCARY SHRIVELED HAND: *pulls open door*
DEMENTOR: SHIIIIIRE…. BAAAAAGGINS….
KIDS: AHHHHHHH!
DEMENTOR: *dements*
HARRY: *pitches a spaz*
RON AND HERMIONE: Help! Somebody help!
DRUNK: …
RON AND HERMIONE: SOMEBODY HELP, GODDAMMIT! GO DEMENT
THE DRUNK OR SOMETHING!
DRUNK LUPIN [leaping up]: I am no drunk! I am your
pitifully mysterious new professor who takes his
sweet-ass time coming to the aid of his new students!
BACK, YOU DEVIL!
DEMENTOR: *flees*
LUPIN: Here, eat this chocolate.
Great Hall, Hogwarts
GROOVY NEW DUMBLEDORE: Many thanks to the Richard
Harris Memorial Toad Choir for that lovely
performance. Greetings, salutations, and what up: I
will be your new Dumbledore this year, which I'm sure
will be fabulous despite the presence of a few hundred
undernourished ringwraiths on the premises. Hagrid
will be taking over the Care of Magical Creatures
class despite having no teaching credentials
whatsoever, and also, we have a new teacher, Professor
Lupin, to fill our cursed Defense of the Dark Arts
spot. Good luck making it through the year alive,
Remus!
SNAPE: *gives Lupin the stink-eye*
LUPIN: Oh, I feel at home already.
Gryffindor Boys’ Dormitory
The boys eat candy, roar like wild animals, and have a
pillow fight.
DEMENTOR FLOATING AROUND HOGWARTS: I think I saw a
porno like this once.
Divination Class
TRELAWNEY: Ooooooh! Aaaaaaah! There is totally a big
scary black dog following you!
HARRY: You get paid for this?
RON: Hermione! When'd you get here?
HERMIONE: Pshhhh, I was here the whole time. Also,
this class sucks. Which I know, because I was here the
whole time. My Ancient Runes class is a lot better.
RON: Wait a minute… aren't Runes and Divination at the
same time?
HERMIONE: …Yes.
RON: So how are you taking two classes at once?
HERMIONE: I'm not, stupid.
RON: Except… for the part… where you totally are…?
HERMIONE: …
Care of Magical Creatures Class
RON: Wow, Hagrid’s hut is in a totally different
location than it used to be.
HERMIONE: Seriously, what up with that?
RON: AHHHH! YOU! WHERE DID YOU COME FROM?
HAGRID: Since Harry has the most experience dealing
with weird shit, he can go first. Bow to the nice
horsybird, Harry.
BUCKBEAK: *snuffle squawk gnash snort RAAAA!*
HERMIONE: *grabs Ron's hand*
RON/HERMIONE SHIPPERS: YAY!
RON AND HERMIONE: COOTIES! AHHHHH!
After flirting with feathery death for a few minutes,
Harry wins the hippogriff's respect and gets an
impromptu flight around Hogwarts.
HARRY: WOOOOOOOOO!!!!
HALF THE AUDIENCE: He's KING OF THE WOOOORLD!
CLEO: *eye roll*
HALF THE AUDIENCE: Okay, you think of a better joke.
CLEO: …
DRACO: OUTTA MY WAY, PLEBE, IT'S MY TURN ON THE
HORSYBIRD!
BUCKBEAK: *administers a two-hoof beatdown*
DRACO: *cries for Daddy*
HAGRID: Lord. Tell Madam Pomfrey to pull out the
smelling salts, I gotta bear Miss Malfoy here off to
the fainting couch.
DRACO: Faster, plebe! I do believe I have the vapors!
Defense of the Dark Arts Class
LUPIN: All right, dementors suck, and I still can't
figure out why they're picking on teenage kids who
don't look anything like Crazy Gary Oldman, so we're
going to learn about boggarts and how to laugh at
them. Line up!
MUSIC: *is madcap*
LUPIN: So, Neville, what are you afraid of?
NEVILLE: Everything?
LUPIN: Besides that?
NEVILLE: Professor Snape.
LUPIN: Snape it is then! Make your fears funny and
therefore harmless!
NEVILLE: *changes Snape into Drag Queen Grandma Snape*
DRAG QUEEN GRANDMA SNAPE: RUNS in my STOCKINGS? FIFTY
POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR!
RON: *changes giant spider into giant roller-skating
spider*
PARVATI: *changes a snake into a GIANT SCARY CLOWN
JACK-IN-THE BOX*
HARRY: Dude, you're not helping.
LUPIN: Go on, Harry! I'm sure none of the things
you've witnessed in your life would give the other
students heart attacks at all!
HARRY: *conjures a dementor*
LUPIN: AHHH! CANCEL CANCEL CANCEL!
Some Really Long Bridge on the School Grounds That
Didn't Exist Before This Movie
Everyone else has gone to Hogsmeade. Harry can't,
because the Dursleys suck.
LUPIN: So I knew you'd conjure something terrifying,
which is why I stopped you.
HARRY: Except that… you totally didn't.
LUPIN: Whatever. My point is, I thought you'd choose
Voldemort for your turn.
HARRY: Well, then, that makes letting me have a whack
at the boggart really stupid, now, doesn't it?
LUPIN: …
HARRY: …
LUPIN: Here, eat this chocolate. You know, you look a
lot like your father. Except that you have J.K.
Rowling's eyes.
HARRY: Awww, thanks.
The Portrait Gallery
THE FAT LADY: OMG MY PORTRAIT HAS BEEN SLASHED!
DEFILED! THE SHAME!
MCGONAGALL: Sirius Black was trying to get to Harry
Potter and kill him!
SCABBERS THE RAT: *looks away, whistling*
DUMBLEDORE: All right, everyone in the Great Hall for
a sleepover!
FILCH: I think I saw a porno like this once.
Defense Against the Dark Arts Class
SNAPE: EVERYONE SIT DOWN AND SHUT THE GODDAMN HELL UP.
CLEO: Dude, this is so totally how I would teach a
class.
HARRY: Where's Professor Lupin?
SNAPE: MOONING AROUND somewhere, I'm sure. In other
news, today's lesson is on WEREWOLVES. Can anyone
enlighten the audience on the difference between a
WEREWOLF and an animagus?
HERMIONE: Yes! A werewolf can't help changing into an
animal and doesn't remember who he is, while an
animagus chooses to change and can control himself.
SNAPE: Correct. FIVE THOUSAND POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR!
HERMIONE: I-but the-adda-wibba-
SNAPE: I want two rolls of parchment on WEREWOLVES by
tomorrow, including what WEREWOLVES look like, how to
detect WEREWOLVES in the faculty of a British boarding
school for wizards, and the definition of the Latin
word “lupus.” CLASS DISMISSED!
CLASS: *grumble grumble homework grumble*
DRACO (writing):
Mr. Harry Potter
Draco Potter
Draco Malfoy-Potter
Mr. and Mr. Malfoy-Potter
DRACO/HARRY SHIPPERS: YAY!
DRACO: *crumples up paper, starts over, sends over
Origami Crane of Pigtail-Pulling*
THE NOTE:
Dear Potter,
HA HA!
EVERYONE ELSE: *leaves*
SNAPE [shouting after them]: WEREWOLVES WEREWOLVES
WEREWOLVES!
Apparently the Only Quidditch Game Played at Hogwarts
This Year
THE RAIN: *is torrential*
HARRY'S GOGGLES: *are sporty*
OLIVER WOOD: *is not there*
HP FANS: *grumble grumble like to polish his
Biggerstaff grumble*
Harry ends up chasing the Snitch up into the
stratosphere, where the Dementors show up, start
dementing, and sucking Harry's face until he falls off
his broom and plummets to earth in front of several
hundred shrieking spectators.
DUMBLEDORE: THIS IS NOT GROOVY AT ALL!
The Infirmary
HARRY: What happened?
RON: You fell a hundred feet and nearly died but
Dumbledore, like, caught you with his mind or
something.
HARRY: THE GAME, Ron.
HERMIONE: Uh…wekindalostdontblameyourselfHarry.
HARRY: Well, shit. Could things get any worse?
RON: Funny you should say that.
HARRY'S BROOM: *is dead from tree*
Harry and Lupin Take a Stroll Through the Woods
LUPIN: So… that bit about your broom sucks.
HARRY: Tell me about it.
LUPIN: Here, have some chocolate.
Some Snowy Courtyard
Harry mopes around in his invisibility cloak, trying
to sneak off to Hogsmeade, but the Weasley twins catch
him.
FRED: Merry Christmas!
GEORGE: Have a party!
HARRY: It’s…
FRED: An invisible map
GEORGE: to go with your cloak!
FRED: It has all
GEORGE: the secret passages!
HARRY: WOOT!
The Shrieking Shack, Hogsmeade
HERMIONE: You wanna come closer?
RON: Ew, you have cooties!
HERMIONE: To the Shack.
RON: The Shack also has cooties!
DRACO: Weasley and the Mudblood, sitting in a tree!
DRACO'S HAT: *sneers furrily*
CRABBE AND GOYLE: HA HA!
INVISIBLE HARRY: *wreaks snowy vengeance*
DRACO: *runs off crying for Daddy*
The Three Broomsticks, Hogsmeade
Invisible Harry overhears his name and follows Fudge,
McGonagall, and Madame Rosmerta into the Three
Broomsticks.
THE AUDIENCE: Hey! It's Brad Pitt's goddess mom! Hi,
Brad Pitt's goddess mom! What are you the goddess of
this time?
MADAME ROSMERTA: Back story. So, Minerva, what's up
with Harry and Sirius Black?
MCGONAGALL: Well, you'll never believe it, but Sirius
Black is actually Harry's godfather because he was the
Potters’ best friend but he totally sold them out to
You-Know-Who and now he wants to kill Harry.
MADAME ROSMERTA: It couldn't possibly have anything to
do with the mysterious nine-fingered death of Peter
Pettigrew, could it?
MCGONAGALL: Shpfff, of course not.
Snowy Glade of Teenage Weeping, Hogsmeade
NO-LONGER-INVISIBLE HARRY: OMG HE WAS THEIR FRIEND! I
KILL YOU DEAD, SIRIUS BLACK!
HERMIONE: I would give you a comforting hug, but…
y'know, the cooties.
HARRY: S'aright. I have to practice my teenage rage
for the next two movies anyway.
Lupin Teaches Harry Extremely Advanced Magic He
Couldn't Possibly Learn at This Age
LUPIN: So. The better the memory, the better the
Patronus. Go!
DEMENTOR-IN-A-BOX: RAAAAAA!!
HARRY: *falls over*
LUPIN: No dice, Frodo. Think of something better.
HARRY: Well… I have this memory… actually it wasn't a
very happy memory, and really it wasn't even a memory,
it was just something I saw in a magic mirror, but…
LUPIN: Go!
HARRY: *produces a giant shield of light*
LUPIN: Wow! You held off a fake Dementor with a fake
memory! Let's just assume that'll work with a real
one!
Somewhere on the School Grounds
RON: YOUR CAT ATE MY RAT AND I HATE YOU!
HERMIONE: MY CAT DID NOT EAT YOUR RAT AND I HATE YOU!
HARRY: Y'all, get a room or something. Hagrid! What's
wrong?
HAGRID (sniffling): Buckbeak was SET UP and Draco is a
LIAR and his father is a BAD BAD MAN and now Buckbeak
is going to DIE!
THE KIDS: Oh no!
HP FANS: WAHHHHH!
HARRY: Dude, nothing's even happened to Buckbeak
yet-what's wrong with you guys?
HP FANS: You keep talking about Lucius Malfoy and then
we don't even get to see him!
HARRY: …
Gryffindor Boys’ Dormitory
RON [in his sleep]: Spiders…spiders! Spiders want me
to tap-dance and I don't wanna tap-dance, Harry!
HARRY [looking up from map]: You tell those spiders,
Ron.
NOTHING: *is funnier than that line*
HARRY [looking back at map]: “Peter Pettigrew,” WTF?
RON [in background]: Spiders… noooo… spiders… the
centaurs have my money, please don’t make me
tap-dance….
Somewhere in the Hall Outside the Dormitory
PETTIGREW: *comes closer on the map*
HARRY: *sees no one*
PETTIGREW: *comes closer on the map*
HARRY: *sees no one*
PETTIGREW: *comes closer on the map*
HARRY: *sees no one*
PETTIGREW: *OMGSOCLOSE*
HARRY: NO ONE IS HERE!
SNAPE: POTTER!
HARRY: AHHHH!
SNAPE: Hand it over. REVEALUS SECRETUS!
THE MAP: Messrs. Moony, Padfoot, Wormtail and Prongs
kindly ask you to kiss this map’s ass.
SNAPE: FIVE MILLION POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR!
LUPIN: Hi, I'll take that. Take your greasiness back
to bed plzkthnx.
SNAPE: *sour face*
SOUR FACE: *looks like this: (X^( *
Moony’s Lupin’s Office
LUPIN: OH MY GOD TRAIPSING AROUND A DARK CASTLE IN THE
MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT WITH A MAP THAT SHOWS ANYONE
INCLUDING THE GUY WHO WANTS TO KILL YOU HOW TO FIND
ANYONE INCLUDING YOU ARE YOU STUPID?
HARRY: *hangs head*
LUPIN: Oh, what the hell. Have some chocolate.
Divination Class
TRELAWNEY: Ooooo, ahhhhhh, I see lots of skepticism in
your future, Miss Granger. Also, a book will be your
date to the prom.
HERMIONE: FUCK YOUR COSMIC SHIT!
HARRY AND RON: *back away slowly*
CRYSTAL BALL: *also backs away slowly*
HARRY: Oh, hell, I'd better go take the crystal ball
back to Professor Trelawney.
CRYSTAL BALL: Haaaaarry… Haaaaaarry…
HARRY: AHHH! Get out of my school supplies, Crazy Gary
Oldman!
TRELAWNEY: TONIGHT THE DARK LORD’S SERVANT WILL RETURN
TO HIS MASTER AND DEATH WILL STALK US ALL!
HARRY: AHHHHHHHHHHH!
TRELAWNEY: What? I said “Thanks for bringing back my
crystal ball.”
HARRY: *runs for his life*
Rocks of Gigantitude
Draco Malfoy and his two goons congratulate themselves
on getting Buckbeak sent to the big pumpkin patch in
the sky.
HERMIONE: I KEEL YOU!
DRACO: *cries*
RON AND HARRY: He's not worth it, Hermione!
DRACO: HA H-
HERMIONE: *punches Draco*
DRACO’S HEAD: *bounces off the rock with a beautiful
THUNK*
CLEO AND THE LOVELY EMILY: YAY!
RON: I think I love you.
Hagrid's Hut of Gigantitude
HAGRID [sniffling]: I can't believe they're gonna
execute Buckbeak for laying the smackdown on Malfoy!
Come on! We've all wanted to do that!
THE KIDS: Aww, it's terrible, poor Buckbeak, really,
it'll be all right, etc.
HAGRID: Oh, by the way, Ron, I found your plot point.
Looks like Hermione's cat didn't eat him after all.
A STONE: CRASH!
ANOTHER STONE: THUNK!
HARRY: Ow! What the hell was that?
HERMIONE: Dumbledore and Fudge and the executioner guy
are coming! Run!
Hagrid's Pumpkin Patch of Gigantitude
RON: Isn't there anything we can do?
HARRY: Doesn't look like it.
SOMETHING: *rustles in the bushes behind them*
HERMIONE: What was that?
HARRY: Nothing, just a plot point. Come on, we've got
to get out of here!
Hilltop of Hippogriff Sorrow
EXECUTIONER: *chops something off-screen*
PEOPLE WHO DON'T READ THE BOOKS: OMGWTFHORSYBIRD!
THE KIDS: *hug threesomely*
ALFONSO CUARÓN: I think I directed a porno like this
once.
SCABBERS: RON! I BITE YOUR THUMB AT YOU!
RON: AHHHHHH! COME BACK, SCABBERS!
The Whomping Willow
RON: Scabbers! There you are! What are you running
away fr…
HARRY: AHHH! BIG BLACK DOG!
RON: Oh, shit.
HARRY: AHHH! WHOMPING WILLOW!
HERMIONE: Hey, didn’t it used to be on a totally
different part of the grounds?
BIG BLACK DOG: *drags Ron and Scabbers into a hole
under the tree*
RON: Ohhhhhhh shiiiiiiiii…..
Ten minutes later, after the Whomping Willow is done
flinging Harry and Hermione around, they find a tunnel
under the tree to...
The Shrieking Shack
RON: Help! Help!
HARRY: We're coming, Ron!
RON: Don't help! Don't help! It's a trap!
HARRY: *eye roll*
BIG BLACK DOG: *turns into Sirius Black*
HERMIONE: If you want to kill Harry, you'll have to
kill us first!
HP FANS: OMGWTF THAT WAS RON'S LINE! YOU CHANGED
THINGS FROM THE BOOK!
LOTR FANS: What are you, new?
SIRIUS: Only one person will die tonight, but I will
be vague about it so that you'll think I mean Harry!
HARRY: BRING! IT! ON!
Harry jumps Sirius and gets his chokehold on.
LUPIN [rushing in]: Harry, no! EXPELLIARMUS!
THE KIDS: Lupin!
SIRIUS: Remus!
LUPIN: Sirius!
SIRIUS: Hug!
HERMIONE: Werewolf!
RON AND HARRY: What?
SNAPE: BLACK!
THE KIDS: Snape!
SNAPE: EXPELLIARMUS!
LUPIN: Noooo!
SIRIUS: Pettigrew!
THE KIDS: What?
SIRIUS: Map!
LUPIN: Dead!
SIRIUS: No!
LUPIN: Yes!
SIRIUS: No!
LUPIN: Yes!
SIRIUS: No!
LUPIN: Yes!
SNAPE: Christ, you two bicker like an old married
couple.
SIRIUS/LUPIN SHIPPERS: YAY!
SNAPE: ANYWAY. Dementors' Kiss for you, Black, and
I'll have no more of this monosy-
HARRY [with Hermione’s wand]: EXPELLIARMUS!
EXPELLIARMUS: *for some reason does not just disarm
Snape but throws him through the wall of the Shack*
RON: Oh, we are so fucked now.
HERMIONE: Professor Lupin! You were Harry's friend, so
I didn't tell on you for the werewolf stuff, and now
you're going to turn Harry over to Black!
HARRY: Dude, you could have told ME!
SIRIUS: I don't want to kill you, Harry! I want to
kill your friend's rat!
RON: WHY ARE WE SUDDENLY ON OPPOSITE PLANET?
Another Trip to the Department of Back Story
SIRIUS: No, no! Harry's father and Remus and Peter and
I were all best friends, except that Peter was kind of
a wuss and so he went over to Voldemort and I had told
Peter where the Potters were hiding because I must
have gone stupid all of a sudden, and I found out
Peter had gone bad and he cut off his finger to make
it look like I blew him up and then he blew everyone
else up and left me to take the rap after Voldemort
killed the Potters and he's been living as the Weasley
family rat ever since! See, it all makes sense!
THE KIDS: …
SIRIUS: Gimme your rat!
RON: No!
SIRIUS: Gimme your rat!
RON: No!
SIRIUS: Gimme your rat!
RON: No!
SIRIUS AND LUPIN: *turn Scabbers back into Peter
Pettigrew*
RON: Oh. My. GOD.
PETTIGREW: Ron! Help me! I was a good rat, wasn't I?
Remember all the good times we had?
SIRIUS: I think I saw a porno like that once.
RON: Y'all are SICK, man.
PETTIGREW: *grovels*
HARRY: You know what? Let's not kill him.
SIRIUS: What?
HARRY: Let's give him to the Dementors and let them
suck his soul out through his nose.
SIRIUS: That's my boy!
Outside the Whomping Willow
SIRIUS: I know I'm kinda scruffy and scary and all
but, you know, I am your godfather and if you ever
wanted to come live with me instead of your asshole
relatives…
HARRY: Come. And live. With you?
SIRIUS: I know, I know… forget I said anything.
HARRY: The word I am trying to think of here is OH GOD
YES PLEASE NOW.
A FULL MOON: *rises*
HERMIONE: Oh, shit.
SIRIUS: Remus! This is not you! This is not your
heart! I'LL MAKE OUT WITH YOU IF I HAVE TO!
LUPIN: *turns into Lupinwolf*
SIRIUS: Awwww, shit, Remus… *turns into Siriusdog*
PETTIGREW: *turns back into Scabbers and scampers for
the hills*
SNAPE: *emerges to protect the kids, conveniently
without ever having seen Pettigrew*
LUPINWOLF: I KEEL YOU, SIRIUSDOG!
SIRIUSDOG: *whimpers*
LUPINWOLF: I KEEL YOU TOO, HARRY POTTER!
HARRY: AHHHH!
FEMALE WEREWOLF: AROOOOOOOO!
EVERYBODY: WTF?
HARRY: *runs after wounded Siriusdog into the woods*
Somewhere in the Hogwarts Woods
Harry must conjure a Patronus before the Dementors
suck off Siriusdog’s face.
HARRY: EXPECTO PATRONUM!
PATRONUS: …
HARRY: EXPECTO PATRONUM!
PATRONUS: …
HARRY: EXPECTO PATRONUM!
PATRONUS: …
HARRY: *cries*
DEMENTORS: *dement*
PATRONUS: *finally gets off his ass and prances
stagfully*
HARRY: Dad!
THE AUDIENCE: What? Where?
DEMENTORS: Run away! We are powerless against Bambi's
dad!
HARRY: *falls over*
The Infirmary
HARRY: You can't let them take Sirius back to have his
face sucked off! He didn't kill my parents, Peter
Pettigrew did!
DUMBLEDORE: …
HARRY: And then he turned into a rat and lived with
Ron's family for twelve years and turned back into
Peter and then turned back into a rat and conveniently
ran away so that no one can prove or disprove our
story!
DUMBLEDORE: …
HERMIONE: You've got to believe us!
DUMBLEDORE [leaving]: Three turns, Miss Granger.
HARRY: Eh?
HERMIONE: He means the Time-Turner I've been wearing
all year to turn back time and take extra classes.
RON [from hospital bed]: I KNEW IT!
HERMIONE: *pulls out a tiny hourglass on a five-foot
chain conveniently long enough to go around two
people*
HARRY: Does it have a flux capacitor?
HERMIONE: Shut up and let me chain you.
HARRY/HERMIONE SHIPPERS: YAY!
HARRY AND HERMIONE: *disappear*
THE REALLY CONFUSING PART OF THE MOVIE: *begins*
Rocks of Gigantitude
HERMIONE: *punches Draco*
DRACO’S HEAD: *bounces off the rock with a beautiful
THUNK*
CLEO AND THE LOVELY EMILY: YAY!
CLEO AND THE LOVELY EMILY: YAY!
RON: I think I love you.
HERMIONE: Dude, I think I love me too right now.
Hagrid's Hut of Gigantitude
HAGRID: Oh, by the way, Ron, I found your plot point.
Looks like Hermione's cat didn't eat him after all.
HARRY: Why are we not leaving? LEAVE, DAMN US!
HERMIONE: *throws stones*
A STONE: CRASH!
ANOTHER STONE: THUNK!
HARRY: Ow! What the hell was that?
HARRY: OW! THAT WAS MY SKULL, HOR!
HERMIONE: Come on, Buckbeak! Tasty ferrets! Yes! Into
the woods! Hurry, before we find ourselves!
Hagrid’s Pumpkin Patch of Gigantitude
RON: Isn't there anything we can do?
HARRY: Doesn't look like it.
HERMIONE: Wow, my hair is a lot less frizzy in this
movie.
HERMIONE: What was that?
HERMIONE: Duck!
HARRY: Nothing, just a plot point. Come on, we've got
to get out of here!
HARRY: Come on, we've got to get Buckbeak out of here!
Outside Hut of Gigantitude:
FUDGE: OMGWTF!
DUMBLEDORE: Oh, Dead Hippogriff Walking's gone, what a
pity. Hagrid, break out the brandy plzkthnx.
HALF THE AUDIENCE: OMG ALCOHOL IN A CHILDREN'S MOVIE!
DUMBLEDORE: It's the parents who need booze the most.
Am I right?
PARENTS IN THE THEATER: Damn straight, you tell 'em
Albus, testify!, snap snap snap, etc.
EXECUTIONER: *chops a pumpkin off-screen*
The Whomping Willow
LUPIN: *stops the tree, goes down into the tunnel*
SNAPE: *follows Lupin*
HERMIONE: Well, now I guess we wait.
HARRY: It was my dad, out there in the woods! My dad
came and saved me!
HERMIONE: Your dad's… dead, Harry.
HARRY: Shut up, hor.
A FULL MOON: *comes out*
HERMIONE: Oh, shit.
SIRIUS: Remus! This is not you! This is not your
heart! I'LL MAKE OUT WITH YOU IF I HAVE TO!
HERMIONE: You know, I think that counts as a marriage
ceremony in Massachusetts now.
LUPINWOLF: I KEEL YOU, SIRIUSDOG!
SIRIUSDOG: *whimpers*
LUPINWOLF: I KEEL YOU TOO, HARRY POTTER!
HARRY: AHHHH!
HERMIONE: AROOOOOOOO!
HARRY: Oh, wow, so that was you?
HERMIONE: Apparently.
LUPINWOLF: *comes for Non-Italicized Harry and
Hermione*
HERMIONE: Didn't think this through! Didn't think this
through!
Somewhere in the Hogwarts Woods
HARRY AND HERMIONE: *run like hell*
LUPINWOLF: *almost eats them*
BUCKBEAK: *delivers a four-hoof beatdown*
HARRY [grimacing]: Yow, right in the chocolate.
Somewhere Else in the Hogwarts Woods
HARRY: EXPECTO PATRONUM!
PATRONUS: …
HARRY: All right, here comes my dad.
HERMIONE: Uh, Harry...?
HARRY: EXPECTO PATRONUM!
PATRONUS: …
HARRY: Any minute now...
HERMIONE: Uh... Harry?
HARRY: EXPECTO PATRONUM!
PATRONUS: …
HARRY: *cries*
HERMIONE: Uh, Harry? I'm pretty sure you and Sirius
are about to die here.
HARRY: Oh, goddammit--EXPECTO PATRONUM!
PATRONUS: *prances stagfully*
HARRY: Dad!
DEMENTORS: Run away! We are powerless against Bambi's
dad!
HARRY: OH MY GOD I'M MY OWN FATHER.
HERMIONE: I think I saw a porno like that once.
Some Astronomy Tower
Harry and Hermione take Buckbeak to go rescue Sirius
from the tower, and decide that they apparently have
time for a ride around Hogwarts rather than sending
him straight off to escape.
HARRY: WOOOOO!
HERMIONE: WOOOOO!
SIRIUS: WOOOOO!
BUCKBEAK: HWUUUU!
Sirius Tells Harry Goodbye
SIRIUS: You look so much like your father…
HARRY: Yeah, yeah, might as well be looking at his
reanimated corpse right now, I got it.
The Infirmary
HARRY: Hurry! The clock's about to strike!
HERMIONE: You've got to believe us!
DUMBLEDORE [leaving]: Three turns, Miss Granger.
HERMIONE: We can't go in yet! We're still in there!
HARRY: Does it have a flux capacitor?
DUMBLEDORE: *walks out into the hall*
HERMIONE: Professor Dumbledore! We did what you told
us to do!
DUMBLEDORE [winking]: I have no idea what you're
talking about.
HARRY: Wait… so you're not going to hang around in the
infirmary and explain the whole movie to us?
DUMBLEDORE: Night!
HARRY: Wow, New Dumbledore really is groovy.
HARRY AND HERMIONE: *disappear*
HARRY AND HERMIONE: *run back into the infirmary*
RON: You were-but the-adda-wibba-
HARRY AND HERMIONE [grinning]: We have no idea what
you're talking about.
RON: *cries*
Lupin’s Office of Woeful Packing
HARRY: Well, basically we're right back where we
started, which sucks.
LUPIN: Except for the part where you saved the lives
of an innocent convict and an innocent Malfoy-mashing
hippogriff.
HARRY: Yeah, but I still have no broom, no teacher, no
godfather, and no parents.
LUPIN: Here, have some chocolate.
Great Hall, The Next Day
HARRY: OMG A FIREBOLT! THIS BROOM IS SO AWESOME IT
ALMOST MAKES UP FOR HAVING NO TEACHER, NO GODFATHER,
AND NO PARENTS!
HERMIONE: Look what was attached to the broom, Harry!
HARRY: Oh, wow! A feather from that hippogriff, whose
escape we know NOTHING ABOUT.
HERMIONE: Yes! And according to my book here, a
hippogriff feather means “Greetings from an escaped
convict”!
HARRY: Yay!
RON: And I hear they're actually going to let us play
Quidditch in the next movie, too!
HARRY: WOOT!
PEOPLE WHO READ GOBLET OF FIRE: *facepalm*
Harry zooms off on his new broom with the movie ending
on a close-up of his artfully blurred face, perhaps to
suggest in the language of cinematic metaphor that
this time he is rendered blurry with happiness.
Or that the camera guy can't hold the lens still.
Something.
FIN.
Just too hilarious not to share. Hope you enjoy it as much as I did.
~Yasi~