Whether we like it or not.
Sometimes I sit here at home or wherever I happen to be, and whereve that is is usually with James, and I think about all that I thought my life was going to be like. I never thought that I'd get married or plan on having kids, I never thought I'd move into a house after leaving my mother's, I always thought I'd be single but never alone my whole life. And I see now that what I thought wasn't so at all.
I'm this close to being engaged. There's talk of marriage and starting a family and buying a house with a yard so that the kids have room to play and moving out of state and all kinds of grown-up things. I like this talk. I want this kind of talk. While I didn't think any of these things would happen to me, I still wanted them to. I'd accepted the fact that they never would long before I met James. It just goes to show you how things like this hit you.
So, before, when I thought none of this would happen I had already planned my life. I was going to leave. I wasn't sure how I was going to leave but I was positive I was going to.
Oh, how I wish it was as easy to just up and leave and travel the world now as it was back in the day, where people just hopped on their horse, or in a wagon, or on foot and just left. Not a penny in their pocket or a direction of consequence. Nowadays when you want to travel the world you need quite a bit of money to do so and most of us don't have that. Only the rich get to experience all that life has to offer (and I mean ALL) because they have what it takes to do it. Money, that is.
I wish I could go back in time and ask one of these travelers, with great stories, how they did it.
"I left ...everything." they'd say, "Friends, family, home, security, familiarity ..everything. It's the price I paid."
That or they had nothing to begin with. No family, no friends, no home, no nothing. I wonder if travelling the world filled them somehow. Whenever I hear great stories like this or think about the people who once did it I always imagine them traveling alone. I used to think that was the way but I suppose a bit of company would be nice. By company of course I mean James. I don't think there's honestly a place I wouldn't go with that boy.
There's this woman at my work, one of the admin ladies. Elliot, I mentioned before. She lives in a big house, has a girl and a boy, and a husband. I have to wonder if this is what she ultimately wanted, this comfort and security with a big helping of IT. IT being IT, that's it, this is what you are now, this is the big finish. So young and so placent to be the big finish. I want a family with a husband and children but I can't imagine living in one place for the rest of my life.
You'd think though that that's how it works. You meet someone nice, get married, buy a house, have kids, raise them, be proud of your work. You've raised them to go and live independent, interesting, lives. You can retreat into the house that you've lived in for god knows how long and live out the rest of your days.
What kind of life is that? There MUST be another way to have a husband and a family without doing ...THAT. There must be some kind of way of having a family and raising them without all the hustle and bustle of normality. I suppose I want it all. I want the family AND to be differently so all at the same time. I want to see the world and I want my future family to do it with me.
The only problem I see in that is James not wanting to. I wonder if we could possibly reach some kind of compromise. Ha, sure, that's the kind of dinner talk everyone wants to have. The talk of "Let me live life and experience all it has to offer and do it with me, whether you like it or not." It doesn't matter, if I'm truely honest with myself, I'd go with James to the house in one place for the next god knows how long and raise the family and forget all that it was I wanted and concentrate on being happy somehow else.
I want to be happy my way but that doesn't mean that I can't be happy another way as well, whether I like it or not.
I'm this close to being engaged. There's talk of marriage and starting a family and buying a house with a yard so that the kids have room to play and moving out of state and all kinds of grown-up things. I like this talk. I want this kind of talk. While I didn't think any of these things would happen to me, I still wanted them to. I'd accepted the fact that they never would long before I met James. It just goes to show you how things like this hit you.
So, before, when I thought none of this would happen I had already planned my life. I was going to leave. I wasn't sure how I was going to leave but I was positive I was going to.
Oh, how I wish it was as easy to just up and leave and travel the world now as it was back in the day, where people just hopped on their horse, or in a wagon, or on foot and just left. Not a penny in their pocket or a direction of consequence. Nowadays when you want to travel the world you need quite a bit of money to do so and most of us don't have that. Only the rich get to experience all that life has to offer (and I mean ALL) because they have what it takes to do it. Money, that is.
I wish I could go back in time and ask one of these travelers, with great stories, how they did it.
"I left ...everything." they'd say, "Friends, family, home, security, familiarity ..everything. It's the price I paid."
That or they had nothing to begin with. No family, no friends, no home, no nothing. I wonder if travelling the world filled them somehow. Whenever I hear great stories like this or think about the people who once did it I always imagine them traveling alone. I used to think that was the way but I suppose a bit of company would be nice. By company of course I mean James. I don't think there's honestly a place I wouldn't go with that boy.
There's this woman at my work, one of the admin ladies. Elliot, I mentioned before. She lives in a big house, has a girl and a boy, and a husband. I have to wonder if this is what she ultimately wanted, this comfort and security with a big helping of IT. IT being IT, that's it, this is what you are now, this is the big finish. So young and so placent to be the big finish. I want a family with a husband and children but I can't imagine living in one place for the rest of my life.
You'd think though that that's how it works. You meet someone nice, get married, buy a house, have kids, raise them, be proud of your work. You've raised them to go and live independent, interesting, lives. You can retreat into the house that you've lived in for god knows how long and live out the rest of your days.
What kind of life is that? There MUST be another way to have a husband and a family without doing ...THAT. There must be some kind of way of having a family and raising them without all the hustle and bustle of normality. I suppose I want it all. I want the family AND to be differently so all at the same time. I want to see the world and I want my future family to do it with me.
The only problem I see in that is James not wanting to. I wonder if we could possibly reach some kind of compromise. Ha, sure, that's the kind of dinner talk everyone wants to have. The talk of "Let me live life and experience all it has to offer and do it with me, whether you like it or not." It doesn't matter, if I'm truely honest with myself, I'd go with James to the house in one place for the next god knows how long and raise the family and forget all that it was I wanted and concentrate on being happy somehow else.
I want to be happy my way but that doesn't mean that I can't be happy another way as well, whether I like it or not.