so long
since i can remember doing this
i thought it would be cool to start it again. i will make this such an emo journal.
lets start off with: everything sucks. i think that is a good start. and since i know no one reads this it will be easier to talk about things that have been bothering me.
So i guess we'll begin. My heart is dead and no one knows for sure if i am just pmsing all the time or if i have gone insane. rest assured i have just lost all hope in people and what they mean to eachother. Love is not a word that i can see myself using for a long time after what happened. I feel strangely as if someone stole something from me that i cannot get back no matter how hard i try. People hold grudges, and that is fine as long as you believe full-heartedly that the person you are holding a grudge against will never change, but it helps no one when the other actually trys. I am trying. I am also stupid.
I am just so retarded for believeing that i could actually prove myself by being a better me. I am so lame for thinking that if i forgave everyone else for all the mistakes that they make that maybe i would recieve forgivness from the person who at this point means the most to me. I cant bring myself to say that i have given up because it hurts more to do that than to just accept the fact that i will never be good enough. I feel like i am 11 years old again and i am trying so hard to be friends with someone that doesnt want anything to do with me. I feel like instead of growing up i have just been playing a game and i just lost. I dont understand what it means when you say that you love someone and then it just doesnt matter and you act like you never did. What happens to it? It makes me sad cause i have been asked this question before and i didnt have the answer. Now i need the answer and there is no one to answer it for me. I guess i could be optamistic and say that it never dies, but then what would be the point of this predictable online journal, i am supposed to be negative. I feel like its still there just floating around my head. It is always there for me, i cant get away from it no matter how much i pretend to hate or to be upset with the other person i cant help but still have that feeling of complete adoration. and it isnt just a feeling it is killing me. I have fallen so hard for this person that its like no matter how bad they make me feel about myself, or how guilty they make me feel for what happened in the past they will always be the most wonderful thing that i have ever had. This is why i am so stupid, because i know they are not the only thing that i will ever have. The only thing is, i wasnt done...i wasnt ready to say goodbye.
everything is a bitch right now.
i thought it would be cool to start it again. i will make this such an emo journal.
lets start off with: everything sucks. i think that is a good start. and since i know no one reads this it will be easier to talk about things that have been bothering me.
So i guess we'll begin. My heart is dead and no one knows for sure if i am just pmsing all the time or if i have gone insane. rest assured i have just lost all hope in people and what they mean to eachother. Love is not a word that i can see myself using for a long time after what happened. I feel strangely as if someone stole something from me that i cannot get back no matter how hard i try. People hold grudges, and that is fine as long as you believe full-heartedly that the person you are holding a grudge against will never change, but it helps no one when the other actually trys. I am trying. I am also stupid.
I am just so retarded for believeing that i could actually prove myself by being a better me. I am so lame for thinking that if i forgave everyone else for all the mistakes that they make that maybe i would recieve forgivness from the person who at this point means the most to me. I cant bring myself to say that i have given up because it hurts more to do that than to just accept the fact that i will never be good enough. I feel like i am 11 years old again and i am trying so hard to be friends with someone that doesnt want anything to do with me. I feel like instead of growing up i have just been playing a game and i just lost. I dont understand what it means when you say that you love someone and then it just doesnt matter and you act like you never did. What happens to it? It makes me sad cause i have been asked this question before and i didnt have the answer. Now i need the answer and there is no one to answer it for me. I guess i could be optamistic and say that it never dies, but then what would be the point of this predictable online journal, i am supposed to be negative. I feel like its still there just floating around my head. It is always there for me, i cant get away from it no matter how much i pretend to hate or to be upset with the other person i cant help but still have that feeling of complete adoration. and it isnt just a feeling it is killing me. I have fallen so hard for this person that its like no matter how bad they make me feel about myself, or how guilty they make me feel for what happened in the past they will always be the most wonderful thing that i have ever had. This is why i am so stupid, because i know they are not the only thing that i will ever have. The only thing is, i wasnt done...i wasnt ready to say goodbye.
everything is a bitch right now.