Welcome to My New Self
All vivid colours, and the way
They resonate in how you dress
Have poets in their idleness
Imagining a flower-ballet.
Charles Baudelaire, To One Who Is Too Cheerful
Hello and welcome to flower-ballet, my personal journal. I'm S. or Simone, I sign mostly using the letter, but you're encouraged to call me both. ♥
I'm many things. I'm a Christian, studying theology with the aim to someday become a vicar. I'm a lesbian, in a wonderful relationship to juwely_d whom I live with and love with all my heart. I'm a depressive, suffering from the after effects of a severe depression, stumbling along the road to recovery. I'm a writer. A graphic maker. A romantic. A dreamer. I'm girly, though wearing dresses is something new to me. I'm growing my hair long after having it almost shaved off during my first hospitalisation last year. I'm a cat lover, a squeeing fangirl, a wannabe newbie and a devoted idealist.
For a long time I went by the name maleroleactress, but the explanation that went with this username has ceased to really fit me. In the year that has passed since I created this journal, a lot of things have happened. My ideals have changed. My perception of the world, of myself and others have changed. And a beautiful ballerina has become part of my life. If you friend me, you shouldn't be surprised to see almost every post tagged with her name. Maikaze Rira.
I have been in very dark corners of my mind. I've visited very shadow-filled places of life, but exited on the other side. In the midst of seeing so much darkness, I realised that I needed to fill my life with light. I learned this in different ways, watching different people. I owe everything to my friends, offline as well as online. To my girlfriend, who's supported me through all of it. And to Maachan who has taught me to accept and embrace sides of myself that I'd disregarded previously.
Changing to this name, I hope to grow happy again. Maybe even "too happy", so that the depressive inside of me, the depressive who is cursing the dancing woman in this poem, will never again win the raging battle. Changing to this name, focusing on everything it means to me, I hope to be able to feed the Wolf of Good.
flower-ballet. 23/02-2010.
An elder Cherokee was teaching his grandchildren about life. He said to them, "A fight is going on inside me... It is a terrible fight, and it is between two wolves. One wolf represents fear, anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, pride and superiority. The other wolf stands for joy, peace, love, hope, sharing, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, friendship, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. This same fight is going on inside of you and every other person too." They thought about it for a minute and then one child asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?" The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one I feed."