Reflection.
I was sitting on my front porch tonight for the first time in months. I can't believe it's Christmas Eve. Its so completely warm and beautiful out - I feel like I should be in Florida and not in Massachusetts where I really am. How strange.
That front porch of mine holds so many memories and I actually was quite nostalgic sitting out there tonight. It's where I used to sit every single night for 2 months while I waited for Matt to come over after work so we could spend time together and talk. We'd spend hours and hours together outside each night - into the early morning. There were days where I wouldn't get inside until like 5 in the morning we would just stay up and talk all night long. That seems like so long ago now.
Thinking about it is actually making me smile instead of frown for once. I think I'm making progress with the whole Matt situation. When I think of him now it's in a fond memory way, and not in that "I hate you and want to cut out your liver" way anymore.
Some people come into your life for only a short period of time and they end up changing your life forever. Whether you realize it at the time or not these certain people appear at certain times to teach you lessons - and then they're gone. In a weird way it kind of seems like God's way of throwing you a hurdle or a challenge every now and then to keep you on your toes.
As much as I loved Matt, him completely breaking my heart and tearing it to bits was one of the best things that could have happened. (At least I'm trying to convince myself of that.) If I look at it in a completely rational and objective way, that makes sense. He came into my life at a perfect time. He happened when I was convinced that I would never get a boyfriend and that no one would ever care about me because I was too ugly or whatever - he came into my life to teach me a very important lesson.
He taught me what it was to love someone. He dropped into my life like a leaf falling from a tree. That silly boy taught me so many things. I learned so many lessons from him, and I do think I'ma stronger person now because of that.
He taught me that I am a smart, beautiful and funny woman worthy of love. It sounds silly, but I really didn't know that before. He taught me about love. I learned what it was to immerse yourself so completely in one person. I learned that falling in love is like a whirlwind, and not to be fooled by what I thought might be love at first sight.
I learned what it was to be desired. Feeling like you're wanted and like someone needs you is the absolute best feeling in the world. There is nothing like getting a phone call early in the morning from someone just calling to tell you that they miss you. It's just wonderful.
On the opposite end of the spectrum though, I learned what it is to feel complete and utter heartbreak. I guess everyone needs to experience that at some point or another, and I'm actually glad it happened now. I know now not to let anyne have my heart so fast. I'll be more careful with it next time because I've realized that they're fragile. I've also learned what it is to really lose someone you love. I've experienced that before with death, (God knows I've had enough of that in my lifetime), but this is a different kind of loss. The hollow, aching kind that only happens when you realize someone you truly cared about isn't going to be around anymore just because they're choosing not to be. I went through it first hand and I know how to deal with it now. It hurts so badly, but I won't be so forward and careless with my heart next time, because having to mend a broken heart back together sucks. (And I know that I sound like a cheesy country song now - but I don't care.) :)
For so long I thought Matt leaving me was the absolute worst thing ever. And in a way it was. But also it was one of the best, and I'm so glad I've realized that now. I've emerged from this heartbroken slump into a stronger person, and I want to thank Matt for that.
Believe it or not, I actually want to thank that dickhead!
Matt,
Thank you for coming into my life and then disappearing like vapor into thin air. Thank you for giving me my first true love and my first true loss. Thank you for making me a stronger, smarter person. I will forever be grateful to you for that. Whether you realize it or not you've helped me in an immense way and I can't thank you enough. Even though you are an asshole, I can smile now because of you, as strange as that sounds. So thank you. And fuck you too.
Love Always,
Lauren
That front porch of mine holds so many memories and I actually was quite nostalgic sitting out there tonight. It's where I used to sit every single night for 2 months while I waited for Matt to come over after work so we could spend time together and talk. We'd spend hours and hours together outside each night - into the early morning. There were days where I wouldn't get inside until like 5 in the morning we would just stay up and talk all night long. That seems like so long ago now.
Thinking about it is actually making me smile instead of frown for once. I think I'm making progress with the whole Matt situation. When I think of him now it's in a fond memory way, and not in that "I hate you and want to cut out your liver" way anymore.
Some people come into your life for only a short period of time and they end up changing your life forever. Whether you realize it at the time or not these certain people appear at certain times to teach you lessons - and then they're gone. In a weird way it kind of seems like God's way of throwing you a hurdle or a challenge every now and then to keep you on your toes.
As much as I loved Matt, him completely breaking my heart and tearing it to bits was one of the best things that could have happened. (At least I'm trying to convince myself of that.) If I look at it in a completely rational and objective way, that makes sense. He came into my life at a perfect time. He happened when I was convinced that I would never get a boyfriend and that no one would ever care about me because I was too ugly or whatever - he came into my life to teach me a very important lesson.
He taught me what it was to love someone. He dropped into my life like a leaf falling from a tree. That silly boy taught me so many things. I learned so many lessons from him, and I do think I'ma stronger person now because of that.
He taught me that I am a smart, beautiful and funny woman worthy of love. It sounds silly, but I really didn't know that before. He taught me about love. I learned what it was to immerse yourself so completely in one person. I learned that falling in love is like a whirlwind, and not to be fooled by what I thought might be love at first sight.
I learned what it was to be desired. Feeling like you're wanted and like someone needs you is the absolute best feeling in the world. There is nothing like getting a phone call early in the morning from someone just calling to tell you that they miss you. It's just wonderful.
On the opposite end of the spectrum though, I learned what it is to feel complete and utter heartbreak. I guess everyone needs to experience that at some point or another, and I'm actually glad it happened now. I know now not to let anyne have my heart so fast. I'll be more careful with it next time because I've realized that they're fragile. I've also learned what it is to really lose someone you love. I've experienced that before with death, (God knows I've had enough of that in my lifetime), but this is a different kind of loss. The hollow, aching kind that only happens when you realize someone you truly cared about isn't going to be around anymore just because they're choosing not to be. I went through it first hand and I know how to deal with it now. It hurts so badly, but I won't be so forward and careless with my heart next time, because having to mend a broken heart back together sucks. (And I know that I sound like a cheesy country song now - but I don't care.) :)
For so long I thought Matt leaving me was the absolute worst thing ever. And in a way it was. But also it was one of the best, and I'm so glad I've realized that now. I've emerged from this heartbroken slump into a stronger person, and I want to thank Matt for that.
Believe it or not, I actually want to thank that dickhead!
Matt,
Thank you for coming into my life and then disappearing like vapor into thin air. Thank you for giving me my first true love and my first true loss. Thank you for making me a stronger, smarter person. I will forever be grateful to you for that. Whether you realize it or not you've helped me in an immense way and I can't thank you enough. Even though you are an asshole, I can smile now because of you, as strange as that sounds. So thank you. And fuck you too.
Love Always,
Lauren