I've hit rock bottom
I took the painful decision to quit school.
After a week of excruciating stress for a group project I just turned in last night, I think I have never been this tired in my life. I feel worn out, drained. Anxiety creeps in every corner of my skin, making me unable to appreciate anything other than the soothing smoke of a joint. I feel ashamed of what I'm turning in, I feel like I'm lacking respect to my other group members and to some teachers I care about.
But really, I can't do it anymore. I don't even know if I ever was able to make it work, really. School has made me feel miserable my whole life. My whole life has revolved around school. I've always been a student. It's almost as if it became part of my identity, to a point where I couldn't project myself being something else, even when I was out of school. And I don't think it's ever truly made me happy.
The happiest I've ever been in school was my first year of college. I had finally graduated high school after struggling with that, and felt better about myself and my abilities. Plus, I was studying something I truly loved, to a rhythm that sure was tough, but doable. Since then, though, it has only become harder and harder to keep up, to a point where I'm not enjoying the least bit what I do. Let's not even talk about subjects I'm failing.
And at this point, I really feel like if I'm going to respect myself, quitting is the only option. Continuing like this, feeling miserable, pushing aside all of the other things I want in life just to get a diploma - a fucking piece of paper -, butchering my physical and mental health... It can't go on. I don't want this to go on anymore.
So I'm quitting.
I have no clue what's ahead of me. But I want to shape something of my own, even if there are hardships along the way. I want to feel a bit more free. School has alienated me enough, calculating my worth into grades, making me compete with others, devouring all of my free time with homework. I'm done.
For now, considering my situation, my parents will still afford my expenses until I'm 25 and stay in school. That's what their divorce agreement keeps them liable for. So I'm going to try to not get kicked out of my school for this year (besides, it's a private school and the year's already been paid for), and enjoy the classes I still care about, but not pressure myself into going to the ones that are too stress-inducing.
Next year, I'm going to be sending applications for other schools. Schools that are public, not private, for one: that's a lot of pressure off my shoulders. Also, schools that won't pressure my attendance to class and where the mental charge of homework is much less important. Those are my only criterias, really. I'll be sending mainly applications for fine arts, in hopes of getting into a master's right away, but if I don't make it, I'll try out a bachelor's in something else I vaguely like, anything that'll keep me interested 'til I'm 25. Probably a third language or anthropology/sociology or something.
For now, I think my brain hasn't really registered that it's over. I still feel weary although I've turned in my damn project. I'm not going to school from Wednesday on next week. Going to take a break that I've more than earned and try to work on some of my personal stuff. If I've got 3 years ahead of me, might as well use them to pursue what I really like, and start working on illustrations or comics to make a bit of money, even if it doesn't pay my rent until a long while later.
On a more positive note, I've been to two concerts the past weekend: Gorillaz and King Krule. Both were great. I really love the way music makes me feel, and I think I've missed it a lot more than I can give it credit for. I want to get involved in it again. I don't know how yet, but this is something that's been in the back of my head for months now. I want to make music again. I want to be able to make music with my friends. I don't think it's impossible. I just gotta pick it up all over again and try my best.
I'll just end this post on some of King Krule's lyrics because they are on point with what I'm going through.
Cause it's the end of something I did not want to end
Beginning of hard times to come
Something that was not meant to be is done
And this is the start of what was
After a week of excruciating stress for a group project I just turned in last night, I think I have never been this tired in my life. I feel worn out, drained. Anxiety creeps in every corner of my skin, making me unable to appreciate anything other than the soothing smoke of a joint. I feel ashamed of what I'm turning in, I feel like I'm lacking respect to my other group members and to some teachers I care about.
But really, I can't do it anymore. I don't even know if I ever was able to make it work, really. School has made me feel miserable my whole life. My whole life has revolved around school. I've always been a student. It's almost as if it became part of my identity, to a point where I couldn't project myself being something else, even when I was out of school. And I don't think it's ever truly made me happy.
The happiest I've ever been in school was my first year of college. I had finally graduated high school after struggling with that, and felt better about myself and my abilities. Plus, I was studying something I truly loved, to a rhythm that sure was tough, but doable. Since then, though, it has only become harder and harder to keep up, to a point where I'm not enjoying the least bit what I do. Let's not even talk about subjects I'm failing.
And at this point, I really feel like if I'm going to respect myself, quitting is the only option. Continuing like this, feeling miserable, pushing aside all of the other things I want in life just to get a diploma - a fucking piece of paper -, butchering my physical and mental health... It can't go on. I don't want this to go on anymore.
So I'm quitting.
I have no clue what's ahead of me. But I want to shape something of my own, even if there are hardships along the way. I want to feel a bit more free. School has alienated me enough, calculating my worth into grades, making me compete with others, devouring all of my free time with homework. I'm done.
For now, considering my situation, my parents will still afford my expenses until I'm 25 and stay in school. That's what their divorce agreement keeps them liable for. So I'm going to try to not get kicked out of my school for this year (besides, it's a private school and the year's already been paid for), and enjoy the classes I still care about, but not pressure myself into going to the ones that are too stress-inducing.
Next year, I'm going to be sending applications for other schools. Schools that are public, not private, for one: that's a lot of pressure off my shoulders. Also, schools that won't pressure my attendance to class and where the mental charge of homework is much less important. Those are my only criterias, really. I'll be sending mainly applications for fine arts, in hopes of getting into a master's right away, but if I don't make it, I'll try out a bachelor's in something else I vaguely like, anything that'll keep me interested 'til I'm 25. Probably a third language or anthropology/sociology or something.
For now, I think my brain hasn't really registered that it's over. I still feel weary although I've turned in my damn project. I'm not going to school from Wednesday on next week. Going to take a break that I've more than earned and try to work on some of my personal stuff. If I've got 3 years ahead of me, might as well use them to pursue what I really like, and start working on illustrations or comics to make a bit of money, even if it doesn't pay my rent until a long while later.
On a more positive note, I've been to two concerts the past weekend: Gorillaz and King Krule. Both were great. I really love the way music makes me feel, and I think I've missed it a lot more than I can give it credit for. I want to get involved in it again. I don't know how yet, but this is something that's been in the back of my head for months now. I want to make music again. I want to be able to make music with my friends. I don't think it's impossible. I just gotta pick it up all over again and try my best.
I'll just end this post on some of King Krule's lyrics because they are on point with what I'm going through.
Cause it's the end of something I did not want to end
Beginning of hard times to come
Something that was not meant to be is done
And this is the start of what was