"Hello walls, how'd things go for you today?"
Classic country.
I've been trying to figure out why it is that I keep writing in this thing. I guess it's to keep in touch with some people and brag/whine about how my life is going, and I also use it to post ideas for future reference (when I'm not just writing them down on scraps of paper or in journals somewhere). I could use it to spill my thoughts about life, which may just be what I'll do today. I haven't decided how I'd use it yet today, but I'm making my mind up as I go.
An anonymous friend (Ben) and I had a nice talk yesterday and we ended up discussing a lot of things, but the thing I'm stuck on from that talk is human desire, and more specifically how we use sexual relationships to fulfill aspects of our desires. I think we ended up agreeing that the source of desire seems to be fear of our flaws/insecurity, and ironically in order to attract mates we tend to hide our flaws, make ourselves into marble statues of immortal gods, sweet-smelling philosophers and artists with muscles carved from stone and minds made of gold.
I'll be honest, it's been over a year since I've had sex (with a real person), in fact, it's been over a year since I've even had foreplay (with a real person), and the last time I made out (with a real person - about a month ago) it wasn't all that special and I really had no urge for it to lead anywhere beyond that. It seems that my sexual desire is hibernating.
I'm not depressed in the slightest, my life is filled with things that fulfill me (playing music, going to the poetry slam, hanging out with friends). I have a fair number of friends and I go out to events/parties at least twice/thrice a week, and I even meet girls at these events/parties, and I've even been known to be half-heartedly flirtatious with some of those girls (the lucky ones). However, let's say hypothetically that at the next party one of those girls wants to take me home and just fuck me into non-existence, I might be up for it.
The problem is, I've been conditioned to think that's weird. Somewhere in my brain I'm calling myself a loser for not being able to just go out and get laid (and honestly a loser for not even wanting to!). At the same time, my logical self knows it makes little sense to be pursuing strictly sexual relationships. I don't want kids right now, I have no reason to procreate. In fact, it seems almost frightening to me that a lot of my friends are so invested in being promiscuous (my friend Nelly Furtado for one). Is it really so weird that there are things I'd rather do than fuck someone I don't love, only because they're attractive.
This was really cemented for me last night when SuperHouse played a 2 hour concert at the Chuggin Monkey on 6th Street. #1 - We got a nice free bar-tab for simply playing the show, and I'm the only one in the band who's over 21 (free alcohol is always good alcohol). Needless to say, soon enough I was pleasantly inebriated, not stumbling drunk because I had to play a show for chrissakes, but definitely enjoying just being alive for a bit. #2 - By the end of the night I was physically exhausted and sweating profusely, however, through the course of the night we'd pleasured a good number of attractive girls, enough so that they would dance while waiting to get their drinks, hell, I danced with one of them while singing a song. We weren't making them shiver with ectasy, but they were definitely enjoying the music (something that we four guys were solely responsible for creating), that's kindof sortof like having sex isn't it? #3 - We got paid to do it! By the end of the night I was drunk on free liquor, confident that I had conquered the desires of multiple female bar patrons, and richer than I was two hours earlier, and best of all I didn't even need to punch a time-clock or wear protection.
It's the same at the poetry slam, where I can perform a poem (emphasis on perform, not just read) and cause a room of 60 strangers to erupt into laughter and applause, or sit in thoughtful silence for a couple of minutes.
It's the same at an improv show, where Doug, Greg, and I can create interesting and hilarious scenes on a stage, pull a crowd out of reality for a moment and into a comfortable world where unicorns are only funny because they act a lot like humans, where asians arabs and robots are the 3 unbeatable races.
Of course, a SuperHouse concert isn't always brilliant, we make mistakes (sometimes a lot of them), we forget our own lyrics every now and then, or lose track of a chord progression. My poems don't always get perfect tens from the audience judges, sometimes they get fours or fives (and that's really bad). I could always perform them better. Only rarely did You Me & Greg perform a top-notch show, in fact we continued to raise our standards and became more dissatisfied with our performances (which only made them less funny because we weren't having as much fun). Every now and then though, there was a moment of on-stage perfection that felt very much like untainted bliss to me.
Keep in mind, I'm not totally decrying sex here. I love sex just as much as the next guy or gal, I've just become a bit more aware of the futility of chasing it so hard, especially when there are plenty of pleasureable things in my life. And just because I don't want to screw every woman I meet doesn't mean that I don't find a good number of them attractive. Of course, lately it seems everytime I meet an attractive girl something ugly soon rears it's head (usually the fact that she's a bit too slutty, or she's not single, or she's still in high school [figuratively or actually]).
I guess what I'm interested in at this time is friendship, I like having a good number of friends with a lot of variety, people who can talk about most anything to pass the time, people who like to laugh and aren't afraid of being stupid because they know how smart they're really being by being stupid (it's subversive shit)! Maybe, when I have more money, and a place of my own, and a working vehicle, I'll realize that a girl I already know is the one I really want. For now, I see no point in grasping at straws just because those straws happen to have boobs and vaginas. I've got music to learn, and poems to write, and friends to spend time with.
Also, the SuperHouse show went really well last night and turned into a weekly gig. So:
SuperHouse @ The Chuggin Monkey
Mondays at 10PM
and starting September 19th
SuperHouse @ The Dizzy Rooster
Wednesdays at 10:30PM
soon enough we'll be playing some weekend dates in the same places, so where're all my 21+ friends at?!?!
More thoughts to be spilled later,
-Phil
I've been trying to figure out why it is that I keep writing in this thing. I guess it's to keep in touch with some people and brag/whine about how my life is going, and I also use it to post ideas for future reference (when I'm not just writing them down on scraps of paper or in journals somewhere). I could use it to spill my thoughts about life, which may just be what I'll do today. I haven't decided how I'd use it yet today, but I'm making my mind up as I go.
An anonymous friend (Ben) and I had a nice talk yesterday and we ended up discussing a lot of things, but the thing I'm stuck on from that talk is human desire, and more specifically how we use sexual relationships to fulfill aspects of our desires. I think we ended up agreeing that the source of desire seems to be fear of our flaws/insecurity, and ironically in order to attract mates we tend to hide our flaws, make ourselves into marble statues of immortal gods, sweet-smelling philosophers and artists with muscles carved from stone and minds made of gold.
I'll be honest, it's been over a year since I've had sex (with a real person), in fact, it's been over a year since I've even had foreplay (with a real person), and the last time I made out (with a real person - about a month ago) it wasn't all that special and I really had no urge for it to lead anywhere beyond that. It seems that my sexual desire is hibernating.
I'm not depressed in the slightest, my life is filled with things that fulfill me (playing music, going to the poetry slam, hanging out with friends). I have a fair number of friends and I go out to events/parties at least twice/thrice a week, and I even meet girls at these events/parties, and I've even been known to be half-heartedly flirtatious with some of those girls (the lucky ones). However, let's say hypothetically that at the next party one of those girls wants to take me home and just fuck me into non-existence, I might be up for it.
The problem is, I've been conditioned to think that's weird. Somewhere in my brain I'm calling myself a loser for not being able to just go out and get laid (and honestly a loser for not even wanting to!). At the same time, my logical self knows it makes little sense to be pursuing strictly sexual relationships. I don't want kids right now, I have no reason to procreate. In fact, it seems almost frightening to me that a lot of my friends are so invested in being promiscuous (my friend Nelly Furtado for one). Is it really so weird that there are things I'd rather do than fuck someone I don't love, only because they're attractive.
This was really cemented for me last night when SuperHouse played a 2 hour concert at the Chuggin Monkey on 6th Street. #1 - We got a nice free bar-tab for simply playing the show, and I'm the only one in the band who's over 21 (free alcohol is always good alcohol). Needless to say, soon enough I was pleasantly inebriated, not stumbling drunk because I had to play a show for chrissakes, but definitely enjoying just being alive for a bit. #2 - By the end of the night I was physically exhausted and sweating profusely, however, through the course of the night we'd pleasured a good number of attractive girls, enough so that they would dance while waiting to get their drinks, hell, I danced with one of them while singing a song. We weren't making them shiver with ectasy, but they were definitely enjoying the music (something that we four guys were solely responsible for creating), that's kindof sortof like having sex isn't it? #3 - We got paid to do it! By the end of the night I was drunk on free liquor, confident that I had conquered the desires of multiple female bar patrons, and richer than I was two hours earlier, and best of all I didn't even need to punch a time-clock or wear protection.
It's the same at the poetry slam, where I can perform a poem (emphasis on perform, not just read) and cause a room of 60 strangers to erupt into laughter and applause, or sit in thoughtful silence for a couple of minutes.
It's the same at an improv show, where Doug, Greg, and I can create interesting and hilarious scenes on a stage, pull a crowd out of reality for a moment and into a comfortable world where unicorns are only funny because they act a lot like humans, where asians arabs and robots are the 3 unbeatable races.
Of course, a SuperHouse concert isn't always brilliant, we make mistakes (sometimes a lot of them), we forget our own lyrics every now and then, or lose track of a chord progression. My poems don't always get perfect tens from the audience judges, sometimes they get fours or fives (and that's really bad). I could always perform them better. Only rarely did You Me & Greg perform a top-notch show, in fact we continued to raise our standards and became more dissatisfied with our performances (which only made them less funny because we weren't having as much fun). Every now and then though, there was a moment of on-stage perfection that felt very much like untainted bliss to me.
Keep in mind, I'm not totally decrying sex here. I love sex just as much as the next guy or gal, I've just become a bit more aware of the futility of chasing it so hard, especially when there are plenty of pleasureable things in my life. And just because I don't want to screw every woman I meet doesn't mean that I don't find a good number of them attractive. Of course, lately it seems everytime I meet an attractive girl something ugly soon rears it's head (usually the fact that she's a bit too slutty, or she's not single, or she's still in high school [figuratively or actually]).
I guess what I'm interested in at this time is friendship, I like having a good number of friends with a lot of variety, people who can talk about most anything to pass the time, people who like to laugh and aren't afraid of being stupid because they know how smart they're really being by being stupid (it's subversive shit)! Maybe, when I have more money, and a place of my own, and a working vehicle, I'll realize that a girl I already know is the one I really want. For now, I see no point in grasping at straws just because those straws happen to have boobs and vaginas. I've got music to learn, and poems to write, and friends to spend time with.
Also, the SuperHouse show went really well last night and turned into a weekly gig. So:
SuperHouse @ The Chuggin Monkey
Mondays at 10PM
and starting September 19th
SuperHouse @ The Dizzy Rooster
Wednesdays at 10:30PM
soon enough we'll be playing some weekend dates in the same places, so where're all my 21+ friends at?!?!
More thoughts to be spilled later,
-Phil