Pennies and babies...
Are we done with the fucking pennies yet?
Because it is time. The American public hasn’t been using them for about a decade. They have become so worthless, that people give them to each other as a matter of routine. Get your change, pick out the pennies, and leave them there for the next guy. Need a penny or two? Well, there should be a few there for you, because the last guy sure as fuck didn’t want his. That’s the game.
I hate when stores don’t want to play by the game. If a store doesn’t have a little tray, I am immediately annoyed. The hell if I’m fishing another dollar out of my pants because it came to $5.02. When that cash register rings up $5.02 and you look at me, we’re fixing to have a long staredown. I’ll return an item before I break another dollar and let you give me three more of the fucking things in return. And that item probably had a profit margin of at least $.03 to you, so who’s the loser now? Get it? As long as they’re still around, you better play by the game.
When there is no tray, my normal routine has become to fish through my change and immediately pick them out and deposit them into the trash. Not only are they worthless, but they are disgusting, and I’m not carrying them around. Most have been in circulation for 20 years, and as the stepchild of your change purse, they have been given no love. They live in ashtrays, parking lots, and huge jars owned by 72 year old men who remember when they were worth something. Old copper is gross enough to start with. Add to the fact that they are covered in gum and shit and filth, and you need to wash your hands every time one touches you.
Think about this: a stamp costs $0.37. 37 pennies weigh 6 ounces. It takes about two stamps to mail 6 ounces of stuff. Therefore, if I wanted to mail someone 37 cents in pennies, it would cost me 74 cents. By my definition, it’s pretty clear cut. When a monetary unit can’t afford to mail itself, it’s worthless. Don’t get all cocky either, nickels…….you aren’t far behind. (I don’t really know how much 37 pennies weigh, that was just a guess. I have a scale in my office, and would find out, but I can’t. I threw out all my fucking pennies. Just trust me though….I’m right on this general principal. I know by instinct that they can’t mail themselves.)
Vending machines won’t even take them. They hired engineers to assure that any penny which entered the slot would be immediately routed straight to the change opening. Think about the engineering involved. Dimes, which are smaller than pennies, go right into the till, but they had to create some sort of mechanism that would sort out and eliminate any penny that enters the machine, lest they get involved with the REAL money that is in there, and gross it all up.
Have you ever tried to give one to a bum? Seriously. I almost got in a fight in San Francisco over the fact that I gave a bum some pennies. The man had no home, was hungry, cold, and hopeless, yet when I gave him a handful of pennies, he tried to spit on me. Fortunately, his lack of front teeth seriously affected his aiming abilities and I easily dodged the saliva-based projectile, but nonetheless.
Isn’t this enough evidence for Alan Greenspan and the Fed to say enough is enough? I now summarize my case:
1. Pennies are considered worthless, even by homeless people
2. Pennies are disgusting
3. Pennies can’t even mail themselves
4. Americans are actually giving them to strangers, like some nationwide game of hot potato
5. Vending machines are even too smart to take them. Their job is to take money, not pennies.
Case Closed. Please, Federal Reserve, I beg you. End the game.
I’m done with the fucking pennies.
While we are at it, next time your kid starts wailing and screaming in public...here is a novel idea. Take the little demon seed away from those of us who are not there to revel in the howling.
When you are at the book store and your kid starts screaming, take little Damien outside until he shuts up. Do not stay in the store with the kid wailing so he can continue to disturb other patrons.
When you are in a restaurant and your precious little devil spawn starts bawling, take Baby Beelzebub outside. Do not wait. Do not stare into your plate and pretend like it is not happening. I am not paying for food with a side of eardrum ache nor is anyone else there. And if the food costs more than $20 an entree, consider whether or not young Asmodeus is really such an epicure that he needs a gourmet experience at 18 months...better yet, if you can afford the experience, you can afford to hire a babysitter. Kids under 5 simply do not belong at places like Morton's or Galileo. Better yet, there is likely a McDonald's up the street. Little Lucifer will probably be happier and the patrons at a finer establishment will not be contemplating just what exactly is and is not allowable under the justifiable homicide statute.
At the movies, if the kid is crying, take it outside. And why are you bringing your toddler to the movies anyway? Since Teletubbies--the Movie is not currently playing, what is it that they are getting this experience? And why are you bringing them to the 10PM showing? Shouldn't they be home and in their cribs?
And please don't inflict the passengers of the already miserable air travel industry with your screaming kids. Two or more hours in a sealed tube with non-stop screaming and/or seat kicking is enough for me to consider how I might kill myself and/or the little jackal with the small blunt items TSA still allows me to carry in-cabin. I am sure your little angel really needs to see Grandma or Mickey Mouse. I agree. And that is why Grandma should fly to you or you should drive to Mickey. And if you MUST fly, please, for the love of God, stay off the red-eye. Nothing like flying from LA to Washington on an overnight flight and getting no sleep because some 9 month old future B-move actress was practicing her slasher-pic screaming by howling...ALL...FRIGGIN...NIGHT. And with airlines removing pillows from flights in a "cost-saving" measure, there is not even the means to smother the little vermin. Also, for the sake of decency, stay out of first class. By definition, if your child is of an age where drooling on oneself is still a reasonable possibility, it probably does not need a 21" wide seat with 40" of legroom plopped amongst 15 business travelers who intended to work on the flight but, instead, are being soothed by your little demon's four hour aria of wailing.
I could go on, but what would be the point. There will be a slew of responses from indignant people who are going to say that their kid should be allowed anywhere at anytime and that kids cry and everyone else has to deal with it. But you know what? I did not sign off on you having a kid. I did not agree to share in the revels of the screaming and whining and other annoying behavior that your child is hellbent on inflicting on the public. You unilaterally chose to inflict your progeny on the world and, if you are like many parents, you refuse to control the little animal.
All I ask is that you try and remember that some of the people around you are not all that enthused about the screaming, the crying, the running around and other things that come from being with small children. If we are in McDonald's, we are asking for it, I grant you. But in fine restaurants, nicer stores, libraries, airplanes, business environments and similar venues, think about how your mini Mephistopheles might be impacting the experience for other patrons.
Because it is time. The American public hasn’t been using them for about a decade. They have become so worthless, that people give them to each other as a matter of routine. Get your change, pick out the pennies, and leave them there for the next guy. Need a penny or two? Well, there should be a few there for you, because the last guy sure as fuck didn’t want his. That’s the game.
I hate when stores don’t want to play by the game. If a store doesn’t have a little tray, I am immediately annoyed. The hell if I’m fishing another dollar out of my pants because it came to $5.02. When that cash register rings up $5.02 and you look at me, we’re fixing to have a long staredown. I’ll return an item before I break another dollar and let you give me three more of the fucking things in return. And that item probably had a profit margin of at least $.03 to you, so who’s the loser now? Get it? As long as they’re still around, you better play by the game.
When there is no tray, my normal routine has become to fish through my change and immediately pick them out and deposit them into the trash. Not only are they worthless, but they are disgusting, and I’m not carrying them around. Most have been in circulation for 20 years, and as the stepchild of your change purse, they have been given no love. They live in ashtrays, parking lots, and huge jars owned by 72 year old men who remember when they were worth something. Old copper is gross enough to start with. Add to the fact that they are covered in gum and shit and filth, and you need to wash your hands every time one touches you.
Think about this: a stamp costs $0.37. 37 pennies weigh 6 ounces. It takes about two stamps to mail 6 ounces of stuff. Therefore, if I wanted to mail someone 37 cents in pennies, it would cost me 74 cents. By my definition, it’s pretty clear cut. When a monetary unit can’t afford to mail itself, it’s worthless. Don’t get all cocky either, nickels…….you aren’t far behind. (I don’t really know how much 37 pennies weigh, that was just a guess. I have a scale in my office, and would find out, but I can’t. I threw out all my fucking pennies. Just trust me though….I’m right on this general principal. I know by instinct that they can’t mail themselves.)
Vending machines won’t even take them. They hired engineers to assure that any penny which entered the slot would be immediately routed straight to the change opening. Think about the engineering involved. Dimes, which are smaller than pennies, go right into the till, but they had to create some sort of mechanism that would sort out and eliminate any penny that enters the machine, lest they get involved with the REAL money that is in there, and gross it all up.
Have you ever tried to give one to a bum? Seriously. I almost got in a fight in San Francisco over the fact that I gave a bum some pennies. The man had no home, was hungry, cold, and hopeless, yet when I gave him a handful of pennies, he tried to spit on me. Fortunately, his lack of front teeth seriously affected his aiming abilities and I easily dodged the saliva-based projectile, but nonetheless.
Isn’t this enough evidence for Alan Greenspan and the Fed to say enough is enough? I now summarize my case:
1. Pennies are considered worthless, even by homeless people
2. Pennies are disgusting
3. Pennies can’t even mail themselves
4. Americans are actually giving them to strangers, like some nationwide game of hot potato
5. Vending machines are even too smart to take them. Their job is to take money, not pennies.
Case Closed. Please, Federal Reserve, I beg you. End the game.
I’m done with the fucking pennies.
While we are at it, next time your kid starts wailing and screaming in public...here is a novel idea. Take the little demon seed away from those of us who are not there to revel in the howling.
When you are at the book store and your kid starts screaming, take little Damien outside until he shuts up. Do not stay in the store with the kid wailing so he can continue to disturb other patrons.
When you are in a restaurant and your precious little devil spawn starts bawling, take Baby Beelzebub outside. Do not wait. Do not stare into your plate and pretend like it is not happening. I am not paying for food with a side of eardrum ache nor is anyone else there. And if the food costs more than $20 an entree, consider whether or not young Asmodeus is really such an epicure that he needs a gourmet experience at 18 months...better yet, if you can afford the experience, you can afford to hire a babysitter. Kids under 5 simply do not belong at places like Morton's or Galileo. Better yet, there is likely a McDonald's up the street. Little Lucifer will probably be happier and the patrons at a finer establishment will not be contemplating just what exactly is and is not allowable under the justifiable homicide statute.
At the movies, if the kid is crying, take it outside. And why are you bringing your toddler to the movies anyway? Since Teletubbies--the Movie is not currently playing, what is it that they are getting this experience? And why are you bringing them to the 10PM showing? Shouldn't they be home and in their cribs?
And please don't inflict the passengers of the already miserable air travel industry with your screaming kids. Two or more hours in a sealed tube with non-stop screaming and/or seat kicking is enough for me to consider how I might kill myself and/or the little jackal with the small blunt items TSA still allows me to carry in-cabin. I am sure your little angel really needs to see Grandma or Mickey Mouse. I agree. And that is why Grandma should fly to you or you should drive to Mickey. And if you MUST fly, please, for the love of God, stay off the red-eye. Nothing like flying from LA to Washington on an overnight flight and getting no sleep because some 9 month old future B-move actress was practicing her slasher-pic screaming by howling...ALL...FRIGGIN...NIGHT. And with airlines removing pillows from flights in a "cost-saving" measure, there is not even the means to smother the little vermin. Also, for the sake of decency, stay out of first class. By definition, if your child is of an age where drooling on oneself is still a reasonable possibility, it probably does not need a 21" wide seat with 40" of legroom plopped amongst 15 business travelers who intended to work on the flight but, instead, are being soothed by your little demon's four hour aria of wailing.
I could go on, but what would be the point. There will be a slew of responses from indignant people who are going to say that their kid should be allowed anywhere at anytime and that kids cry and everyone else has to deal with it. But you know what? I did not sign off on you having a kid. I did not agree to share in the revels of the screaming and whining and other annoying behavior that your child is hellbent on inflicting on the public. You unilaterally chose to inflict your progeny on the world and, if you are like many parents, you refuse to control the little animal.
All I ask is that you try and remember that some of the people around you are not all that enthused about the screaming, the crying, the running around and other things that come from being with small children. If we are in McDonald's, we are asking for it, I grant you. But in fine restaurants, nicer stores, libraries, airplanes, business environments and similar venues, think about how your mini Mephistopheles might be impacting the experience for other patrons.