chemical reaction
you asked the other nite if the therapist needs to understand or to just listen. yes. you need to understand. that is the function of the job. otherwise a baboon could do it. and here is what i need you to know
to you it was just a chemical reaction. and that’s ok. for you. well...it was not so to me. i only wish it could have been. to you, it was all over thursday morning. for me, it will never be over. when you looked at me so blankly and acknowledged that you had no idea what i was talking about i swear i felt a piece of my heart chip away. this “chemical reaction” was inside of me. in my body. i knew i was pregnant even before my period was late. i thought i was losing my mind, but i knew. i felt all kinds of changes in my body already. more than i would have thought possible so early. at the clinic when the nurse did the sonogram, she left the screen on so when i left the room i saw the pictures of the chemical reaction. i saw them again when the doctor had them laying on the counter in the operating room. every time i had to pee (about a million times) and went into the back waiting room i heard women and girls sniffling and crying and screaming and wailing. It was pretty much dead by the time you got there. no pun intended. do you realize the walls are sound proofed? after the procedure (how’s that for a nice ambiguous term) was over i had to watch the nurse carry the bucket out of the room. she told me to close my eyes but it was too late. knowing what was inside it. what a sickening feeling. i asked the nurse how i would know if it was successful. sometimes it’s not. i was expecting that she would tell me certain physical signs to look for. damn was i wrong. her response “we have to visually check after every procedure. i saw it. It worked.” i honestly expected to wake up thursday morning and have everything back to “normal” apparently i was wrong again. it doesn't work that way. i didn't think i was really even pregnant enough to be pregnant. yet again, i was wrong. It could be up to a month before my body is back to normal. these hormones are powerful. we should be making bombs out of them and dropping them in the middle east! Rick, angel, it was my body that felt like it was being torn open and ripped apart. i made the choice to kill a baby. my baby. (i know you don't want to think of it as a baby) not a chemical reaction. even at only 6 1/2 weeks those pictures looked pretty much like you expect pictures of a fetus to look. did you know i don't even believe in abortion? rflmao. certainly i believe in every women’s right to choose for herself. but personally i find the act to be reprehensible. do you realize I don't even know your opinion on the subject? alas, my meds would have already given the poor thing gills and 2 heads. and for sure i can't not take my meds for 7 ½ more months. i would lose what little brain cells remain (although research is beginning to show that brain cells may actually regenerate contrary to past evidence) and end up nuts. and so m’dear, it is not over as you said. although i understand you spoke from relief and i believe a genuine effort to be comforting. but i will live with this for the rest of my life. the guilt. the second guessing. the loss. the grief. in some ways the shame. it will never be over for me. it was the right decision and the only decision. but it was, without a doubt, the very most difficult thing i have ever done in my entire life. i only hope you will never know. i do most sincerely thank you for your support, honey. and if you ever decide that you do want to talk about it, i’m here. no matter where i am. so here i sit on the beach (i wrote this to you in the covers of a novel. i am typing it now so it is legible, also so i can put it in my journal ) crying. giving my tears to the ocean. begging the mother’s forgiveness and praying to find the beginning of peace and healing within me. i share this with you so that you will understand. just a little bit. you asked if you needed to understand. i don't know. as a pleasure pal, probably not. but i need you to. what ever our relationship is or isn't, this happened to us, and i need you to have some understanding of my experience. so- you can continue to think of it as simply a chemical reaction, but know very clearly that that’s not what it was for me. thanks for listening.